malibu

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 30-Jan. 5—What the stars say you should drink

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

This is a very special week for you, Aries, which means you’ll be off the dole soon. If you can snag a job interview this week, take it, because you are hot, hot, HOT. The only thing that could ruin it for you is a bender. That’s why I’m recommending a gin & Coca Cola combination—your gag reflex will save you from yourself. Then again, you might like it, in which case…enjoy the soaps.

Taurus, the dark times are ending. Yes, things are getting happier, but shit in your house still keeps breaking. Could it be that you are knocking it down while drunk? Try to put breakables away before you start mixing vodka and Mountain Dew. Then you won’t need to spend your booze money on repairs. Oh, and one more thing: there’s an ill-intentioned Sagittarius stalking you, so don’t lose consciousness. I’m sorry if that’s creepy, but it was in the stars.

You are focused on beautiful things this week, Gemini—sculpture, paintings, pretty clothes. Don’t forget beautiful drinks! Here’s the perfect recipe for something pink and lovely:

  • 1 oz white rum
  • 1 oz vodka
  • 1 oz gin
  • 0.5 oz Grand Marnier
  • Splashes of cranberry or tropical juice

Shake with ice, then pour into an old-fashioned glass and garnish with a cherry. Beautiful to look at! But you won’t look so hot after half a dozen.

Cancer, you’ll encounter a stranger this week who turns out to be more familiar than you thought. A friend of a friend perhaps, or maybe an old school buddy from long ago. You’ll bond strongly over Jack Daniel’s. Be careful, though, and establish some facts before you start slurping it off each other. This person could be your cousin. Oh, snap!

Wish I could predict a torrid affair for you or at least some small intrigue, but it’s a “nothing” week, Leo, which is probably good for you and certainly good for the police. Whatever stimulation you need is up to you! Make sure you have a nice bottle of wine to keep you company or—if you’re bored out of your mind—a big bottle of Smirnoff.

You’re feeling young, Virgo, maybe even ten or twenty years younger than your actual age. Act quickly before self-consciousness intrudes, and install yourself at the trendiest bar you can find. Order embarrassing drinks and spread the love. I see you covered in whipped cream with people pointing and laughing behind you. YEAH! Here’s a good drink for second childhood:

  • 1.5 oz creme de cacao
  • 0.5 oz banana liqueur
  • 0.5 oz coconut cream
  • 3 oz cream

If you are seriously old and on heart meds, forgo the cream and order milk. You’ll still manage to embarrass yourself.

This is the time to negotiate all things financial, Libra, at least until the end of the week. Then it’s time to contact old friends. Remember you need to phone or visit people once in a while—phone sex doesn’t a full life make. Tell your friends you’ll give them special coffee if they come over, then load them up with cherry brandy. They might not have sex with you, but at least you’ll use up all that languishing Kirschwasser.

Your psychological problems are becoming more public, Scorpio. Try talking to a professional about stuff that’s bothering you. If that person turns out to be an idiot, trust the bottle instead—but only something strong will do. Dial back your angst with equal parts tequila, Jagermeister and peppermint schnapps. If that combo doesn’t cure you, it’ll spur a psychotic break, and sometimes those are cathartic.

Sagittarius, your problems seem very big, but if you read the news you’ll realize they are minuscule. Am I lecturing you? Yes, because the stars tell me you’ll be stalking a Taurus this week. Stop that! Adventures are good, but only when your special friends are willing. Here’s some preemptive punishment: Cointreau-and-cognac shots! Do lots of them so you’ll stay at home and avoid being a nuisance.

You’ve been doing too much pretending, Capricorn. You barely know yourself any more, and people are starting to think you’re a douche. Part of the problem is your pretentiousness about wine and whiskey. If you adhere to very high-quality alcohol, your tastebuds become spoiled. Reset your tastes with something bizarre before you become intolerable. Here’s your prescription:

  • 3 oz watermelon vodka
  • 3 oz watermelon rum
  • 2 oz apple schnapps
  • 2 oz berry schnapps
  • 2 oz watermelon schnapps
  • Gingerale to taste (I recommend “none”)

Shake it up and down it. After that, any wine is gonna taste awesome.

Aquarius, that thing you’ve been working on, that you’ve poured your heart into, that thing you’ve sweat blood for—well, your boss thinks it sucks. Drown your sorrows with some nice Russian vodka. A vodka bottle will never call you a loser. A vodka bottle is your friend. All the bottles are your friends.

Pisces, this week features an erotic attraction to two or three people, maybe all at once. Obviously liquor will be needed to manifest this idea properly. Malibu should do the trick, with lashings of melon, banana and cherry liqueur. With all those flavors flying around, the whole gang will be happy, and at least some of you should score.

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 23-29

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

It’s time to do all the chores you’ve been neglecting, Aries, which means cleaning up all the rum. What a mess a liquor cabinet becomes when it contains too many partially used bottles. Get drinking and finish some off. Sure, it’s early, but it’s also the holiday season, so you can do whatever you want. Oh yeah, and you’re going to lose a crapload of money gambling this week. Try to spend your casino money on white rum.

Taurus, you need to make a crazy party punch full of all kinds of fruits and juices AND—don’t forget this part—a gallon each of Everclear, Smirnoff and Sailor Jerry’s. Throw some triple sec in for character and you’re ready for the holidays. Sounds like a big quantity? Not really—you just have to start at breakfast. BTW, you are going to run out of money making this, and there won’t be any more until February.

You’ve been drunk for a long time, Gemini. So drunk that one morning you wake up and can’t recognize anybody. This is a great thing—an invaluable opportunity to reinvent yourself. And the best way to do that is to make new friends at the bar. Try buying them Smirnoff & Midori melon drinks.

Get your affairs in order, Cancer, so you can relax. Once you take care of business, you can turn your attention to making bizarre drinks for yourself and whatever weirdos you pick up around town. Here’s a good one: 4 cups lager + 1 cup sherry…with melon balls thrown into it, floating around. Yum, right?

I see a bar fight for you this week, Leo, featuring an angry Aquarius. Don’t worry; you’ll have a threesome with a Taurus and a Capricorn later in the week. Give yourself a preemptive spank with this creation:

  • 1.5 oz banana schnapps
  • 1.5 oz vanilla vodka
  • 1 oz Bacardi 151

Don’t eat too much this week, Virgo. Why eat when you can sustain yourself with tequila? If the room starts to spin, go out for a nice walk. All sorts of people will laugh at you as you stagger along. Think of it as holiday spirit, not ridicule because you forgot to put on pants.

Libra, there are some voices in your head telling you to do hectic, seasonal things like cook a turkey. Don’t listen to them! You have drinks to mix, and if you consume enough of them, you’ll be off the hook for cooking duty. Here’s a drink recipe to start:

  • 1 cup sweet-and-sour mix
  • 3 oz melon liqueur
  • 2 oz Blue Curacao
  • 2 oz amaretto
  • 2 oz raspberry vodka
  • Lots of ice

Yes, it’s a big quantity, but you can do it.

People are starting to bore you, Scorpio. This is compounded by the fact that you’ve pulled Designated Driver duty this week. Take it seriously and abstain while you’re out, but once you’ve dropped your boring friends off, hit the vodka (with Jagermeister and Goldschlager of course).

Sagittarius, everything feels like it’s against you, but try to remember it’s been worse before. Ride out this depressive episode in bed with a tumbler of Irish whiskey beside you.

You are being watched, Capricorn. You’re not imagining it, and the watcher is a Scorpio. Don’t ignore this seemingly creepy person; he/she may have something useful for you, whether it be a job or casual sex. Your drink is amaretto—put it in everything.

You’re changing mentally, Aquarius, and not necessarily for the best. People around you are noticing and wondering whether you’re in some sort of destructive spiral. They wonder if it will be like a road accident to watch, or whether you’ll give them a laugh on your downward trajectory. Since no sort of psychological implosion is complete without alcohol, here’s a colorful recipe:

  • 3 oz lemon vodka
  • 2 oz melon liqueur
  • 1 oz Blue Curacao
  • 1 oz lemon or lime juice
  • 2 oz sweet-and-sour mix

Blend it up with ice. Never mind other people.

Pisces, you’re getting annoyed at others’ shirking of responsibilities. Clearly, you are too sober. If you had sufficient alcohol levels, you wouldn’t care whether your coworkers were working or whether the kid at Starbucks knows how to make a latte. Get on the festive train and stop pissing on everybody’s parade. Vodka martinis for you ASAP.

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 16-22: What the stars say you should drink

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

This week sucks for you, Aries, but you’ll have to accept the mantle of Designated Driver. Even when you go out with friends who promise to be DD, they will let you down. So it’s fruit juice for you when you’re out, but make sure you have a nice bottle of wine for yourself when you’ve discharged your driving duties.

Taurus, your relationships with people are going to take a beating this week. Don’t hit the unfriend button yet; they’re only being temporary douchebags. For now, stay away from people and drink alone. You can do a lot of things with Skyy melon vodka, and there’s more left for you if you take the antisocial road. Try mixing it with 7-Up, sweet-and-sour mix, and a squeeze of lemon.

You had money coming a couple of weeks ago, but now you’ve spent it and things are a bit worrisome, Gemini. You’re going to be bumming drinks until the end of February. Stretch your vodka and gin by adding juice, crushed ice, sugar—whatever gives you more sipping time. It’s a drag to be busted, so make sure you don’t buy anything more expensive than Smirnoff.

Cancer, you’ve been ignoring your family and your ass is spreading all over your chair from spending 12 hours a day on the Internet. Try getting so drunk that you can’t read anything at all. It’ll be refreshing for you, and nice for your family to see you reeling around again. The best shortcut to inebriation: Southern Comfort with a touch of tonic and lime.

Stop rushing around, Leo, it’s stressing you out and it’s not very efficient in the end. The world will go on whether you are sober or drunk, so get plastered with a case of beer.

If you planned your days better, Virgo, you’d have more “you” time. Haha, just kidding, you have lots of “you” time. I see you spending it with a bottle of Bacardi 151 and some tabasco.

You often wait for people to call or email you, Libra, but it’s time for you to take some initiative. Find some people at the supermarket and invite them over. Make them Bailey’s-and-rum shots. If they ask you who the hell you are, invite them to rub lotion on you.

You’ll hear from an old friend you’ve been out of touch with, Scorpio. This easy-to-please pal will forget any ways you’ve been a jerk and happily go to work mixing drinks with you. But let’s face it, it’s awkward falling back into conversation with old friends, so you should fast-track getting wasted. Here’s a delightful recipe that will occupy you both so those uncomfortable silences don’t intrude on your reunion.

  • 3 oz gin
  • 1.5 oz Southern Comfort
  • 1 oz lemon liqueur
  • 1 oz peach liqueur
  • 1 oz lemon juice
  • 1 oz simple syrup
  • 1 oz peach juice (where the hell do you get that? ask your friend to bring it)

Sagittarius, it’s time to paint the house, literally. You have to choose your colors wisely, though, so make your trip to Benjamin Moore before you throw this wicked recipe together:

  • 3 oz tequila
  • 2 oz Malibu
  • 2 oz mango-flavored vodka
  • 2 oz pineapple liqueur
  • 1 oz Grand Marnier
  • Hawaiian Punch to taste (I’m using “none”)

Another good reason to do your paint shopping first: you don’t want to be an asshole and drive after consuming this.

Take the plunge this week, Capricorn. Regardless of what it is, go big or go home. Plug in appliances without reading the manual; book a vacation without reading the fine print; and make awesome drinks like this one:

  • 1 oz sloe gin
  • 1 oz advocaat
  • 1 oz cherry brandy

Layer all three kinds of booze into shot glasses. He who hesitates is lost—pound them.

It’s not a good week for you to go outside, Aquarius, because the stars are predicting your bike will get stolen or wrecked. Obviously transportation and drinking don’t mix, so you’ll wisely stay home to drown your sorrows. Here’s your beverage:

  • Equal parts gin, vodka, pineapple juice and orange soda
  • Splash of grenadine and a brandy to taste

After you’ve had six or so, someone important will phone you—probably offering you a coveted job or opportunity. You’ll be too shitfaced to articulate an answer.

Pisces, just because you don’t have money, you shouldn’t stop spending. Every drink bought for an acquaintance is a chance at networking. Pretty soon you’ll be out of the job you hate and into one of those cushy (mythical?)  liquid-lunch office jobs. Stick with vodka so the odor doesn’t betray how loaded you are.