It’s not easy making green drinks, especially without thumbs

My Fellow Inebriates,

With three days to go until St. Patrick’s Day, I thought we’d better get cracking on the green drinks. We’ll need ingredients, shakers, ice, glassware, and possibly food items.

And look what my first Google search brought me:


OMG! What the hell is that?

“Freshness in a glass,” says Oprah.

Holy shit, have you any idea what’s in this?

  • A head of celery
  • ½ bunch kale
  • 3 yellow crookneck squash
  • 1 handful fresh green beans
  • 2 apples
  • 1 grapefruit

You’re supposed to throw all of this into a JUICER and then drink it. OMG!

I was borderline-offended by this. Where is the alcohol?

I know what celery is: the garnish for a nice Bloody Mary or Bloody Caesar. But what is kale, my fellow inebriates? WTF is crookneck squash? Which beans are green and why would I want to ingest them? Are apples the round ones or the oblong ones? And why on earth would you use a grapefruit for anything but a Greyhound?

Nevertheless, I thought I would choke all this shit back with some Big Bacardi Apple in it. That way I wouldn’t need to use real apples. And if I ever met Oprah I could tell her about it. I remembered there was a rotting grapefruit in the fridge fruit drawer, and whatever the hell kale and crookneck squash are, I figured my mum could go and buy them. But it was raining, she said, looking up from her book, and surely I could find something else to do. She said that, with the kids away, she was going to enjoy three days of NOT preparing whimsical food requests and throwing them away. So there it stood.

I said this wasn’t a whim; it was a PROJECT. Something Oprah believed in and endorsed. Something that would save us all from SCURVY.

She said that sometimes, when bears look like they have scurvy, they actually just need to go in the washing machine.


The unfortunate Wetherby bear, tumbling around

So here are some proper green drinks:

The Real Mojito

You need a muddler to mash up the mint leaves a bit and release their essence. Then it all gets a bit involved. The best thing is probably to mix up a LOT of mojitos and store them in the fridge, because I can’t imagine cutting limes and muddling/mixing/shaking/pouring while drunk.

Margaritas on the Rocks

Okay, so it’s not that green, but it’s green enough for St. Patrick’s Day, and if you drink a whole blender of it you’ll be green too. Yum!

Apple Martini

This is another one requiring a lot of ingredients, a shaker, ice, and probably opposable thumbs. It looks lovely enough to be worth the effort.

Green Lizard Shot

Now we’re talking. Chartreuse and Bacardi 151, and dead simple to make.

▪ ▪ ▪

We’re all set! But will my parents do the right thing and go booze shopping?

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