My Fellow Inebriates,
One of my secondary addictions is a Facebook game called Wrestler Unstoppable. My Wrestler avatar, LB the Alcoholic Bear, is part of stable of fighters called BEARS!!!! (including not just bears but other marginalized characters such as serial killers, hitchhikers, headhunters, people ostensibly involved with bears, and a savage purple rabbit. My avatar does okay, but he’s nothing compared to Violent, Vicious Purplebunny, AKA my friend Violet Purplebunny. I’ve known and feared Violet for a number of years now. I even introduced her to Wrestler, only to be dominated ever after. With bunny season around the corner, she kindly agreed to an interview.
LB: Tell me a bit about your everyday life, Violet.
VP: Typical bunny stuff, LB. Similar to your life really—two kids, lots of action. Some would say abuse, some would say love…even adoration.
LB: Especially at this time of year, I’d think. Bunnies get a lot of attention around Easter. Why do you think that is, Violet?
VP: Hell if I know.
LB: Do you think it’s because rabbits breed prolifically in spring?
VP: Well, I guess we do. You see a lot of them around. I saw a dead one under the bush outside a little while back. Cat must’ve got it.
LB: OMG. How did that make you feel?
VP: Oh, I dunno. I thought about showing it to the kids. Then I figured maybe not. It had been gored and all.
VP: Couple of times.
LB: What about the washing machine?
VP: Ohh yeah.
LB: I think, for animals like us, the washing machine is our Room 101.
VP: If that means it’s really freaking cold and nauseating, then you’re right.
LB: I mean by Room 101 that it represents that deepest, darkest corner where our worst fears reside.
VP: Well, not really, when I could be gored by a cat.
LB: Have you ever lost a friend to predation? A rabbit friend?
VP: Nope. Well, we all kind of stay inside like you, LB. And the only other rabbit in the house is Pink Bunny who, to tell you the real honest truth, is kind of a bitch.
VP: Even the kids think so. Pink Bunny talks smack. She’s a Jellycat bunny from Chapters. Cost thirty bucks or so. I think I was $4. I’m still the queen though.
LB: Have you ever lost a friend to rabies?
VP: Sometimes I think you have rabies. No, I haven’t. Not yet.
LB: So what are your worst fears?
VP: I don’t have any fears.
VP: Seriously. Anyone messes with me, I will mess them up.
LB: Kids too?
VP: Kids especially.
LB: Your Wrestler Unstoppable avatar is pretty tough.
VP: Yes, she is. She’s having a tough week though. That game is hard. I give it up every once in a while. But it always sucks me back.
LB: Yeah, me too. It’s like alcohol. Do you have any addictions, Violet?
VP: Just Wrestler. And crack.
LB: Not Walmart-style crack?
VP: Ha! No, but I subscribe to the People of Walmart. And there’s a lot of ass crack in my life. The other day one of the kids was getting off the toilet and into the bath—without wiping—and she had this big slug-like ooze of crap sliding down her leg. She was gonna take that right with her into the bathwater.
VP: Yeah, and her mother caught her just in time. And then the next day the kid saw her mother bending over to pick something up and she said: “Mummy, your bum is showing and there’s no poo on it.”
LB: Awesome. They’re amazing, kids.
VP: Yeah, I spend a lot of time hiding from them.
LB: So they’d be a fear for you?
VP: Well, no. Not exactly. More like an aversion.
LB: Aw, Violet, you like them. I know you do.
VP: NO, I DON’T!
LB: Everybody thinks of bunnies as soft, cuddly, gentle creatures.
VP: Ever read Watership Down?
LB: What about the Easter Bunny, though? The Easter Bunny is the most benevolent rabbit ever, wouldn’t you say?
VP: Well, maybe at Easter. We’ve no idea what he does the rest of the year.
LB: What do you think he does?
VP: You know, bunny stuff. Mates. Eats his poo. Eats his young once in a while.
VP: Bunnies often eat their young. You know, for the minerals.
LB: HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU NEED THE MINERALS?
VP: Take a pill, LB. We just…know.
LB: Oh. Have you ever eaten your young?
VP: Like I’d tell you in this political climate. GOP politicians are lobbying for sperm to have personhood. How do you think they’d react to me devouring a brood of baby bunnies?
LB: You could always invoke moral relativism or some such principle.
VP: Moral what?
LB: Relativism. You’d be a natural… Don’t worry about it, forget I said it.
VP: Not that I’m admitting anything.
LB: Oh. Then what’s the strangest thing you ever ate?
LB: Why do rabbits eat their poo?
VP: Aw, come on, you can’t ask me that.
LB: Wikipedia says rabbits pass “two distinct types of feces: hard droppings and soft black viscous pellets, the latter of which are immediately eaten. Rabbits reingest their own droppings…to digest their food further and extract sufficient nutrients.”
LB: So what kind of adaptation is that?
VP: What do you mean?
LB: I mean why did rabbits evolve that way?
VP: Evolution is random, LB, you know that.
LB: I know. But what do you say to all those people who think you were designed that way? You know, the Intelligent Design argument?
VP: Well, it’s not very freaking intelligent, is it?
LB: You said it, Violet, not me.
VP: It’s not! I mean, what the fuck? You know why it’s like this? It’s because rabbits can’t vomit; they’re incapable of it. So they can’t chuck their food up the way cows do and then chew it up again. If they could they would, believe you me. But they can’t puke, so they have to do that secondary digestive bit the hard way. And it’s embarrassing, so rabbits do it really quickly. As soon as those soft pellets come out, they gobble them right up again. Usually in the morning.
VP: I mean, who would design it like that? What kind of creator would make it that way? Unless he wanted to laugh at the rabbits.
LB: Ha! Silly rabbits! So you subscribe not to Intelligent Design then but to Darwinian evolution?
LB: In which case, why did you evolve to eat your poo?
VP: Oh, for crying out loud, LB, evolution is random. Some mutant strain of rabbit emerged that liked eating its crap. That strain extracted more nutrition. It got stronger, bigger, was more favorable to mate with.
LB: Only with some Listerine involved!
VP: Shut up, LB. You’re familiar with evolution, I don’t have to tell you this. The stronger, healthier rabbits became the dominant genetic strain, and eventually they took over.
LB: So the poo-eating rabbits came to dominate.
VP: Whatever, LB. What else do you want to talk about?
LB: Fine, um, okay. Do you know the Easter Bunny? Are you acquainted with him?
VP: No. I mean, not really; he felt me up once. Everybody asks me that because I’m purple. Next.
LB: So you can’t hook me up with him?
LB: But I want to learn how to make liqueur-filled easter eggs.
VP: Tough shit.
LB: Do you have a soft, sensitive side that you don’t show very often?
LB: Okay, then. Last question—What do you think of rabbit fur in fashion?
VP: I like it.