zodiac

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 2-8

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

It’s time for holiday parties, Aries, and your key word is networking this week. Unfortunately you’ll need to keep your wits about you, because you’re a real bad-ass about bar fights when you’re loaded. Choose high-fat festive drinks to soak up some alcohol. I’m thinking eggnog with rum and Kahlua for you.

Taurus, this week features long-distance relationships. This can get really maudlin. Be careful when you’re skyping not to spill your holiday apple cider all over the keyboard, or get naked, because it can all be recorded 😉

There’s money in your future this week, Gemini. The best place to invest it is your liquor cabinet. You can afford a classy gin. Try mixing it with dry sherry in a rocks glass, garnished with lemon.

Although you’re a romantic at heart, Cancer, it’s not often that you let people enter your precious inner rectum sanctum. With horny love planet Venus in your relationship house it’s a good time to drop your pants guard. Sexy times call for sexy drinks, so how about combining triple sec, Malibu and peach schnapps in equal amounts? That should facilitate good times.

You have an urge to beautify yourself this week, Leo, as Venus tours your house of healthy living. Just remember: if you add pineapple juice to anything, it becomes healthy. Go with white tequila.

You’ve been doing a lot of stalking lately, Virgo, but it’s finally time to make your move. Don’t worry, you’re on a hot streak. There’s gotta be someone special out there who doesn’t mind the smell of cheap whiskey and maple syrup in the morning.

It’s home improvement time, Libra, but as usual you have to be careful not to overcommit. It would be just like you to go all-in on some DIY idea and then bail, leaving all the shit lying around your kitchen for the next year. That’s because you’re always drunk. If you insist on being industrious, try mixing up this awesome drink:

  • 1.5 oz rum
  • 0.5 oz bourbon
  • 0.5 oz creme de cacao
  • 0.5 oz blackberry brandy

That should keep you busy, and it doesn’t matter if it’s splattered around your kitchen for a few days.

Think locally, act drunkenly, Scorpio. There’s a lot of great stuff going on in your neighborhood, obviating the need to drive. It’s more fun reeling around on foot anyway. I can see you hammered on the street corner, reeking of whiskey and orange-flavored vodka.

Sagittarius, you’re flush again and ready to throw all that cash into liquor. Have you ever tried vanilla vodka? Go get some! Throw it together 2:1 with Southern Comfort. If you get the urge to go outside and find new friends, pour your mixture into a bottle of Green Gatorade and take it outside! What flavor is Green Gatorade anyway? I have no idea.

You’re unaccountably popular this week, Capricorn. You’re a magnet, and people are on you like flies. Buy them drinks. Malibu drinks! They will love that. Take them to your house, get out the blender and blend more Malibu drinks. Try frozen pink lemonade, Malibu and whipped cream. Mmmm. When everybody gets too drunk, kick them out.

You’re still stressed out, Aquarius, so your job is to create a dreamy mindscape for yourself. Relax… What? Yeah, I know, it’s hard to let go. I know how that is. If you can’t ease your tension, you need a shit-kicking mixture to assist. Here’s the ultimate combo: 2 oz each Cuervo, Jack Daniels, Johnnie Walker and Jim Beam. That’s all! Mix them all up, equal parts, and sip till you don’t care.

Pisces, there’s a party going on near you, and the networking possibilities are huge. That means tequila. Tequila with Corona—yeah!! Who knows, maybe you’ll wake up with your boss.

ASTROLIQUOR for Nov. 25-Dec. 2

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

My advice to you, Aries, is to lie back and take it easy. Try a new combination such as this:

  • 3 oz tequila
  • 3 oz vodka
  • 5 oz peach schnapps
  • 2.5 cups orange juice

Wake up, call in sick, mix this up in a pitcher and sip it all day.

Taurus, you’ve been thinking about improving your mind. But self-improvement takes a lot of time—time best spent on drinking. Thoughts of self-improvement are pernicious. Keep them in check with this:

  • 2 oz brandy
  • 1 tsp pineapple juice
  • 1 tsp lemon juice
  • 0.5 tsp cherry liqueur
  • Dash bitters

There’s a party somewhere this week, Gemini. But your mind is in a thousand places, so you might forget about it—maybe because you start every day with cognac in your coffee. Don’t worry if you miss someone’s birthday; everyone forgives a drunk.

You are suffocating in your house, Cancer! You need to free your mind and body. Get a big 2L bottle of Fresca, dump half of it and replace it with whiskey. Face the weather, cold or hot, and reel around the neighborhood in your underwear with your big bottle.

This is still a good time to blow your paycheck on booze, Leo. You’re feeling happy and at ease, everybody loves you, and you’re making useful contacts. Buy everyone a Monkey F#ck:

  • 0.5 oz rum
  • 0.5 oz banana liqueur
  • 0.5 oz coffee liqueur
  • 1 tsp half-and-half cream

 

A lot of people think they can count on you, Virgo, but that probably won’t be true if you continue combining apple cider and whiskey at work. Try to make friends with a nice, forgiving Cancer, then you can keep on drinking.

Everything’s going like clockwork, Libra, but you still have a bar fight in your future. Read my Smirnoff review for a cautionary tale about house-wreaking. Don’t let it stop you, though! I recommend mixing your Smirnoff with gingerale to take the edge off. Good luck.

You try to make people think that you’re exercising and working hard, Scorpio, but you’re really making other people do your shit for you. Suckers! Lie back with some Southern Comfort and amaretto liqueur; add pineapple juice if that mixture has too much bite. Keep laughing at other people; sometimes they deserve it.

Sagittarius, you will never find a mate if you keep gargling orange juice and Kahlua together. Clean yourself up and find a drink that won’t curdle in your mouth. Maybe some beer. Yeah, some beer.

Keep fending off logic and rationality, Capricorn. It’s not tax season yet, so you don’t need those qualities. I see you lurching around on an applejack brandy and benedictine bender. Yeah! Maybe you’ll meet somebody in your travels.

You think you handle stress well, Aquarius, but you’re calling in sick on Mondays a whole lot. You make an imaginative shit mix, though—I like Captain Morgan for you this week with…hmmm…Coke, Sprite, Orange Crush and peppermint schnapps. Doesn’t that sound awesome? It sure won’t help you with work, though.

Pisces, you’re all worn out, and you want to throw your alarm clock across the room. Do it! Call in sick and get yourself occupied with this little mixture:

  • 1 oz Smirnoff 
  • 2 oz amaretto
  • 2 oz butterscotch liqueur
  • 2.5 oz half-and-half

You may think this is not for breakfast, but one taste will convince you otherwise. Go for it! You wouldn’t have been useful this week anyway.