My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
You’ll meet some very compelling people on your next holiday, Aries—and within a few drinks you’ll feel as though you’ve known them forever. But familiarity breeds contempt, and nothing makes fellow vacationers so mutually contemptuous as cleaning up each other’s barf after an orgy featuring whipped-cream-flavored Smirnoff (yes, it exists; somebody send me some).
Taurus, you are super-pissed this week. Somebody is getting on your nerves, and you’re winding up to let ’em have it. You need to step back and see how inconsequential this person is. Look deeper, and you’ll see that somebody else (perhaps somebody non-irritating) is setting you up for a fall. OMG! How will you see it coming with all that vodka in your system? Dilute it with some lemonade; that should clear things up for you.
You tend to fret about time management, Gemini, but if you fixate on the minutes, the years will actually pass you by. Instead of entering items into your calendar, book yourself a day (or several) that you can devote exclusively to drinking. But you have to shake up your routine! Get three shot glasses and fill them up with whiskey, rum, and vodka. Put them aside while you pour a pint glass two-thirds full. Now, light the shot glasses on fire. YEAH! Dump them, glasses and all, into the pint glass, then pound the whole flaming thing while there’s still head on the beer. YES! When you seek out a recovery beverage at Starbucks the next day, you will meet someone nice.
It’s difficult for you to distinguish between love and sex lately, Cancer, but you’re beginning to wonder if it matters. Your latest pursuit is a fellow Cancer who shares this confusion. This makes for hot-cold relations as you each vacillate between caring and not caring for each other. Sounds like alcohol could help! Break out the Jack and combine it with an equal portion of cognac. Whatever amount that makes, double it again with Captain Morgan. Pound it! Now you know it really doesn’t matter.
Leo, it’s time to think about becoming a regular on the psychiatrist’s couch instead of racking up more phone-sex debt. Those phone-sex workers are not trained analysts, you know. They may service a lot of fetishes but they’ve never heard of Freud. Maybe you need to seek a higher power?… Psych! It’s alcohol you need. Did you know they make vanilla vodka? It’s awesome with blueberry juice.
You’re due for an enriching experience, Virgo, but where it will come from is a mystery. It could be a chance meeting, or it could be something you orchestrate. Whichever way, you will learn something from it. Even if it’s just how to make a Hot Damn:
- 0.5 oz rum
- 0.5 oz vodka
- 0.25 oz Canadian whiskey
- 1 oz orange juice
Shake it up with ice. If you have a few of these it will relax you, and you will have a paranormal experience.
Libra, someone is trying to persuade you to do something, but you’re not ready. The power struggle will continue until late April, when everything will become clear (or your friend will become tired). Until then, you will have to rely on brandy to give you insight. Mix it with everything! Pour it on your cereal.
The stars are very specific for you, Scorpio. March will feature new opportunities, but you should pursue them on the 10th or the 25th if you want them to work out. These would be good days for job interviews or even a health check-up. This leaves all the other days in March free for drinking vodka and Mountain Dew. Isn’t it great when the stars line up?
Sagittarius, sometimes you are oversensitive, and this week you feel like a target for criticism. But is it all in your head? It’s difficult to know when your head is full of vodka and blueberry schnapps (which might actually be the source of criticism, from coworkers for instance). Still, you might just be paranoid, which is inevitable after many years of constant inebriation.
Your feelings are a little unsteady this week, Capricorn. Just like Sagittarius, you’re starting to think everything is a personal attack, when it’s really just all the rum and vodka swishing around your brain cells. Someone will tell you a juicy secret this week. It’ll be very hard to keep it, but luckily you’ll be slurring your words too badly to let it out of the bag.
Aquarius, your best day is Saturday, mainly because you’ve been fighting with a colleague at work and you could use a weekend without some douchebag in your face. Spend the weekend in bed with a bottle of wine, or get adventurous and mix a big punchbowl full of rum, gin, vodka, and Pernod. Obviously, Sunday’s gonna suck.
Pisces, you’re still employed, which is always cause for celebration. Everything is going so well for you that you’re actually getting a little soft. You’re letting down your guard and inviting weird people into your home—fun! Make them some blender drinks; weird people always love those. How about Bailey’s, bananas, ice cream, and coconut milk? Then you won’t need supper.