liquor

ASTROLIQUOR for Feb. 17-23—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’ll meet some very compelling people on your next holiday, Aries—and within a few drinks you’ll feel as though you’ve known them forever. But familiarity breeds contempt, and nothing makes fellow vacationers so mutually contemptuous as cleaning up each other’s barf after an orgy featuring whipped-cream-flavored Smirnoff (yes, it exists; somebody send me some).

Taurus, you are super-pissed this week. Somebody is getting on your nerves, and you’re winding up to let ’em have it. You need to step back and see how inconsequential this person is. Look deeper, and you’ll see that somebody else (perhaps somebody non-irritating) is setting you up for a fall. OMG! How will you see it coming with all that vodka in your system? Dilute it with some lemonade; that should clear things up for you.

You tend to fret about time management, Gemini, but if you fixate on the minutes, the years will actually pass you by. Instead of entering items into your calendar, book yourself a day (or several) that you can devote exclusively to drinking. But you have to shake up your routine! Get three shot glasses and fill them up with whiskey, rum, and vodka. Put them aside while you pour a pint glass two-thirds full. Now, light the shot glasses on fire. YEAH! Dump them, glasses and all, into the pint glass, then pound the whole flaming thing while there’s still head on the beer. YES! When you seek out a recovery beverage at Starbucks the next day, you will meet someone nice.

It’s difficult for you to distinguish between love and sex lately, Cancer, but you’re beginning to wonder if it matters. Your latest pursuit is a fellow Cancer who shares this confusion. This makes for hot-cold relations as you each vacillate between caring and not caring for each other. Sounds like alcohol could help! Break out the Jack and combine it with an equal portion of cognac. Whatever amount that makes, double it again with Captain Morgan. Pound it! Now you know it really doesn’t matter.

Leo, it’s time to think about becoming a regular on the psychiatrist’s couch instead of racking up more phone-sex debt. Those phone-sex workers are not trained analysts, you know. They may service a lot of fetishes but they’ve never heard of Freud. Maybe you need to seek a higher power?… Psych! It’s alcohol you need. Did you know they make vanilla vodka? It’s awesome with blueberry juice.

You’re due for an enriching experience, Virgo, but where it will come from is a mystery. It could be a chance meeting, or it could be something you orchestrate. Whichever way, you will learn something from it. Even if it’s just how to make a Hot Damn:

  • 0.5 oz rum
  • 0.5 oz vodka
  • 0.25 oz Canadian whiskey
  • 1 oz orange juice

Shake it up with ice. If you have a few of these it will relax you, and you will have a paranormal experience.

Libra, someone is trying to persuade you to do something, but you’re not ready. The power struggle will continue until late April, when everything will become clear (or your friend will become tired). Until then, you will have to rely on brandy to give you insight. Mix it with everything! Pour it on your cereal.

The stars are very specific for you, Scorpio. March will feature new opportunities, but you should pursue them on the 10th or the 25th if you want them to work out. These would be good days for job interviews or even a health check-up. This leaves all the other days in March free for drinking vodka and Mountain Dew. Isn’t it great when the stars line up?

Sagittarius, sometimes you are oversensitive, and this week you feel like a target for criticism. But is it all in your head? It’s difficult to know when your head is full of vodka and blueberry schnapps (which might actually be the source of criticism, from coworkers for instance). Still, you might just be paranoid, which is inevitable after many years of constant inebriation.

Your feelings are a little unsteady this week, Capricorn. Just like Sagittarius, you’re starting to think everything is a personal attack, when it’s really just all the rum and vodka swishing around your brain cells. Someone will tell you a juicy secret this week. It’ll be very hard to keep it, but luckily you’ll be slurring your words too badly to let it out of the bag.

Aquarius, your best day is Saturday, mainly because you’ve been fighting with a colleague at work and you could use a weekend without some douchebag in your face. Spend the weekend in bed with a bottle of wine, or get adventurous and mix a big punchbowl full of rum, gin, vodka, and Pernod. Obviously, Sunday’s gonna suck.

Pisces, you’re still employed, which is always cause for celebration. Everything is going so well for you that you’re actually getting a little soft. You’re letting down your guard and inviting weird people into your home—fun! Make them some blender drinks; weird people always love those. How about Bailey’s, bananas, ice cream, and coconut milk? Then you won’t need supper.

13 essential minerals and how to get them by drinking

My family seems possessed by grocery shopping. While our liquor supplies languish pathetically, they constantly introduce new solid foods to the house. Bran flakes, chicken broth, peanut butter, pasta, almonds—it’s like a cult of macronutrients.

Do we really need all this solid food?

In an effort to get my parents to pinch off more than a few budgetary dollars each week for alcohol, I delved into the science of nutrition. And good news, my fellow inebriates! It turns out you can get all 13 essential minerals from alcoholic drinks.

Potassium

People typically find this necessary electrolyte in foods such as bananas, tomatoes and potatoes. What about a Bloody Mary with a banana schnapps chaser? Tada!

Chlorine

Without chlorine, the stomach can’t produce acid, nor can the cells conduct their osmotic functions optimally. Put some salt around the rim of that margarita glass.

Sodium

Working in tandem with potassium, sodium is necessary to regulate adenosine triphosphate, a critical factor in intracellular energy transfer. The best way to get it is to include salt with those tequila shots.

Calcium

This workhorse mineral builds bone, supports blood cell synthesis, and is crucial for muscular, cardiovascular and digestive health. Alcoholics need even more calcium than regular people because their damaged livers have difficulty converting vitamin D to the active form necessary for absorbing calcium. This makes Bailey’s Irish Cream important.

Phosphorus

Another component of bones, phosphorus is involved in multiple bodily functions, and found in grains such as oats, wheat and rice. Sounds like beer!

Magnesium

Another mineral that works with a buddy (calcium), magnesium contributes to bone health and ATP functions. Sources include nuts and cocoa. I’m thinking crème de cacao.

Zinc

Your body needs traces of zinc to manufacture important enzymes such as liver alcohol dehydrogenase, responsible for processing alcohol. (Did you know your body makes its own continuous supply of alcohol? You need zinc to break it down.) You can find zinc in an array of foods. How about a whiskey?

Iron

Traces of iron keep anemia at bay. Guinness has famously been prescribed to maintain iron levels (and B vitamins).

Manganese

Another player in enzymatic functions, manganese turns up in many foods, notably grains such as spelt and brown rice. How about some sake?

Copper

Just a trace keeps your body happily making enzymes. Nuts, seeds and grains such as barley contain copper, making beer your metabolic best friend.

Iodine

A tiny amount prevents goiter and boosts the immune, salivary and digestive systems while conferring some antioxidant benefits. Make your daiquiri strawberry, and don’t forget to salt the rim.

Selenium

This trace mineral combats oxidative DNA damage—the sort of free-radical damage that occurs when you pummel your liver regularly. Nuts are a good source—what better excuse to dive into the macadamia nut liqueur?

Molybdenum

If you want to continue catalyzing oxygen, you need a teeny tiny trace of molybdenum. And that’s what a Bloody Caesar is for. 😉

Dear dad—buy some liquor

I sent my dad a chat message today but he didn’t answer it. Maybe he’ll check his email or Facebook or the blog—or maybe he’ll hear me crying. Or maybe not. So I’m writing him an open letter.

▪ ▪ ▪

Hi dad, I know you think I’m too drunk to pay attention but guess what—I know you changed jobs and that things are going to change at LBHQ. Have you considered upgrading our liquor budget yet?

I know running your own business has been a wild ride, but I haven’t enjoyed its feast-or-famine aspect. Whenever you and mum say you have to wait for clients to pay you before you can spend any “silly” money, I just feel misunderstood. Surely you know that liquor spending is not frivolous—that for physiologically addicted bears it is a necessity, and that the animal keening from wherever the kids abandoned him on the floor after practically ripping him a new orifice while completely oblivious to his delirium tremens is your friend LB.

So let’s get serious. The liquor cabinet is in an embarrassing state. Mere drops of Malibu remain, and medical friends have advised us not to drink the worm-polluted mescale (although I would if I could get the bottle open).

I sent you a proper list but I haven’t heard back from you. Mum gave me some very unsatisfactory answers, and even suggested that dentistry should precede a booze spree. (I thought we hated dentists.) I realize you are excited about other aspects of your new job such as getting to know your team and organizing that big project they sent you right away, but seriously, dad, have a little compassion and buy some booze.

Here’s a touching picture to help you get your empathy flowing. 

Medo the bear plays with a family dog in Slovenia. Photo: Reuters