Month: January 2012

VALDEPEÑAS ANCIANO TEMPRANILLO GRAN RESERVA (2001)—Aged, just like my mum

Today my mum said, “Stop mooning around liquor cabinet and make yourself useful.”

I have no idea what that means, my fellow inebriates, do you?

Just look at me: I’m a little 7” bear with a severe alcohol addiction. What possible use is my mother thinking of? I’m not meant to be useful; I am strictly decorative.

She tends to get self-righteous when she’s just put in a solid half-hour’s worth of honest work herself. Then it’s time to eat five chocolate bars, turn the heat up so she doesn’t have to move around, and otherwise reward herself for that massive effort.

Younger, fluffier times

Granted she’s a little stressed out. Today’s the big 43, and neither of us is as fluffy as we once were. Aging is tough, and especially tough when you don’t feel you’ve accomplished enough for your years.

The best thing I can really do for my aging mother is make a yummy wine recommendation: VALDEPEÑAS ANCIANO TEMPRANILLO GRAN RESERVA (2001), barrel-aged for 10 years.

There are plenty of young tempranillos out there, and they can certainly be consumed young, but a tempranillo with ten years’ oak aging under its belt is a spectacular find for $15.99. Whereas it’s difficult to find inexpensive wines of this vintage from most wine-producing countries, Spain is proving itself a trove, with tempranillo enjoying a renaissance among growers with the mettle to coach the finicky black grapes through the growing season.

The grapes are challenging to grow because they require a cool climate to achieve good acidity, but they need heat to reach optimal sugar levels. Like my mother, they are difficult to please, and inclement weather pisses them off. Thus they are used more often as blending grapes than as single varietals.

My parents are basically philistines about wine; that’s why they gravitate to plummy, jammy fruit explosions that satisfy their immature tastes. It’s the reason I’m steering their venerable tastebuds toward the VALDEPEÑAS ANCIANO TEMPRANILLO—they are old enough to handle a more demanding taste experience.

Swirled in the glass, this purply, brick-red Spanish wine gives off a spicy, leathery essence, with vanilla chiming in lightly. Decanting is not a must, but it enhances the wine’s ability to morph its high notes into more subtle, rounded flavors.

If you’re a shiraz or cab fan this tempranillo will surprise your palate, perhaps not positively at first—its opening notes are sharper, pointier—but if you let it linger on your tongue, velvety stone fruits, currants, white pepper and licorice will emerge. This wine is dense with complexity, and if you can manage it, you should drink it undistracted.

So turn off the porn, get out the decanter, and give it a good swirl. And as I told my mum, “You can get away with drinking it slowly—43 isn’t so old that you’ll die before the bottle’s finished.”

And that was when she told me to go and make myself useful.

LINDEMAN’S PREMIER SELECTION SHIRAZ CABERNET (2010)

My Fellow Inebriates,

Everybody around me is depressed. It’s January, they’re recovering from festive spending, work is slow, tax season is looming, and they never did make it back to the gym after New Year.

Not to mention it’s freaking dark outside all the time. Axial tilt is a bitch this time of year for the Northern Hemisphere and, even though my parents say there are six or seven hours of daylight I could enjoy if I got up, it’s just not enough light to preserve sanity.

Psychologists agree. One in eight of us suffers from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Most sensible animals hibernate, slowing down their heart rates and sleeping most of the winter. But if I did that I wouldn’t ever catch up on Breaking Bad on Netflix.

So how do doctors recommend we cheer ourselves up?

Truck nuts outside Walmart

A handful of nuts. Nutritionists say omega-3s and selenium boost your serotonin. Sounds like a job for Frangelico hazelnut liqueur.

Exercise. Physical activity releases happy hormones called endorphins. Why drive to the liquor store when you can jog? And you don’t have to sober up.

Talking. Find a drinking buddy and have a chat.

Light therapy. Screeching hangover and a bright light—sounds like the seventh layer of hell.

Relax. Ahhhh! Decant a nice wine. Not a crappy vino, mind you! When you feel depressed it’s especially important to hit the price/quality sweet spot. If your credit card is still searing hot, try LINDEMAN’S PREMIER SELECTION SHIRAZ CABERNET (2010). I kid you not, this wine is under $10 and beats the hell out of most price competitors. This ruby-red 60/40 blend is rich and aromatic, wafting ripe blackberry. In the mouth it’s full, jammy and big with background pepper and licorice notes plus soft tannins.

The LINDEMAN’S PREMIER wines are marketed toward the hospitality industry as suitable companions to restaurant meals. Makes sense—they’re reasonably priced and uncomplicated enough to be enjoyed in distracting environments. I hate to think what a glass would cost at the local burger joint, though—at 300% mark-up the joy of finding a good cheap wine would be somewhat dampened.

Too structured to qualify as a simple fruitbomb, LINDEMAN’S PREMIER SELECTION SHIRAZ CABERNET is friendly and long-finishing—a good accompaniment to that chat with a friend, and perfectly good for solitary sorrow-drowning.

ASTROLIQUOR for Jan. 13-19—what the stars say you should drink

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You haven’t been following your instincts, Aries, and you’re stuck. Start making some discreet queries about moving upward or onward in your career. But don’t be distracted from your love life. Your partner is hitting the bottle hard, and if you don’t catch up there’ll be none left for you. Don’t smash that vodka bottle fighting; share it between you nicely, and stretch it out by adding some Frangelico, Bailey’s and creme de cacao.

Taurus, you’ve been a great team player lately and people are eager to reward you with bar drinks. Say yes, but don’t take excessive advantage—i.e., don’t make them clean up your vomit later. Throwing up is somewhat inevitable when you go overboard combining dark rum and triple sec, so at least aim for the toilet when it all comes back up.

This is going to be a drama-free week, Gemini. Find a good book and stock up on your favorite spirits—I’m thinking tequila and and vodka in equal parts. Ignore the chores, but not to the point where your house is uncomfortable. (If you barf on the floor you should clean it up.)

Go out for a feast on Saturday with somebody you care about, Cancer. You need people around to remind you that you are special, and to prevent you from going on a bender alone. Sure, you have the urge to drink a punch bowl full of vodka, but it’s so much more fun with a friend, isn’t it? No driving for you this week! You will be perma-drunk and accident-prone.

You have a social week ahead, Leo, with calls from new acquaintances who want to get to know you. Don’t ignore them. New friends represent an opportunity to reinvent yourself. New friends have never seen you with your underwear on your head. If you’re unsure what to pour for them, try cognac or some tawny port—or both; these drinks are elegant right up until the moment you lose control.

Such a slacker at work, Virgo! Your coworkers are starting to call you on tasks you slough off on them. Time to reach into your desk and share your apple brandy flask. This will temporarily endear you to them and buy you some more time to play Bejeweled or grope yourself or whatever you like to do at work.

Libra, your colleagues are talking behind your back. It won’t come to anything, so just ignore it and continue spiking your coffee with Bailey’s, Kahlua and butterscotch liqueur. Obviously they’re jealous of your nonchalance. This week isn’t especially lucky, but you might win something the next.

You can function again in groups, Scorpio. In fact, you’re pretty gregarious and may make some long-lasting friends this week. Not love material, mind you—it’s hard to find someone who really gets you and your thing for tequila with Galliano. I’d say control yourself on Thursday, but a bar fight is pretty much in the cards.

Sagittarius, you make your friends uncomfortable when you describe your intimacies in graphic detail. Some of them are so repelled that they will stage an intervention this week. What a perfect opportunity to serve alcohol. Try this mixture:

  • 2 cups gin
  • 1 cup creme de cassis
  • 4 cups vodka
  • Sprite, tonic and lime juice to taste

Pour it into a big bowl with ice. If your friends protest that you’ve hijacked their intervention, you get it all to yourself.

You know what your problem is and how to tackle it, Capricorn, but still you haven’t begun! It’s genuinely difficult to get started when you can’t even stand up, and Bacardi has had a lot to do with that lately. It goes well with triple sec and raspberry liqueur, doesn’t it? I like it that way for breakfast.

Aquarius, your life is about to change dramatically, and for the better. You will discover new strengths you didn’t know you had. Your tolerance for alcohol is unbelievable! You put it away day and night, starting with Grand Marnier in your morning coffee and moving on from there. Basically, you are my hero this week.

Pisces, people have it in for you this week. Oh no! The best thing is to pretend they are not there. If it’s hard to practice avoidance, dull your senses with a trippy beverage—maybe Guinness with Jagermeister in it. This will give you bad indigestion and remind you of the homemade booze you used to make in prison.