mixology

ASTROLIQUOR for September 28 to October 4—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’ve managed to clear up that misunderstanding with your boss, but you still need to keep a low profile. Think odorless flask-fillers such as vodka. Get brownie points wherever you can; you need douchebag coworkers on your side next time there’s a “restructuring.” This weekend you’ll meet a Dutch couple interested in swinging with you. Give it some thought.

Taurus, self-pity has you in its grip. You feel lonely and inferior, neurotic and compulsive. The famous Taurus sweet tooth hits with a vengeance, and you find yourself blending seven scoops of ice cream with chocolate syrup, whipping cream, pecans, and a banana. OMG, Taurus, what are you doing? For goodness sake! Where’s the alcohol in this recipe??

Gemini, shake off the Malibu and take a shower. Getting rid of that stale coconut funk will make you feel more self-confident and attractive—get ready to trawl for new romance! But beware: the stars are calling for a bar fight, triggered by something next-to-insignificant. The stars also think you should read books other than bartending guides. Snobby stars. Like they’ve ever read a book.

You experience a creative uptick, Cancer; music, art, and drama all interest you very much this week, and with your improving financial situation you should indulge this new dilettantism. To avoid mediocrity, purchase a 26er of Jack Daniels. This will keep you out of the artistic “mid-range” and either plunge you into a Hemingway-like nadir or amp you toward a Mozart-style zenith. Or both.

Leo, you labor under the delusion that you need very little sleep. Not so, my drifting-toward-the-center-line reader. You need good ZZZZs, and they need to be well timed so you’ll be 100% sober for the morning commute. Try hitting the bottle immediately after work. If you can be gooned by 8:00 or so, you’ll have enough time to throw up, drink some water and get a good eight hours’ sleep. Don’t believe the stars? Here’s your recipe:

  • 2 oz vodka
  • 2 oz white rum
  • 2 oz melon liqueur
  • 2 oz Southern Comfort
  • Some cranberry juice or whatever

Idealistic notions beset you this week, Virgo. You want to change the world, but first you have to get your own house in order. If you have grudges, confront and forgive the offenders. Have a proper conversation without someone who strikes you as shallow—see if you’re wrong. Get rid of outdated belongings that weigh you down. Buy Goldschlager and stare blissfully at its golden flakes. Ahhhh, enlightenment.

Libra, the stars say stock market this week. If you’ve had your eye on some stock but hesitated, now’s the time to leap. But not while ripped out of your head! You need to watch your investment and know when to get out. You mustn’t, for instance, go large and then have a three week beer-and-rum bender, leaving the Nasdaq to its own devices. On another note, you’ll be annoyed by a Sagittarius this week.

Expect a hot liaison this week, Scorpio. With only one thing on your respective minds, the encounter will be intense. Moreover, it will clear your head, leading to a power week at work. Scorpios are good at flipping the paradigm, and this week you abandon cyber-networking in favor of personal contact. Even if it’s just because you spilled rum all over your keyboard…

Sagittarius, seek out some unusual people this week. Why not invite them over on Saturday? Chances are, if you bring the Tanqueray, they’ll bring the Yukon Jack. Put it in your biggest punch bowl (it will taste a little bit like Pine-Sol) and get to know each other. Regale them with your life story, and maybe they’ll tell you what it’s like to get escorted out of Walmart.

Avoid anything that qualifies as long-term this week, Capricorn. Mortgages, loans, wedding dates—all are jinxed until next week. That “frenemy” of yours is still lurking, waiting to sabotage your plans. Holy crap, this person has been a nuisance lately. Is there no amount of Captain Morgan that can effect a reconciliation?

Aquarius, the stars are calling you to work this week. Yes indeed, you are the Designated Driver, so power back that coffee and be ready to assist all your noodle-headed, drunken friends. You will get vomit on your shoes, in your car, on your couch. You’ll have a horny Libra all over you—hands off, Aquarius, if it’s meant to be it’ll happen after your friend has slept it off. Be an extra-good friend and proffer some aspirin.

Pisces, you probably can’t read this because your computer is f*#%ing up again. It says you should stop trying to fix your own computer and hire an expert. It says that computer viruses and worms invariably come from downloading free porn and that a vodka martini is intriguing when you substitute Irish whisky for the vermouth.

ASTROLIQUOR for September 21-27—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, for a change your ideas are in sync with those of your colleagues. This is an excellent time to boss them around. It’s also a good time to renegotiate financial matters, but make sure you state your case plainly. Don’t be afraid to lay on a sob story if you need to. Your vulnerability makes you charming this week! So fill up on rum and triple sec before you meet your banker, and things will go great.

Taurus, you have a smooth week ahead—perfect for coasting. Hang with some friends, read a good book, or see a movie. Have a martini party with that new Islay gin that my parents have refused to buy me. Don’t scrub the sink or clean any toilets; those tasks will kill your buzz. Avoid mess by barfing outside if you need to, and if you’re inside, try to aim properly.

Gemini, even if you don’t take the initiative, a drinking buddy will probably give you a call, inviting you to lunch. At first you’ll think it’s a debt collector and be all like I don’t know what you’re talking about; that person doesn’t live here. But then you’ll shake off last night’s vodka buzz and realize: this friend is awesome! Have a Midori Melon liquid lunch together.

Avoid all kinds of conversation this week, Cancer. No one’s telling you what you want to hear, and the basic subject matter is boring. This goes double for work-related interactions, so call in sick and hole up with a big-ass tequila bottle. Commune with no one except via email. Until this antisocial phase passes, the only pal you need is José Cuervo.

Leo, parts of your job description are downright unappealing. You want to skip them entirely, but if you do, your boss will rain holy shit on you. You could seek comfort in knowing that most people spend their lives doing unsuitable jobs that don’t engage their interests. Or you could just go to work drunk. Brain cells handle filing and mail-sorting best when they’re saturated with rum.

Get ready to meet a special person, Virgo. Not a love interest, so pull your pants up, but a new, super-durable friend who’ll like you for you no matter how much Kahlua’s sloshing around your head. So make yourself available—answer emails, texts, the phone even, because you don’t want to miss out on this new friendship. Oh yeah, and this is a good week to gamble with substantial sums of money too.

Libra, the stars say socialize. You’ll meet cool people this week—just not partner material. That’s okay, though…you have some bad habits to kick before you start scoping for a mate. For instance, you need to stop drinking Bud Light. Libras are supposed to have good taste, friend. The only night you should remain inside is Thursday (shit-faced Thursday, as your local pub calls it). Avoid that bar fight!

Resisting your spiritual side has produced an unfortunate side effect, Scorpio: a defensive wall around you that thwarts new friendships. Not everything is baloney, Scorpio—just most of it. Keen insights await you if you open the neuronal floodgates with some Jamaican dark rum. The more you drink, the more wonderful other people seem, as long as you don’t drink with assholes.

Sagittarius, it’s time to bear down and finish some projects. Even if they don’t end up too pretty, at least they’ll be done, and then you can enjoy Happy Hour. Your industrious phase will last through December, when you can relax and have Happy Days rather than just Happy Hours—not just one Grey Goose martini but ten. Start working!

Your star chart is crazy this week, Capricorn. What the hell those constellations mean, you’d have to ask a better astrologer. To me they say “Plymouth Gin.” Don’t let people con you into doing their work this week. You’ll thank yourself in December when the shit hits the fan at work and those people get blamed for that particular work being unfinished. Have a nice flirtation instead, or maybe just drink gin at work while your coworkers scamper around working.

Aquarius, you get the urge to run away from the mundane toward something novel. Do it! But remember that your ordinary world will continue to turn. All kinds of shit could go wrong in your absence if you don’t delegate before you run. Luckily the stars are furnishing you with charisma this week; people will fall over themselves to obey you. Your drink is equal parts amaretto, cream de cacao, and cream. Ahhh! Delegation indeed.

Pisces, don’t be coerced into taking on undesirable work. Be strong on this point, even if a colleague attacks you personally—even if someone blackmails you with the empty rum-bottle collection at the back of your desk. People at work can be dickheads, so watch your back! Either clean up those empties or start sharing your booze, or you’ll spend the week fending off attacks.

ASTROLIQUOR for September 14-20—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, one of your peeps is jealous of you. Whether it’s your liquor cabinet, your life partner, or the way you sleep in all day, that envy will come to a boil this week. When you ease off the Malibu and realize your ex-chum is bad-mouthing you, you’re gonna freak. And Aries…as usual there is a bar fight in the offing. Don’t let it happen! Stay inside! Close the drapes! Drink more Malibu!

Taurus, your house is looking shabby. That couch you thought was so wicked cool way back when…those pastel walls…that shaggy carpet. It’s all been barfed on one too many times, and it’s rum-and-stomach-acid odour is so rank that not even your Jehovah’s Witness visitors care to stay and chat. Find a friend with good judgment, who’s not pissed on rum, to help you redecorate.

Not only are you a little psychologically uneven these days, Gemini, you’re bored. Time to find some excitement, and the stars are pointing either toward the bar scene or…the health club. (Sometimes the stars just like to hedge their bets.) The choice is a no-brainer—get yourself to the nearest pub and order a row of tequila shots. Behave obnoxiously until you’re no longer bored.

The stars call for heavy socializing this week, Cancer. You might even add to your friend list if you open your mind. Hell, why not open your booze shelves to the neighborhood and have a house-wrecker party? Open the door and scream, “Vanilla vodka!” and see if anyone comes running. Whoever does might end up sleeping in your bathtub, especially on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.

Leo, you’ll meet someone with an unusual accent. Try not to be a douche. You sound pretty funny yourself when you’re burping up blackberry liqueur and rum. This is the opportunity to start a new friendship—possibly featuring a leather thong. Enjoy it until December when planet Mars goes apeshit in your relationship house and one of you takes out a restraining order. The good news is that a friend with flesh-eating disease is going to be okay.

Friendships become increasingly precious as we age, Virgo. Why not get in touch with an old friend or two? Especially if you severed contact suddenly or on bad terms, now’s the time to reconnect. For instance, what about your ex? The best approach is to fill up on a half-decent blended whiskey…say, six ounces with some soda and bitters…then pick up the phone. Yeah, do it!

Libra, if you’re in a helping profession, you can expect a great week. Everyone is so happy to see you; there’s not enough of you to go around. Perhaps you’re doing your job too well. After all, if your job description includes changing adult diapers, you don’t want to be too popular. Try incorporating gin and creme de menthe into your work day; it should help you avoid being specially requested.

Sometimes coworkers can be so critical, Scorpio, especially the ones who are gunning for you right now. Take a deep breath and ignore them. What are they going to do, report you? They don’t even have justification, do they? Doesn’t everyone (besides you) arrive at work with a Thermos of Purple Honker (yes! equal parts strawberry liqueur and Maui Blue Hawaiian schnapps with or without 7-up)? Don’t worry that your nitpicky colleagues might get you fired; you’ll win something next week.

Sagittarius, Irish whisky is the thief of time. You know you have a project begging your attention, and yet it’s so awesome to combine three parts Bushmill’s with two parts Bailey’s over ice in an old-fashioned glass. (Okay, so the stars are saying you need to tackle your project, that it will be rewarding, etc. But the stars are very far away.)

You don’t usually talk about your sexy time, Capricorn. But given enough dark rum, you’ll express all kinds of random preferences…Which will work out for you this week if you cross paths with an adventurous Virgo. Who knows what you’ll get up to…it will be very quick and messy though. Others will frown on it. Give them some dark rum and they will understand.

Aquarius, what is your job? Like, what do you do? Is it what you always thought you’d do? Usually it isn’t. And this week you realize you haven’t been following your heart. You won’t have time over the next three months to really figure this out, but that’s okay because you’ll have too much Goldschlager in your system to act on your conclusions. Yes, you can get drunk on that shit. You just need a strong stomach.

Pisces, change is on the horizon. Usually change (for you) involves a move (from home to jail, for example), the loss of routine (your job), or predation in the wild (other homeless people banging on your cardboard box). But this time it’s different. Your life is on a big uptick, Pisces! You have new maturity and new perspective, and Saturday may even introduce a new romantic interest. Yay! If only you had some booze, but the stars are saying no this week. Stupid stars.