My Fellow Inebriates,

Tonight’s the big night, and whether we have the faith my friend Scarybear has in Santa or we’re just maintaining an elaborate and costly ruse that will one day shatter our pre-tweens’ faith in us, most of us are leaving a treat out for the big guy.

So what’s on the snack menu?

Why Santa Has a Naughty List

• 1 oz gin
• 1 oz amaretto
• 1 oz banana liqueur
• ½ oz grenadine
• Sprite to taste

Add gin and amaretto to an ice-filled Collins glass. Add sprite, then grenadine, then banana liqueur.

Grade: B-

Overly sweet; let’s hope Santa has his insulin with him when he knocks this back. The elves might like it, but it might cause too many pee breaks for their boss’s liking.

Black Santa

• 1.5 oz vodka
• ¾ oz coffee liqueur
• ¼ oz mint schnapps

Mix with ice, then strain into a martini glass.

Grade: B

Nice balance between the coffee and mint with a vodka kick laying the foundation. The only downside is it won’t stay cold for Santa.

Candy Cane Cocktail

• 1 oz vanilla rum
• 1 oz Godiva white chocolate liqueur
• 1 oz peppermint schnapps
• Candy cane garnish

Shake the booze in a cocktail shaker with ice, then strain into a glass. Garnish with a candy cane.

Grade: B+

Yummy, with candy on the side for the under-aged elves. On the negative side, it won’t stay cold, but on the plus, it’s so delicious it doesn’t matter.

Sugar Cookie Jell-O Shots

• 8 oz Bailey’s
• 4 oz butterscotch liqueur
• 2 oz Cointreau
• A bunch of other stuff

Grade: B

Even more yummy, but requires prep—too much prep time, planning and ingredients, all of which defeat this furry alcoholic. Worth it if your mum will do the work. On another note, the kids might consume it by mistake and—voila—easy bedtime, parents.

Six-pack

Grade: B+

Plus: You can put out a cooler for Santa by the stockings and leave him some nice, cold brews. Minus: Santa’s leftovers look a bit seedy the next day when the kids wake up.