Month: February 2012

If my parents would just buy wine I wouldn’t be eyeing the correction fluid

My Fellow Inebriates,

My mum is proofreading the most boring book ever written. I’ve been trying to leave her alone so she can get it done quickly, bill for it, and funnel some of the cash toward our liquor inventory. But it is enormous, verbose, full of legal jargon—and did I mention boring?

What’s even more tedious is that she’s doing manual editorial mark-up. Green pen, post-its, and—for her own screw-ups or changes of mind—correction fluid.

This latter item naturally attracted me given the dearth of alcohol in the house. It certainly smells intriguing, this opaque white substance, and so I thought I would review it.

What I didn’t realize was the connection between correction fluid and The Monkees, a show my mother used to watch dozens of years ago, even before she was allowed to use correction fluid on her homework (which the nuns considered cheating). And although she watched The Monkees more for Davy Jones or even Peter Tork than for the others, it turns out that Michael Nesmith, the one in the dorky-looking toque, probably had the brainiest genetics.

You see, Bette Nesmith Graham, Michael Nesmith’s mother, invented Liquid Paper. An executive secretary at a Texas bank, she got annoyed at having to retype documents when she made a mistake, so she brought some white tempera paint to work and secretly used it for five years, tweaking the formula with the help of her son Mike’s science teacher until it was ready to market in 1956 as “Mistake Out” and later “Liquid Paper.” She sold it to Gillette in 1979 for $47 million!

That’s a lot of beer money. I asked my mum why she hadn’t invented anything as clever as Liquid Paper, particularly since she’d spent several years fawning over The Monkees (although not Michael Nesmith) and surely some inspiration should have rubbed off.

My mum said if I got any closer to the correction fluid I would be guaranteed a ride in the washing machine. She mentioned, also, that she was using Wite-Out because Liquid Paper sucks.

This intrigued me even more. Could we not do a horizontal—if not tasting, then…sniffing—of the two brands, and perhaps any generic brands and dollar-store knock-offs?

Vertical and horizontal wine tastings are fascinating opportunities to compare, respectively:

  • Different vintages of the same varietal from the same winery (vertical)
  • Wines of the same vintage and varietal but from different wineries (horizontal)

So, for correction fluid, the “sniffing” would be of different brands. (To my knowledge correction fluid is non-vintage.)

My mother doesn’t like to use the word “retarded,” but she made an exception for me at that moment, emphasizing that anyone wanting to enjoy a psychedelic journey should choose a substance that won’t cause tachycardia. She added that Liquid Paper is runnier and less opaque than Wite-Out, and that she wouldn’t waste money trying other brands.

n-propyl bromide

That got me wondering. Why is Liquid Paper runnier than Wite-Out (if what my mum says is true)? Could it be that it contains more organic solvents? Also known as thinners, these volatile organic compounds are added to correction fluid to prevent it from thickening. Over time the solvents will evaporate out of a bottle of correction fluid, causing it to get crusty and less aromatic.

In Mama Nesmith’s day toluene was the solvent used but was banned due to toxicity. Next came 1,1,1-trichloroethane, until it was banned for contributing to ozone depletion. The modern solvent in correction fluid is n-propyl bromide, which will probably end up getting banned, too, if it turns out to be neurotoxic.

It’s the neurotoxicity that attracts adolescents to huff correction fluid. Organic solvents can be psychoactive, but unfortunately they also cause the heart to beat irregularly, which can lead to death. My mum pointed out the label saying DO NOT SWALLOW OR INHALE. She said that, since I had some followers who were crazy enough to read my reviews, I should NOT review products unintended for consumption. And she added: “Get a grip, you idiot bear.”

Get a grip? I’m not the one who wanted to kiss Davy Jones.

13 essential minerals and how to get them by drinking

My family seems possessed by grocery shopping. While our liquor supplies languish pathetically, they constantly introduce new solid foods to the house. Bran flakes, chicken broth, peanut butter, pasta, almonds—it’s like a cult of macronutrients.

Do we really need all this solid food?

In an effort to get my parents to pinch off more than a few budgetary dollars each week for alcohol, I delved into the science of nutrition. And good news, my fellow inebriates! It turns out you can get all 13 essential minerals from alcoholic drinks.

Potassium

People typically find this necessary electrolyte in foods such as bananas, tomatoes and potatoes. What about a Bloody Mary with a banana schnapps chaser? Tada!

Chlorine

Without chlorine, the stomach can’t produce acid, nor can the cells conduct their osmotic functions optimally. Put some salt around the rim of that margarita glass.

Sodium

Working in tandem with potassium, sodium is necessary to regulate adenosine triphosphate, a critical factor in intracellular energy transfer. The best way to get it is to include salt with those tequila shots.

Calcium

This workhorse mineral builds bone, supports blood cell synthesis, and is crucial for muscular, cardiovascular and digestive health. Alcoholics need even more calcium than regular people because their damaged livers have difficulty converting vitamin D to the active form necessary for absorbing calcium. This makes Bailey’s Irish Cream important.

Phosphorus

Another component of bones, phosphorus is involved in multiple bodily functions, and found in grains such as oats, wheat and rice. Sounds like beer!

Magnesium

Another mineral that works with a buddy (calcium), magnesium contributes to bone health and ATP functions. Sources include nuts and cocoa. I’m thinking crème de cacao.

Zinc

Your body needs traces of zinc to manufacture important enzymes such as liver alcohol dehydrogenase, responsible for processing alcohol. (Did you know your body makes its own continuous supply of alcohol? You need zinc to break it down.) You can find zinc in an array of foods. How about a whiskey?

Iron

Traces of iron keep anemia at bay. Guinness has famously been prescribed to maintain iron levels (and B vitamins).

Manganese

Another player in enzymatic functions, manganese turns up in many foods, notably grains such as spelt and brown rice. How about some sake?

Copper

Just a trace keeps your body happily making enzymes. Nuts, seeds and grains such as barley contain copper, making beer your metabolic best friend.

Iodine

A tiny amount prevents goiter and boosts the immune, salivary and digestive systems while conferring some antioxidant benefits. Make your daiquiri strawberry, and don’t forget to salt the rim.

Selenium

This trace mineral combats oxidative DNA damage—the sort of free-radical damage that occurs when you pummel your liver regularly. Nuts are a good source—what better excuse to dive into the macadamia nut liqueur?

Molybdenum

If you want to continue catalyzing oxygen, you need a teeny tiny trace of molybdenum. And that’s what a Bloody Caesar is for. 😉

Dear dad—buy some liquor

I sent my dad a chat message today but he didn’t answer it. Maybe he’ll check his email or Facebook or the blog—or maybe he’ll hear me crying. Or maybe not. So I’m writing him an open letter.

▪ ▪ ▪

Hi dad, I know you think I’m too drunk to pay attention but guess what—I know you changed jobs and that things are going to change at LBHQ. Have you considered upgrading our liquor budget yet?

I know running your own business has been a wild ride, but I haven’t enjoyed its feast-or-famine aspect. Whenever you and mum say you have to wait for clients to pay you before you can spend any “silly” money, I just feel misunderstood. Surely you know that liquor spending is not frivolous—that for physiologically addicted bears it is a necessity, and that the animal keening from wherever the kids abandoned him on the floor after practically ripping him a new orifice while completely oblivious to his delirium tremens is your friend LB.

So let’s get serious. The liquor cabinet is in an embarrassing state. Mere drops of Malibu remain, and medical friends have advised us not to drink the worm-polluted mescale (although I would if I could get the bottle open).

I sent you a proper list but I haven’t heard back from you. Mum gave me some very unsatisfactory answers, and even suggested that dentistry should precede a booze spree. (I thought we hated dentists.) I realize you are excited about other aspects of your new job such as getting to know your team and organizing that big project they sent you right away, but seriously, dad, have a little compassion and buy some booze.

Here’s a touching picture to help you get your empathy flowing. 

Medo the bear plays with a family dog in Slovenia. Photo: Reuters