My Fellow Inebriates,

This time Fluffy left a big wad of toilet paper in the en suite toilet. I had no idea he would do something like that—I was so busy watching the lights and the oven to make sure he didn’t burn down the house that it didn’t occur to me that he would sabotage our plumbing.

Consider the facts:

• There are three toilets in the house.
• Of the three, the en suite one is only the second most likely to plug.
• However, it is the least used by the kids, which means it hasn’t been force-fed any goldfish or Barbie clothes.
• Ages ago we ran out of the pink breast cancer awareness toilet paper (which the kids loved so much they fed it straight into the bowl, half a roll at a time, exhausting their interest in the toilet).
• In fact, my parents bought the kids some birdseed so they could feed actual animals instead of appealing to the toilet’s appetite with random objects.
• I didn’t do anything to it; I am scared of the toilet.
• My dad is away on a business trip, which means the toilet is not enjoying any half-hour marathon usage this week.

Which means there’s no reason for a mess of toilet paper to be swimming in it this morning! OMG! Is there nothing Fluffy won’t do to get our attention?

With a sinister presence like Fluffy in the house, I can’t even get comfortably drunk. Last night, for instance, we had guests over and I had the opportunity to get into some REMY PANNIER SAUVIGNON BLANC (2010). Before I committed myself to getting gooned, I had to ascertain that my mother wouldn’t. That way she could keep an eye on Fluffy.

Luckily she was feeling responsible, what with two small kids to get to bed, a party to host, and with Dad out of town—and I realized I could trust her and get plastered myself.

This was the wine my mum bought the other day. Since she’d had no idea how to choose a sauvignon blanc, our booze store consultant recommended REMY PANNIER, describing it as opposite to chardonnay on the white wine spectrum. As you know, I’d been exhorting my mother to purchase chardonnay specifically to placate the unrestful spirit inhabiting Fluffy who, we have reason to suspect, is looking for chardonnay. I’d like to be kinder than to suggest that my mum is an idiot; rather, she is recklessly continuing a pattern of doing exactly the opposite of what her mother (my Granny, presumably trapped inside Fluffy) would want. Now, Granny was pretty easygoing, so she’d probably be okay with this REMY PANNIER offering, but Fluffy is a different matter. Fluffy is showing distinct signs of being evil, and I thought it was important to provide chardonnay as a peace offering. BUT the wine consultant won my mother over with the pretty sauvignon blanc bottle.

Varietals notwithstanding, I had a bad-ass jones for some wine, so we opened it and poured. REMY PANNIER is a lovely light straw color in the glass, but what’s more striking is its aroma—ahhh! Such delicate fruit! Apricots, citrus, spring grass—all generously wafting from the glass.

But how does it taste?

Ahhh! REMY PANNIER delivers on those scents. It is zingy yet delicate, citrusy yet balanced, light and dry. I loved it, people.

At 12% alcohol and shared between several humans plus one animal, this sauvignon blanc couldn’t get anyone wasted. But that’s really its only downside. If you’re a white wine drinker who falls into the anti-chardonnay camp, it will especially appeal to you with its zesty, light character and zingy high notes.

But if you strongly prefer chardonnay, you might want to avoid REMY PANNIER SAUVIGNON BLANC and seek out something with heaviness and oak.

And if you are a freaky golem like Fluffy, apparently REMY PANNIER SAUVIGNON BLANC will anger you and prompt you to stuff the upstairs toilet full of Charmin.