zodiac

ASTROLIQUOR for Jan. 6-12—what the stars say you should drink

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You have a lot of personal problems, Aries, but the outside world is even more messed up, which should give you some perspective. Distract yourself by redecorating your house. You’ll get the most interesting results if you do this drunk (but please, no power tools). This drink should inspire you:

  • 3 oz banana schnapps
  • 1 oz peach schnapps
  • 1 oz strawberry schnapps
  • Splash orange juice
  • Splash grenadine

Mix the first three, then add the last two. This might not be enough alcohol, in which case try doubling the recipe.

Taurus, you’ve often been the designated driver lately, a fact you’re starting to resent. If you can’t foist this duty off on somebody else (somebody responsible), stay home and drink Tequila Rose. Sometimes it’s best to drink alone, especially when you’re feeling taken advantage of.

Charities have started hitting you up for money, Gemini. That’s okay, as long as you believe in their goals. But if you find yourself short on drinking money, you might want to help out in non-financial ways, such as letting a drug addict stay at your house or stripping for the elderly. If altruism is wearing you out, relax with a hard-hitting drink—maybe some Bacardi 151 mixed with amaretto and Bailey’s.

You could do with some excitement, Cancer. Sometimes you need to force the issue and seek out uncomfortable situations. The best way to do this is in a drunken state so your judgment can’t impede any potential thrills. Look for weird people to hang out with; they’re often very accepting, and they might enjoy an exotic drink or two. Here’s a start:

  • 2 oz creme de cassis
  • Splash lime cordial
  • 4 oz Absolut Kurant
  • Splash raspberry juice
  • 1 cup lemonade (or none if you prefer)

Make a slushy in your blender. Everybody likes slushies, and they’ll like you for making them one.

Friday is a big day for your love life, Leo, which means you should probably have a bath. Get ready to impress—this person could be your soul mate, which calls for a special drink. Shake copious but equal amounts of vodka, maple liqueur, Irish cream, creme de cacao, white chocolate liqueur, dark chocolate liqueur together with ice. Add half-and-half cream to taste. This is a great drink to share in bed, but if you make a habit of it you’ll need to be airlifted out of bed one day like those people on Maury Povich.

I see a fling with an exciting foreigner for you, Virgo, but don’t pin any long-term hope on this hook-up. Just enjoy his/her eclectic drink tastes and expand your horizons. Just for sport, try mixing Bailey’s, sambuca and rootbeer. Wow! See who can drink the most of this unusual beverage. Just when you’re pissed to the point where you can’t speak, a valued old friend will call to report being cured of an incurable disease. Magic! Is it true or is it a hallucination?

Libra, one of your friends is really choked at you over something you didn’t actually do. This sucks, because it’s draining energy from what was once a valuable friendship. You need to work it out, and what better facilitator is there than alcohol? Start innocently with chocolate milk, then add some brandy to it. Before long you’ll be either swinging at each other or trading back rubs.

Do you plan to be an organ donor, Scorpio? Let’s hope not, because that liver is getting pickled. Best to enjoy the ride on planet earth, which means drinking all the Drambuie and Kahlua you want. You’re getting the urge to color your hair—go for it! The crazier the better. There will be one dissenter among your friends who feels the need to criticize it. Don’t give this person any Drambuie or Kahlua; he/she won’t appreciate it.

Sagittarius, relationships and chance meetings are featured this week. You’ll be bumping into people everywhere, and at least one of them will be into you. Whether this develops into something serious will depend on your particular level of flakiness. Regardless, alcohol will help you out of those clothes. I see a Malibu/vodka bender with some Frangelico for extra panache.

An acquaintance is jealous of you, Capricorn. This is very upsetting and threatens your relationship, whether it be work-related or personal. Try not to stew about it. Loosen up with a happy drink, such as Midori melon liqueur with apple juice and gingerale. Don’t overdo it, though, and make sure you stow the car keys away. This week calls for caution around anything with moving parts—especially if your jealous friend is at the controls. I know, I know, that’s really creepy, but it was in the stars.

Ditch the pastel shades, Aquarius, and go after the vivid life you deserve. Get rid of anything bland, including boring wardrobe items. Now’s the time to step outside your comfort zone. Go ahead, embarrass yourself a little. Find one of those People of Walmart to give you fashion inspiration. Those people are numerous and happy to exhibit their special ideas. Reward them with Bailey’s and butterscotch shots. If they barf on your carpet, well, doesn’t that just make your life more colorful?

Pisces, you’re getting a lot of appeals for help lately. Maybe you’re in social work; maybe you just don’t look very busy. Let the supplicants know you’ll only help for a little while—i.e., until you’re too drunk to care about them. The easiest way to abbreviate your charity work is to drink constantly. But be careful… One of the people bugging you is secretly in love with you. Expect an unusual gift—some Jagermeister or Goldschlager, for example, along with an invitation to share. Watch out for over-sharing, though! This person has chlamydia.

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 23-29

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

It’s time to do all the chores you’ve been neglecting, Aries, which means cleaning up all the rum. What a mess a liquor cabinet becomes when it contains too many partially used bottles. Get drinking and finish some off. Sure, it’s early, but it’s also the holiday season, so you can do whatever you want. Oh yeah, and you’re going to lose a crapload of money gambling this week. Try to spend your casino money on white rum.

Taurus, you need to make a crazy party punch full of all kinds of fruits and juices AND—don’t forget this part—a gallon each of Everclear, Smirnoff and Sailor Jerry’s. Throw some triple sec in for character and you’re ready for the holidays. Sounds like a big quantity? Not really—you just have to start at breakfast. BTW, you are going to run out of money making this, and there won’t be any more until February.

You’ve been drunk for a long time, Gemini. So drunk that one morning you wake up and can’t recognize anybody. This is a great thing—an invaluable opportunity to reinvent yourself. And the best way to do that is to make new friends at the bar. Try buying them Smirnoff & Midori melon drinks.

Get your affairs in order, Cancer, so you can relax. Once you take care of business, you can turn your attention to making bizarre drinks for yourself and whatever weirdos you pick up around town. Here’s a good one: 4 cups lager + 1 cup sherry…with melon balls thrown into it, floating around. Yum, right?

I see a bar fight for you this week, Leo, featuring an angry Aquarius. Don’t worry; you’ll have a threesome with a Taurus and a Capricorn later in the week. Give yourself a preemptive spank with this creation:

  • 1.5 oz banana schnapps
  • 1.5 oz vanilla vodka
  • 1 oz Bacardi 151

Don’t eat too much this week, Virgo. Why eat when you can sustain yourself with tequila? If the room starts to spin, go out for a nice walk. All sorts of people will laugh at you as you stagger along. Think of it as holiday spirit, not ridicule because you forgot to put on pants.

Libra, there are some voices in your head telling you to do hectic, seasonal things like cook a turkey. Don’t listen to them! You have drinks to mix, and if you consume enough of them, you’ll be off the hook for cooking duty. Here’s a drink recipe to start:

  • 1 cup sweet-and-sour mix
  • 3 oz melon liqueur
  • 2 oz Blue Curacao
  • 2 oz amaretto
  • 2 oz raspberry vodka
  • Lots of ice

Yes, it’s a big quantity, but you can do it.

People are starting to bore you, Scorpio. This is compounded by the fact that you’ve pulled Designated Driver duty this week. Take it seriously and abstain while you’re out, but once you’ve dropped your boring friends off, hit the vodka (with Jagermeister and Goldschlager of course).

Sagittarius, everything feels like it’s against you, but try to remember it’s been worse before. Ride out this depressive episode in bed with a tumbler of Irish whiskey beside you.

You are being watched, Capricorn. You’re not imagining it, and the watcher is a Scorpio. Don’t ignore this seemingly creepy person; he/she may have something useful for you, whether it be a job or casual sex. Your drink is amaretto—put it in everything.

You’re changing mentally, Aquarius, and not necessarily for the best. People around you are noticing and wondering whether you’re in some sort of destructive spiral. They wonder if it will be like a road accident to watch, or whether you’ll give them a laugh on your downward trajectory. Since no sort of psychological implosion is complete without alcohol, here’s a colorful recipe:

  • 3 oz lemon vodka
  • 2 oz melon liqueur
  • 1 oz Blue Curacao
  • 1 oz lemon or lime juice
  • 2 oz sweet-and-sour mix

Blend it up with ice. Never mind other people.

Pisces, you’re getting annoyed at others’ shirking of responsibilities. Clearly, you are too sober. If you had sufficient alcohol levels, you wouldn’t care whether your coworkers were working or whether the kid at Starbucks knows how to make a latte. Get on the festive train and stop pissing on everybody’s parade. Vodka martinis for you ASAP.

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 16-22: What the stars say you should drink

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

This week sucks for you, Aries, but you’ll have to accept the mantle of Designated Driver. Even when you go out with friends who promise to be DD, they will let you down. So it’s fruit juice for you when you’re out, but make sure you have a nice bottle of wine for yourself when you’ve discharged your driving duties.

Taurus, your relationships with people are going to take a beating this week. Don’t hit the unfriend button yet; they’re only being temporary douchebags. For now, stay away from people and drink alone. You can do a lot of things with Skyy melon vodka, and there’s more left for you if you take the antisocial road. Try mixing it with 7-Up, sweet-and-sour mix, and a squeeze of lemon.

You had money coming a couple of weeks ago, but now you’ve spent it and things are a bit worrisome, Gemini. You’re going to be bumming drinks until the end of February. Stretch your vodka and gin by adding juice, crushed ice, sugar—whatever gives you more sipping time. It’s a drag to be busted, so make sure you don’t buy anything more expensive than Smirnoff.

Cancer, you’ve been ignoring your family and your ass is spreading all over your chair from spending 12 hours a day on the Internet. Try getting so drunk that you can’t read anything at all. It’ll be refreshing for you, and nice for your family to see you reeling around again. The best shortcut to inebriation: Southern Comfort with a touch of tonic and lime.

Stop rushing around, Leo, it’s stressing you out and it’s not very efficient in the end. The world will go on whether you are sober or drunk, so get plastered with a case of beer.

If you planned your days better, Virgo, you’d have more “you” time. Haha, just kidding, you have lots of “you” time. I see you spending it with a bottle of Bacardi 151 and some tabasco.

You often wait for people to call or email you, Libra, but it’s time for you to take some initiative. Find some people at the supermarket and invite them over. Make them Bailey’s-and-rum shots. If they ask you who the hell you are, invite them to rub lotion on you.

You’ll hear from an old friend you’ve been out of touch with, Scorpio. This easy-to-please pal will forget any ways you’ve been a jerk and happily go to work mixing drinks with you. But let’s face it, it’s awkward falling back into conversation with old friends, so you should fast-track getting wasted. Here’s a delightful recipe that will occupy you both so those uncomfortable silences don’t intrude on your reunion.

  • 3 oz gin
  • 1.5 oz Southern Comfort
  • 1 oz lemon liqueur
  • 1 oz peach liqueur
  • 1 oz lemon juice
  • 1 oz simple syrup
  • 1 oz peach juice (where the hell do you get that? ask your friend to bring it)

Sagittarius, it’s time to paint the house, literally. You have to choose your colors wisely, though, so make your trip to Benjamin Moore before you throw this wicked recipe together:

  • 3 oz tequila
  • 2 oz Malibu
  • 2 oz mango-flavored vodka
  • 2 oz pineapple liqueur
  • 1 oz Grand Marnier
  • Hawaiian Punch to taste (I’m using “none”)

Another good reason to do your paint shopping first: you don’t want to be an asshole and drive after consuming this.

Take the plunge this week, Capricorn. Regardless of what it is, go big or go home. Plug in appliances without reading the manual; book a vacation without reading the fine print; and make awesome drinks like this one:

  • 1 oz sloe gin
  • 1 oz advocaat
  • 1 oz cherry brandy

Layer all three kinds of booze into shot glasses. He who hesitates is lost—pound them.

It’s not a good week for you to go outside, Aquarius, because the stars are predicting your bike will get stolen or wrecked. Obviously transportation and drinking don’t mix, so you’ll wisely stay home to drown your sorrows. Here’s your beverage:

  • Equal parts gin, vodka, pineapple juice and orange soda
  • Splash of grenadine and a brandy to taste

After you’ve had six or so, someone important will phone you—probably offering you a coveted job or opportunity. You’ll be too shitfaced to articulate an answer.

Pisces, just because you don’t have money, you shouldn’t stop spending. Every drink bought for an acquaintance is a chance at networking. Pretty soon you’ll be out of the job you hate and into one of those cushy (mythical?)  liquid-lunch office jobs. Stick with vodka so the odor doesn’t betray how loaded you are.