liquor

Dear Santa…

Open letter to Santa Claus:

Dear Santa,

I know you are very busy making dreams come true for westernized children all over the world, stimulating the economy and driving stressed-out parents to drink. That’s cool. I just wanted you to know that there are very few things in my liquor cabinet right now. The cupboard is bare, Santa, and I’m hoping you will come through for me.

Here’s my current inventory, if you haven’t been following me:

  • Bacardi Big Apple Rum—8 oz or so
  • Malibu—maybe 3 oz
  • Cusano Rojo Mezcal—2 oz, worm definitely dead
  • El Senorio Mezcal—4 oz, never opened, worm still hanging out in there
  • Appleton Estate Rum—2 oz

So that’s not very good, right? How can I mix myself a Green Man or a Snowglobe or a Naughty Monkey without some core ingredients? I know you understand because you have a very red nose—the kind that’s bursting with blood vessels from years of imbibing excess. You feel me, right? You get my needs?

Okay, Santa, so here’s what I’d like:

  • Bacardi white rum
  • Bacardi 151
  • Blackberry brandy
  • Strawberry liqueur
  • Banana liqueur
  • Hypnotiq (or more Malibu if you can’t find Hypnotiq)

That will take care of Christmas morning. In the afternoon I’d like (please):

  • Pernod
  • Champagne
  • Melon liqueur
  • Bailey’s
  • Crown Royal
  • Amaretto liqueur

Okay. That covers most of Christmas day. Then there’ll be a big song-and-dance about making dinner and I’ll disappear for a while for a nap. I might skulk to the table if there’s wine (would you bring some chardonnay and pinot gris please?) but won’t really need anything until later, and then…

  • Peppermint schnapps
  • Goldschlager – yeah!!!

I realize this doesn’t really stock a liquor cabinet; a lot of these are specialty items that don’t figure in everyone’s everyday drinking. But I think it’s a travesty that my parents won’t keep these things on hand. Sure, they can be relied upon to buy a bottle of wine or a six-pack of beer once in a while, but they are hopeless about setting up a bar. So maybe you can come through for me, Santa, and bring a few bottles. That is, if you are not too laden down with toys for the kids here (and really, they don’t need anything much, and what you do bring them could be very small and space-efficient, if you get my drift).

Also, if you wanted to bring these things early, for Hanukkah rather than Christmas, that would be great. That way you’d have lots of room in your sleigh and you could get some driving practice before Christmas Eve, so it would be very win-win for us. I celebrate every holiday to excess and believe that liquor has a place at each and every one.

I always believed in you Santa—don’t forget, okay?

 

ASTROLIQUOR for Nov. 25-Dec. 2

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

My advice to you, Aries, is to lie back and take it easy. Try a new combination such as this:

  • 3 oz tequila
  • 3 oz vodka
  • 5 oz peach schnapps
  • 2.5 cups orange juice

Wake up, call in sick, mix this up in a pitcher and sip it all day.

Taurus, you’ve been thinking about improving your mind. But self-improvement takes a lot of time—time best spent on drinking. Thoughts of self-improvement are pernicious. Keep them in check with this:

  • 2 oz brandy
  • 1 tsp pineapple juice
  • 1 tsp lemon juice
  • 0.5 tsp cherry liqueur
  • Dash bitters

There’s a party somewhere this week, Gemini. But your mind is in a thousand places, so you might forget about it—maybe because you start every day with cognac in your coffee. Don’t worry if you miss someone’s birthday; everyone forgives a drunk.

You are suffocating in your house, Cancer! You need to free your mind and body. Get a big 2L bottle of Fresca, dump half of it and replace it with whiskey. Face the weather, cold or hot, and reel around the neighborhood in your underwear with your big bottle.

This is still a good time to blow your paycheck on booze, Leo. You’re feeling happy and at ease, everybody loves you, and you’re making useful contacts. Buy everyone a Monkey F#ck:

  • 0.5 oz rum
  • 0.5 oz banana liqueur
  • 0.5 oz coffee liqueur
  • 1 tsp half-and-half cream

 

A lot of people think they can count on you, Virgo, but that probably won’t be true if you continue combining apple cider and whiskey at work. Try to make friends with a nice, forgiving Cancer, then you can keep on drinking.

Everything’s going like clockwork, Libra, but you still have a bar fight in your future. Read my Smirnoff review for a cautionary tale about house-wreaking. Don’t let it stop you, though! I recommend mixing your Smirnoff with gingerale to take the edge off. Good luck.

You try to make people think that you’re exercising and working hard, Scorpio, but you’re really making other people do your shit for you. Suckers! Lie back with some Southern Comfort and amaretto liqueur; add pineapple juice if that mixture has too much bite. Keep laughing at other people; sometimes they deserve it.

Sagittarius, you will never find a mate if you keep gargling orange juice and Kahlua together. Clean yourself up and find a drink that won’t curdle in your mouth. Maybe some beer. Yeah, some beer.

Keep fending off logic and rationality, Capricorn. It’s not tax season yet, so you don’t need those qualities. I see you lurching around on an applejack brandy and benedictine bender. Yeah! Maybe you’ll meet somebody in your travels.

You think you handle stress well, Aquarius, but you’re calling in sick on Mondays a whole lot. You make an imaginative shit mix, though—I like Captain Morgan for you this week with…hmmm…Coke, Sprite, Orange Crush and peppermint schnapps. Doesn’t that sound awesome? It sure won’t help you with work, though.

Pisces, you’re all worn out, and you want to throw your alarm clock across the room. Do it! Call in sick and get yourself occupied with this little mixture:

  • 1 oz Smirnoff 
  • 2 oz amaretto
  • 2 oz butterscotch liqueur
  • 2.5 oz half-and-half

You may think this is not for breakfast, but one taste will convince you otherwise. Go for it! You wouldn’t have been useful this week anyway.

AYINGERBRAU D. PILS EXTRA STRONG LAGER

I love when friends send me tasting notes, especially since I’ve been a bit melancholy because there’s nothing around for me personally to taste. After learning of Ayingerbrau I certainly want to snag some, although that might be a feat here in Canada. I also heard that this beer has been retired…anybody know anything about that? Stevie O says:

Photo: Robert Gale

The Murenger in NEWPORT, SOUTH WALES has been around since 1530. The beer served over the bar is made by the Samuel Smith Brewery who are originating from England but we don’t hold that against them. Their beer is vegan friendly. The original well at the Old Brewery, sunk in 1758, is still in use. The brewing water for the ales and stouts is drawn from 85 feet underground.

Ayingerbrau D. Pils Lager 5.90 is available over the bar and is strong tasting and refreshing. Be warned that this is a creeper and before you know it you’re trying to eat a burger whilst the police load you in the riot van 😦

I can only really vouch for the Pils but would recommend the various types they produce to everyone.

Cheers dudes 🙂 hic

 Wow!

First of all, nothing in my neighborhood has been around since 1530. There’s a big Walmart nearby where the famous People of Walmart shop, as well as Costco and Best Buy and…absolutely nothing like the Murenger. Everything here is spanky-new-till-it-falls-apart, not venerable and redolent of history. Man, Stevie O, you are one lucky dude.

Being completely ignorant of whatever Wales and England feel for each other, I just feel happy to know that beer drinking crosses all borders and boundaries. Alcohol is truly about bonding.

Are there any vegan serial killers? I only ask because I couldn’t find an actual photo of Stevie O to insert my pic into, and so I used one of Dexter Morgan instead. I used to become very anxious watching Dexter and had to stop, I think because I identified so strongly with him as just a super person but kept getting really freaked out by his sister (and then he married her, OMG). When I finished this highly realistic Photoshop project, I almost hyperventilated because I thought it was real and that I was being clutched by a dead guy whose hand must have locked around me in rigor mortis.

There’s no Ayingerbrau to be had at my booze store, so I’m relying on Stevie’s tastebuds. I love strong-tasting and refreshing beers, and I especially like creepers, although someone once called me one and I think they were using the word differently. I would like to see some pics of Stevie getting loaded into the riot van, mainly because then I would know what he actually looks like.

Wanting to be thorough I googled the beer for a few tasting notes and learned that people drink it mainly to get pissed. They describe it as chemical and metallic but nevertheless feel a deep fondness for it. Ahhh, where can I get some?