The house was quiet last night, which is both always and never a good thing.

It meant five hours of quiet contemplation (good), cursing my paws’ inability to open bottles (bad), enjoying safety from pre-K torture (very good), but wondering if my parents were drinking wine without me (heinous).

And indeed they were. Someone had invited the family to an open house.

Now, I would never invite my parents anywhere. They do not know how to conduct themselves. Typically they blunder around trying to make small talk until one or both of them finally realizes they can’t comport themselves without alcohol, and next thing you know they’ve downed several glasses and wrestled somebody into a conversation about transubstantiation or genetic engineering or abortion. And then an invitation doesn’t come the following year.

Nevertheless, some well-meaning persons invited my parents to their home and off they went without me. Reportedly there was a sumptuous feast (don’t care, don’t care) and a selection of lovely wines (YEAH!).

After installing the kids in the basement to watch “Elf,” they made a beeline (I’m sure) for the decanter, which held VIU MANENT ESTATE MALBEC (2009). You remember we tasted an Argentine malbec not so long ago, so I would have liked to get in on this. But unfortunately I have to rely on my parents’ limited tasting notes:

“Dark and fruity (!!—it’s made of fruit, dumbass parents) with gentle spice and smokiness; supporting notes of chocolate and licorice with medium finish. An accessible, easy-drinking wine and a good choice for parties.”

Their hosts made the right choice decanting this wine. I don’t know how long any given bottle at the party was able to open up, with my parents holding their glasses out every two minutes, but a good malbec particularly benefits from decanting and tends to reveal a different character every quarter-hour if it’s allowed to sit.

My parents were very lucky to be invited to such a lovely Christmas Eve gathering, and bastards for not taking me along in a purse or pocket.

Merry Christmas, my fellow inebriates. Raise a glass to peace on earth.