specious advice

ASTROLIQUOR for November 2-8—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you won’t want to get out of bed this week. Your hair is matted with amaretto and coconut milk. Shake it off and take a shower. Better still, head for a public bath and inflict your funk on others. After some heavy-duty scrubbing you’ll be ready to give that work presentation the amaretto was helping you forget. Chill out, it will succeed, and then you’ll be invited to a nice restaurant. Drinks on the corporate card 🙂

Taurus, try to write down your dreams as soon as you wake up. This will be especially challenging, as pomegranate vodka tends to quash REM sleep. Do try though, and add some triple sec to shake your neurons up—it may lead to an exciting invention or piece of art, which in turn will lead to an enchanting flirtation.

Cupid aims right at you on Sunday, Gemini, although the stars like to hedge their bets by saying love/fornication could happen on any of the days preceding or following that blessed day. Vodka will break the ice, but your longterm partner may break your head when he/she sees you mating with someone new. Ouch!

Cancer, over the years your relationships have changed. While some friendships have slipped away, the alcohol-fueled ones are going strong, yet becoming less meaningful. Rather than overanalyze it, throw yourself into a creative project. Sip just enough Bailey’s to retain your presence of mind, especially if power tools are involved. Stop thinking about sleeping with that Aquarius; it’s not worth the hassle.

Leo, you’re usually good at standing up for yourself, but this week people use and abuse you. Could it be that Jose Cuervo compromises your feelings of self-worth? OMG! Seek out positive people who assist you in pursuing self-awareness. Mind your boundaries and tell the neighbor who wants to borrow a cup of sugar to take a hike.

The stars call for dangerous personal interactions this week, Virgo. They say (they say) your marriage or longterm relationship will benefit if you have a fling with a stranger. Keep in mind that the stars are really far away and pretty busy carrying out complex nuclear reactions that convert lighter elements into heavy ones. They don’t know shit about love and sex, and when they tell you to mix stout and cider they have no idea how it will turn out. That shit would evaporate on the surface of a star. It wouldn’t even exist in the first place. Stupid stars.

Libra, your loyalty is challenged this week. Be careful about excessive horniness. If you have a spouse, carefully consider the implications of straying.  Maybe you’d do better to avoid temptation and hole up with a 46er of Seagrams 7. If you need to soul-search, find an Aries to talk to, but not one covered in rancid coconut milk and amaretto.

The stars know your life is on an uptick, Scorpio, but they persist in recommending silly drinks. Corona with a shot of rum in it? Sounds gross, but things are going so well for you that…why not? With your positive energy, you’re a magnet for friends right now. Have a party on Saturday and get rid of all that Corona. If you don’t, who knows what the stars will want you to throw in it next week.

Sagittarius, try expressing your feelings this week; it’ll improve your work relationships and help you shake off that nagging worry that there’s a target on your back. Sunday’s your best day; mix this up:

  • 2 oz Cointreau
  • 2 oz Grand Marnier
  • 2 oz vodka
  • 2 oz cognac
  • 2 oz apricot brandy

Looks like you’ll be calling in sick on Monday; isn’t it great you sorted all your crap out first?

Are you single, Capricorn? This week two suitors will vie for your affection. Go for the one who can handle a daily breakfast pick-me-up of Bailey’s, Frangelico, and Grand Marnier. But don’t feel obligated to make it work. Your flirtatious period starts this Sunday and carries on through January, so you have time to be choosy.

Aquarius, you’ll face a big decision this week involving career, finance, or both. It may have to do with your job sucking. Would you rather go to school? Or would you like another job? Don’t ask your family to weigh in; they’ve been waiting to stage an intervention regarding the pile of whiskey bottles on your lawn. (Class it up with some vermouth and benedictine while you consider your life choices.)

Pisces, this week you decide that money and career are not that important. Given that you have neither, this is a deeply satisfying conclusion. But do think about your living arrangements and sustenance; you need minimal necessities, and your J&B, Crown Royal, and Southern Comfort won’t just come out of the ether.

ASTROLIQUOR for October 26 to November 1—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’re back to your pissed-off self, and some poor sap is irritating you. He/she isn’t even doing anything! It’s all you, Aries, so get your anger management on. Mellow out with some apple brandy or rum. Call a Capricorn friend to chat (don’t yell). Buy a small present for someone. Whatever you do, stay away from rowdy bars; you don’t need any more stitches.

Taurus, you’ll have a three-way with a married couple on your next holiday, a moral lapse preceded this week by an unfortunate mixture of Jagermeister, Monster, Sunny D, and root beer. This combo makes you lose your mind and throw away all your discretion, paving the way for a holiday orgy so publicly lewd that you’ll never live it down. Nice going.

You’re preoccupied with mating this week, Gemini, and love is optional. Another Gemini grabs your attention, but you don’t have much luck with same-sign hook-ups. This one’s no exception; it will fizzle quickly, leaving your mind abuzz with prickly resentment. Nothing helps this problem more than Wild Turkey with Drambuie.

Cancer, your calendar feels packed, but is your problem a full dance card or just disorganization? If you take a look you’ll realize you’re not planning properly. You’re saying yes to every trivial thing that comes up and letting people waste your time. No wonder you have no time to get loaded. Take time out for a luxury Champagne this week and tell everyone to get stuffed.

Leo, the stars are vaguely predicting an enriching experience for you…say, sometime in the next three weeks. Expect to become more attuned—not just to your five senses but to the paranormal. The portal to enlightenment is, perhaps predictably, Blue Curacao with Malibu. Although you’ll perceive all kinds of crazy shit this week, your mental state is surprisingly healthy.

Melon liqueur, white creme de cacao, and milk. Your mixology continues to reveal a slight mental imbalance, Virgo. Consider hitting the psychiatrist’s couch, taking up yoga, or getting on a plane to Tibet. Or maybe just go and observe the People of Walmart. They won’t harm you and they’ll probably go out for drinks with you. Open your mind.

Libra, the stars like you this week. You have a lot of influence over people, which increases your social sphere. Ties with your partner are strong, with Thursday your best day for communication. Your power week takes you to the heights and then drops you like a rock. You descend into a binge featuring red wine and vodka—combined. Yikes, the stars are mean.

Someone is pressuring you, Scorpio, but you don’t have to give in. Did you give in when they told you not to make a big vat of white rum, tequila, peach schnapps, triple sec, and Bacardi 151? Did you give in when they said you couldn’t have that big vat in the office lunchroom? Did you give in when they said you couldn’t sleep beside the photocopier? Hell, no.

Sagittarius, your work is in the doldrums and you don’t know why. (It’s boring.) Your brain checks out of meetings, pondering cocktail onions and the comparative merits of sweet and dry vermouth. Perhaps you should talk to your colleagues. They might be able to make your days more interesting, or at least recommend a good gin for your flask.

You’ll have a drastic change of opinion about a work project, Capricorn. You’re horrified at how sluggish your pace has been, the slackers who surround you, and the dried vomit in your third drawer down. This is what happens when you do the unthinkable, Capricorn. You’ve dried out, and the world looks ugly. But at least you can be the DD for your friends.

Aquarius, there’s no use freaking out at coworkers, even if one of them is trying to destroy you. Half the time they’re just as messed up as you—riding the highs and lows between gin-and-tonics and Red Bull. Level out your brain chemicals with some solid food. If you hold it together for the work week, Sunday won’t let you down. But keep your eyes trained at work for that backstabber!

Pisces, a not-unexpected meeting occurs this week. It’s one of those dreadful interventions in which your most beloved relatives and friends tell you what a douche you are. They’ve made a big gathering of it; they’ve got hors d’oeuvres and somebody’s carved pineapples and bananas into special shapes. Your head hurts from this outpouring of love and self-righteousness. But it’s better than that time you spent a night in jail after pissing against a wall.

ASTROLIQUOR for October 19-25—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, friends seek you out this week for physical and mental help. Be careful not to overtax yourself; your reserves of both are limited. Who will help you when you’ve strained every muscle and lost your mind? Maybe a Libra, but then again maybe not. Most likely you’ll dive into the gin, civilizing your bender with Cointreau, Campari, and bitters over ice. Your stomach and bowels will not like this!

Taurus, you are gradually establishing your goals and learning about your own nature. Weeks of introspection and self-analysis are teaching you who you really are. We astrologers like to call this “narcissism.” Enjoy it until December, when work issues pull you out of your navel-gazing. Do not buy a new cellphone! You need that money for vodka, peach schnapps, melon liqueur, and raspberry liqueur.

You’re talented at dodging unpleasant tasks, Gemini, but this week the stars effectively clamp a toilet brush in your hand. Get to work so you can be done quickly. Mindless jobs are a great opportunity to think, and afterwards you can have a cookie (or liquid facsimile):

  • 2 oz Bailey’s
  • 2 oz butterscotch liqueur
  • 2 oz cinnamon schnapps

Cancer, your natural cheer is misconstrued by a horny friend. As fun as this sounds, it will not end well if you pursue it. By December your horny friend will show actual horns, and you may need a restraining order. OMG! Flirting is so much fun; how can you restrain yourself? You’re just too charming, and you have the self-control of a chimp. You need other measures. Start by eschewing showers for a while. Load up on amaretto and peach schnapps. Lose your toothbrush indefinitely. That should chase away your friend before any of this shit goes down.

Leo, you face an age-old conflict between mind and emotions that will carry on through January. You’ll become tiresome telling  friends about this amazing hemispheric brain schism that prevents you from exercising common sense and allows you to behave like a douchebag. You waste piles of money on therapy. Does your therapist know your brain cells are marinating in triple sec? You should mention it.

The stars call for a charmed week, Virgo. Big problems will seem negligible, and small problems will vanish. You’ll sort out past issues and ponder intellectual matters. So confident are you that you become overly acquisitive, straining your bank account. Do you need a new leather couch? You could just purchase a bottle of Stolichnaya and still get that rush from hitting the “buy” button.

Libra, you feel shy this week, which makes you seem sensitive. This attracts people to you, which makes you more self-conscious. Your gut instinct is to hide at home drinking creme de menthe, but it’s a mistake—your carpet can’t take any more green barf. Go out with some friends. They like you, they really like you.

Your feelings fluctuate this week, Scorpio, and friends wonder about you. A paranoid Scorpio with a Cointreau-pickled brain is not a thing to mess with. Someone tells you a secret. You start to think they think you’ll divulge it. You think they’re going to hurt you for divulging it. Freaky stuff, Scorpio, get a grip! Your friend knows you won’t tell. That’s why he/she told you.

Sagittarius, your thoughts continue in a futuristic vein, with November looking promising. Try to interview for jobs on either the 10th or the 25th so you can be sure to nail something. In between you can break out the Grey Goose all day long. Your liver is surprisingly robust this month, so make it work!

Your sensitivity skyrockets this week, Capricorn. Who’s talking about you?! Who’s talking about your partner?! Do they like you? Do they hate you? Your brain overloads with paranoid thoughts. This sort of synaptic noise is the bane of our society. Lashings of whiskey with Grand Marnier should take care of it.

Aquarius, you have a power week ahead as long as you involve other people and resist being a cowboy. Privately and professionally you’ll make gains, although you’ll forget to hit the gym. The stars encourage you to frequent bars; you’ll meet nice people who’ll buy rounds of lemony cocktails.

Pisces, you have a brawl with a colleague this week over something you said. Tactfully, he/she tries to clarify, and you throw a punch! Wow, Pisces, way to get a holiday! You’ll have a lovely week at home in bed, alternating between strawberry cream liqueur and sambuca, and drinking wine when you need to rehydrate. This is what you’ve always wanted.