vodka

ASTROLIQUOR for December 7-13—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’ll have unexpected expenses this week and through the New Year, so stay away from expensive artisanal gin and find yourself some rotgut. You’ll make hotel reservations, only to have them fall through when you reach your (expensive) destination. Hope it’s a warm area of the world; you might be bedding down in cardboard. This could be good for your love life.

Taurus, you feel introverted, causing your friends to wonder what’s wrong with you. The world is heavily skewed toward extroverts, and we can’t all be naked-dancing-lampshade-wearing-Mike’s-hard-lemonade-swilling entertainers, so just own your need for a little quiet and privacy this week. Any friends who can’t respect it are dildos.

When you mix lager and stout in the same glass, Gemini, you feel empowered to do whatever the hell else you want to do too. Moreover, you get the sense that everyone admires you and would like to mate with you. In psychiatric parlance this is called narcissism, and many Geminis enjoy it. The important thing is that you radiate positive energy. You emit  bright sunbeams, even if you think they’re shining out of your shorts.

Cancer, new people enter your life this week—a good thing, since you burned a few bridges in November. You may end up traveling with your new friends and learning about new societies and cultures. You may start drinking Yellow Chartreuse with cognac. All this will be very expensive, but don’t worry about the bruises on your credit card; you’ll win the lottery later in the week.

Leo, you don’t feel like working this week. Instead you’ll fantasize heavily about future plans, watch a lot of porn, and hit on strangers. In other words, this will be a fun week, but it will come back to haunt you in February, depending how many people you piss off. Still, it is in the stars, so you can’t exactly elect not to misbehave. Champagne for you.

Staying home alone may appeal to you, Virgo, but it will actually end up sucking, especially since you’ll miss out on meeting someone special. Not only that—if you mix with other people, someone might offer you a job. However, if it’s not a job but a “lucrative business partnership,” run! The last thing you need is to get financially reamed before the holidays. You need money for vodka, rum, brandy, and amaretto.

Libra, responsibility is the last thing on your mind. Your life has been very mundane lately, and you’re itching to go berserk. Will you make it until New Year without shaking up a 4-L jug of creme de menthe, Frangelico, and vodka? If you restrain yourself, you’ll become very moody at work…. Best to work drunk and happy. Your colleagues like you better that way, and so do you.

What a boring week lies ahead, Scorpio. It’s like you’re in a little pocket of weak celestial influence. You’ll get restless on Wednesday and mix this:

  • 5 oz rum
  • 5 oz pear liqueur
  • 5 oz orange juice
  • 5 oz pineapple juice

You may wish to hollow out a pineapple or a coconut and adorn this amazing drink with umbrellas and whatever weird things you can find. Consuming it should take care of Thursday (who does anything on Thursday anyway), and then on Friday you’ll need to explain some kind of accounting slip-up at work that’s concatenated throughout your department. Rum is really the worst spirit for doing math.

Sagittarius, you’re getting excited about your birthday. Even if it’s already happened, you may feel you didn’t get enough gifts. Why not make yourself a calendar featuring nude pictures of yourself? It will be an interesting conversation piece for a whole year, and you’ll still have money left over for Sailor Jerry. Make sure you go grocery shopping every day if you want to have a hook-up this week.

Your popularity continues, Capricorn. Go with it—an evening with friends will boost your spirits. Make it an inexpensive one, though; find a cheap dive and drink the house beer. This way you can restock your liquor inventory (Frangelico, Haagen Dazs cream liqueur, Grand Marnier, and Kahlua—yes, you need these). Make sure you don’t go to any musicals. No handling livestock either.

Aquarius, you have to fight for your rights this week. The battleground is information. Be suspicious of everyone. If you think you’re being surveilled, it’s because you are. When it comes to drinks, think odorless and colorless. Despite your current vodka-fueled paranoia, you’ll look back at the week with a sense of accomplishment. Except for the part where you bump into an old friend who defrauds you in a get-rich-quick scheme.

Pisces, you need liberty this week. Off with those confining clothes; it’s time to run around in a thong. Surprisingly, your friends won’t interfere. Be thankful for them, but keep things platonic; the stars call nix on any sort of rutting or matting. Turn your tongue and internal organs blue-purple with some blackberry schnapps.

Remembering Glen

My Fellow Inebriates,

Today Scary and I resigned ourselves to the worst. Our good friend Glen, family member since 2004, is not here. He’s not in the house. He’s not at school. He’s not at a neighbor’s. He’s not at Nana & Papa’s. He’s just gone.

What made him leave, we’ll never know. Perhaps if we’d noticed, we could have stopped him. But, heavily insulated as he is, he padded out of LBHQ unheard and unseen, and disappeared forever.

Scary says he’s probably been shot with a crossbow. He says that’s what happens to polar bears who enter Walmart-shadowed suburban areas. No one would have called the SPCA, but somebody with a big-ass truck and a hundred tats would have jumped on the chance to take down an amazing animal like Glen.

Glen.

Glen as a baby, 2006

Good-bye, then

Good-bye, Glen

Good-bye bear bounding off to his den

Good-bye, sir

And his winter fur

Good-bye paws

Good-bye claws

Good-bye cuddles

Good-bye snuggles

Good-bye tumbles

Good-bye bumbles

Good-bye pounces

Good-bye bounces

Good-bye furry mug

Good-bye old lug

Good-bye to the bear we used to hug

♥ ♥ ♥

Said Scary:

scary 2

“Of my friend I can only say this: Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most…ursine.”

 ♦  ♦  ♦

Said Blackie:

DSCN2184

“I can’t ever drink vodka again. Vodka was Glen’s favorite. It’s just too painful.”

 ◊ ◊ ◊

Said Carnivorous Duck:

Minolta DSC

“You had it right the first time. I ate him.”

ROBERT OATLEY SHIRAZ (2009)—Fails to lure Glen Bear back to LBHQ

My Fellow Inebriates,

Glen Bear has disappeared.

Glen Bear attacking Miss P

Glen Bear attacking Miss P, 2006.

You may not remember Glen…. Big fluffy polar bear…hates summer, likes the freezer, could devour a whole seal if one flippered its way through the house….

I started looking for Glen last week when the temperature dipped under 0° (Celsius, my fellow inebriates, otherwise I would have been dead). Glen only really likes his environment when it’s freezing cold, and it’s the only time he’ll allow a cuddle. I needed him to warm me up. And that’s when I realized he’d vanished.

Scary, me, Glen Bear, and Carnivorous Duck, late 2006. Only Glen was happy about the snow.

Scary, me, Glen Bear, and Carnivorous Duck, late 2006. Only Glen was happy about the snow.

My dad said he moved with us for sure back in August. But I can’t really remember. The last time I saw him, the kids had stuffed him into some tight space—maybe a backpack or a box—but what happened to him after that? I don’t even remember which house we were living in then!

It’s sort of a good lesson about drinking, really. Being blasted all the time, I haven’t paid enough attention to Glen’s whereabouts. A big animal like Glen could lumber off anywhere. Polar bears have ridiculous olfactory sensitivity; he might have smelled a female down the street and gone off in pursuit.

Miss P says he didn’t go anywhere. She says Glen “doesn’t really walk.” I said of course not, of course Glen doesn’t walk—he has more of a four-legged gait.

Glen looks more like this when he drinks Polar Ice

Glen looks more like this when he drinks Polar Ice.

When Glen gets mobile, the floor shakes. He’s at least 50 percent bigger than Scarybear—a massive, awesome creature (also our under-recognized resident vodka expert).

So where is Glen???? The kids are curiously unconcerned. One thing is clear, though—if I’m to manage my anxiety, I’ll need some liquor. Not vodka, though—that would remind me of Glen. Maybe ROBERT OATLEY SHIRAZ (2009).

The Mudgee region is one of Australia’s less-advertised wine areas, known mostly for providing blending grapes for such larger wineries as Hunter Valley. ROBERT OATLEY SHIRAZ represents a Mudgee play for higher status. Let’s open it.

Glen has helped me open bottles occasionally, mostly by smashing them, but in his absence my parents had to help. First impressions are earthy, peppery, dense fruit with a hint of taxidermy. The scent does not radiate good behavior, but 14.1% is what’s needed to contend with an anxiety like Glen’s disappearance.

robert oatley shiraz 2009The first sip of ROBERT OATLEY SHIRAZ is a reinforcement of concentrated fruits: blackcurrant, tinned jam, decent acidity, moderate-to-aggressive tannins, and distant wombat farts. Which is to say: it’s not half bad. For you solidovores, it would pair nicely with savory foods, barbecued meats and such. For my “liquids-only” friends, it’s a bit of a chore on its own. Likely you’ll be comparing it to the last really good Australian Shiraz you enjoyed—and there are so many out there that comparisons will pop out immediately. ROBERT OATLEY SHIRAZ approaches the good-natured drinkability of its typical $20 Australian cohort, but it evinces too many conflicting and barnyardy notes to hang with truly awesome Shirazes. It’s just okay, and maybe even a little obnoxious.

Drinking a bottle of Shiraz did not sharpen our memories as to where we last saw Glen—not mine or my parents’. As for the kids, they think maybe he went with them to Nana and Papa’s. Or to school. Or no, maybe not either. They don’t care; they’re watching TV.