zodiac

ASTROLIQUOR for Feb. 24 to March 1—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you are missing out on valuable REM sleep. Try to meditate during your daytime pre-drinking hours. See if you can go into a dreaming state, then write everything down that you see. You’ll be surprised at the creative thoughts churning around in your head. Those ideas want to get out of your head, but they have to swim through a lot of Smirnoff.

Taurus, your mornings are pretty rough this week—aches, pains, tremors. A nice steam bath will fix you up and, one would hope, involve washing that vodka sweat off…so hurry and do it, because your colleagues expect you to deliver a big presentation. OMG, can you hold it together with a headful of Absolut and Cointreau? Let positive thoughts wash over you. Make your presentation as vapid and catchword-laden as possible. Your audience will cheer and invite you out for more drinks.

Relationships are evolving, Gemini, and generally for the better. You’re figuring out what people mean to you, and which Facebook friends you can jettison. This will help you focus at work and give you more time to enjoy gin with coconut cream. Meanwhile, there’s a very seductive Capricorn making your fur stand on end. Be careful…your partner knows all about it. Better make sure you have extra gin.

Cancer, if you’ve been single for a while, this week features an exciting new fling. But if you’re in a long-term relationship, you’ll be yawning a bit. Those of you in the former category, enjoy. Those of you in the latter category, enjoy this:

  • 2 oz dark rum
  • 2 oz light rum
  • 2 oz whiskey
  • 1/4 cup creme de cacao
  • 4 oz cream of coconut

Blend and pour over crushed ice. This is as interesting as it’s gonna get for you this week, so get busy.

Leo, a friend who’s into charitable works will ask you for help with a cause this week. Your impulse is to say yes, throw aside your work, family and all other considerations, and help your friend. That’s cool, but make sure it’s a real charity you’re helping. You don’t want to commit your time to sewing pointy white hats or collecting Richard Dawkins books for an anti-evolution bonfire. The best way to avoid this sort of bad judgment is to break out the rum the moment you wake up. Then keep pouring it in your coffee all day. Ahhhh! When your friend phones, you won’t even be able to form the word “hello.”

Why are you letting yourself get trodden on, Virgo? Normally you’re pretty good at taking care of yourself, but this week brings insecurity and obsessive compulsiveness. The little details overwhelm you, and you lose focus on boundaries. Just like Leo, the best way to avoid being taken advantage of is to hole up inside with a strong drink. I see you lying on the kitchen floor, 12 parts Jagermeister and six parts apple vodka swirling around your brain. If that’s not being the captain of your soul, I don’t know what is.

Libra, your recent pessimism has taken a hike, and skies look blue to you now. Everything is going your way, your energy is bubbling, and you feel safe and secure. Naturally this makes you magnetic to others. Saturday will bring plenty of admirers, including one who’s willing to split a bottle of bourbon with you. Go for it.

The stars are influencing you positively this week, Scorpio. The social calendar looks good, especially Thursday, and you’re fielding attractive invitations to dinner. It’s tempting to order everything on the menu, and not such a bad idea if you want to absorb alcohol and stay alert dessert, which is, naturally, a liquid suggestion:

  • 5 oz espresso vodka
  • 2 oz chocolate liqueur
  • Hershey’s syrup to taste

Sagittarius, although you’ve been vehemently in favor of one strategy at work, this week you’ll do an about-face, causing everyone to wonder if you are a lush. But you’re not the only screw-up at work. So you freak out and let everyone have it! You belittle your colleagues: the weak links, the laggards, the busybodies—everybody. Then you pull a big bottle of Bombay Sapphire out of your desk drawer and openly shake it up with some vermouth in your Starbucks mug. Wow! Unforeseen holiday for you.

You’re fed up with the slow pace at work, Capricorn. But even though you feel you should be further ahead in your career, your colleagues respect and appreciate you. They don’t see your insecurities because you mask them so well behind a constant, some would say shit-eating, rye-whiskey-fueled grin.

Aquarius, a long-hoped-for meeting will take place this week. But you may be disappointed with the other person; he/she can’t possibly live up to your expectations. This will strain the relationship, leading to a mutual bender involving vodka, rum, and whatever else you two can think of to make each other more tolerable. Try Midori Melon liqueur—it gives everyone a happy sheen.

Pisces, there’s no sense getting angry at that coworker who swiped your Kool-Aid/vodka/rum concoction from the communal fridge. Although your boss may back you up, he/she will also remember the incident, when really you should maintain a low profile. You’ll need it for the next time the cops come into your workplace looking for you. You want to be that guy whose name the boss doesn’t remember.

ASTROLIQUOR for Feb. 17-23—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’ll meet some very compelling people on your next holiday, Aries—and within a few drinks you’ll feel as though you’ve known them forever. But familiarity breeds contempt, and nothing makes fellow vacationers so mutually contemptuous as cleaning up each other’s barf after an orgy featuring whipped-cream-flavored Smirnoff (yes, it exists; somebody send me some).

Taurus, you are super-pissed this week. Somebody is getting on your nerves, and you’re winding up to let ’em have it. You need to step back and see how inconsequential this person is. Look deeper, and you’ll see that somebody else (perhaps somebody non-irritating) is setting you up for a fall. OMG! How will you see it coming with all that vodka in your system? Dilute it with some lemonade; that should clear things up for you.

You tend to fret about time management, Gemini, but if you fixate on the minutes, the years will actually pass you by. Instead of entering items into your calendar, book yourself a day (or several) that you can devote exclusively to drinking. But you have to shake up your routine! Get three shot glasses and fill them up with whiskey, rum, and vodka. Put them aside while you pour a pint glass two-thirds full. Now, light the shot glasses on fire. YEAH! Dump them, glasses and all, into the pint glass, then pound the whole flaming thing while there’s still head on the beer. YES! When you seek out a recovery beverage at Starbucks the next day, you will meet someone nice.

It’s difficult for you to distinguish between love and sex lately, Cancer, but you’re beginning to wonder if it matters. Your latest pursuit is a fellow Cancer who shares this confusion. This makes for hot-cold relations as you each vacillate between caring and not caring for each other. Sounds like alcohol could help! Break out the Jack and combine it with an equal portion of cognac. Whatever amount that makes, double it again with Captain Morgan. Pound it! Now you know it really doesn’t matter.

Leo, it’s time to think about becoming a regular on the psychiatrist’s couch instead of racking up more phone-sex debt. Those phone-sex workers are not trained analysts, you know. They may service a lot of fetishes but they’ve never heard of Freud. Maybe you need to seek a higher power?… Psych! It’s alcohol you need. Did you know they make vanilla vodka? It’s awesome with blueberry juice.

You’re due for an enriching experience, Virgo, but where it will come from is a mystery. It could be a chance meeting, or it could be something you orchestrate. Whichever way, you will learn something from it. Even if it’s just how to make a Hot Damn:

  • 0.5 oz rum
  • 0.5 oz vodka
  • 0.25 oz Canadian whiskey
  • 1 oz orange juice

Shake it up with ice. If you have a few of these it will relax you, and you will have a paranormal experience.

Libra, someone is trying to persuade you to do something, but you’re not ready. The power struggle will continue until late April, when everything will become clear (or your friend will become tired). Until then, you will have to rely on brandy to give you insight. Mix it with everything! Pour it on your cereal.

The stars are very specific for you, Scorpio. March will feature new opportunities, but you should pursue them on the 10th or the 25th if you want them to work out. These would be good days for job interviews or even a health check-up. This leaves all the other days in March free for drinking vodka and Mountain Dew. Isn’t it great when the stars line up?

Sagittarius, sometimes you are oversensitive, and this week you feel like a target for criticism. But is it all in your head? It’s difficult to know when your head is full of vodka and blueberry schnapps (which might actually be the source of criticism, from coworkers for instance). Still, you might just be paranoid, which is inevitable after many years of constant inebriation.

Your feelings are a little unsteady this week, Capricorn. Just like Sagittarius, you’re starting to think everything is a personal attack, when it’s really just all the rum and vodka swishing around your brain cells. Someone will tell you a juicy secret this week. It’ll be very hard to keep it, but luckily you’ll be slurring your words too badly to let it out of the bag.

Aquarius, your best day is Saturday, mainly because you’ve been fighting with a colleague at work and you could use a weekend without some douchebag in your face. Spend the weekend in bed with a bottle of wine, or get adventurous and mix a big punchbowl full of rum, gin, vodka, and Pernod. Obviously, Sunday’s gonna suck.

Pisces, you’re still employed, which is always cause for celebration. Everything is going so well for you that you’re actually getting a little soft. You’re letting down your guard and inviting weird people into your home—fun! Make them some blender drinks; weird people always love those. How about Bailey’s, bananas, ice cream, and coconut milk? Then you won’t need supper.

ASTROLIQUOR for Feb. 10-16—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Communication comes easily to you this week, Aries. You find it easy to formulate your thoughts, but too bad you don’t have anybody to talk to. Try making friends with some coworkers. Okay, so they don’t think you’re a team player; they don’t understand how you can be overbearing and lazy.  Sounds like you need both a chill-out drink and a pick-me-up. Why not both? Pour Absolut peach into an energy drink and take it to work.

Taurus, one of your biggest talents is evading responsibility, but this week you can’t get away with it. All those nasty little jobs you’ve been putting off are building up, and they’re not going to go away. So you’ll have to find a way to make them fun. Try house-cleaning naked, if you don’t usually do it that way. Put on some music and blend up a big pitcher of something unusual to get you through it. I like this recipe (especially if one of the things you’ve been avoiding is absinthe):

  • 3 oz absinthe
  • 3 oz triple sec
  • 12 oz sweet-and-sour mix
  • 1 cup water
  • lemon juice to taste

Shake it up with ice. If you already like absinthe you might wish to leave out the last four ingredients.

You are gradually getting a handle on what you want in life, Gemini, which should boost your confidence. By the end of April you should have your inner self figured out, and superficiality will rule your life again. New gadgets will beckon to you—cell phones, tablets, a new car! Just remember, if you spend the money on these things, you will not have it for Bacardi products. Pour yourself equal parts white and dark rum, throw some passion-fruit syrup into it, and talk yourself off the ledge.

The past is still bugging you, Cancer, and this week you’re reliving your childhood, wondering whether all those beatings were necessary. You might need until May to figure out that your dad was a dink (or not). The verdict should bring you balance and peace of mind. Time to celebrate! Get out the vodka (currant-flavored), add some tonic and grape juice plus a splash of grenadine, then pound about half a dozen. Call your dad.

Leo, you’re so good at cheering other people up, but it’s not always a good idea to cheer them up with sex. April brings stalkers, and they will complicate your life. Thus drinking alone is best. I see you with your own bottle of vodka, a few lime wedges, and some grenadine, and loving it.

Don’t be shy, Virgo. People around you are onto you; they know you’re interesting and they will listen to you. This is a perfect week to have a party…what about a Weird Drinks party? You know vodka’s always a good base, so into the punchbowl with the Absolut. Next? Apple schnapps! Banana schnapps! Tropical juice (how about watermelon or strawberry?)…then (hmmm) cherry Kool-Aid. Never forget how to be interesting.

Libra, you are full of confidence this week. You feel loved, and the little stuff isn’t bothering you one bit. Even the irritating people at work are easy to ignore. This is the pay-off for letting go of the past. But you still have a bunch of stuff—physical stuff. Whenever you try to purge your house, you get sentimental, and there you are among your old newspaper stacks. Get drunk enough not to care, then throw that shit out. Jagermeister and Coke, damn it.

There’s a Libra bothering you, Scorpio. Annoying the hell out of you, in fact, and this person will not take the hint to back off. It’s because of that time the two of you shared a liter of Everclear mixed with two flavors of Kool-Aid and some Orange Crush. This person thought you were bonding, but you just wanted to make him/her invisible. You don’t know what to do, so this might continue for a while.

Sagittarius, you’ll charm the pants off everyone this week. You’re happy-go-lucky and tolerant—no judgment from you. With this kind of charisma you’ll be an adept manipulator, but try not to. Take that crazy Libra who’s stalking Scorpio. You could lure that person with some Jagermeister and DeKuyper Sour Apple Pucker Schnapps. But then you’d be the one with a stalker.

You’re going to shine this week, Capricorn. And when you look this good, people ask for help. All kinds of people will take up your time, and you’ll help them unreservedly. But it’s tiring you out, and you’re neglecting your own needs. Before you reach your breaking point, tune these supplicants out and hole up with some Captain Morgan spiced rum. Throw some cinnamon schnapps into it and enjoy it alone.

Aquarius, you have a Leo admirer who wants you to perform. Ordinarily you’re pretty good at maintaining your detachment, but this Leo is persuasive! Once you let go of your inhibitions, this liaison may last into August if not longer. So toss those inhibitions. (The best method is alcohol—Southern Comfort for you.)

Pisces, you’re willing to help anyone who asks, but be careful what they ask for. (You don’t want to end up in jail again.) Mainly you need to protect your health and not let anyone tire you out with requests. Seriously! You’re having some bowel flare-ups, and you don’t need the stress of doing other people’s errands. Maintain your boundaries, then relax with some cognac.