Open letter to Santa Claus:

Dear Santa,

I know you are very busy making dreams come true for westernized children all over the world, stimulating the economy and driving stressed-out parents to drink. That’s cool. I just wanted you to know that there are very few things in my liquor cabinet right now. The cupboard is bare, Santa, and I’m hoping you will come through for me.

Here’s my current inventory, if you haven’t been following me:

• Bacardi Big Apple Rum—8 oz or so
• Malibu—maybe 3 oz
• Cusano Rojo Mezcal—2 oz, worm definitely dead
• El Senorio Mezcal—4 oz, never opened, worm still hanging out in there
• Appleton Estate Rum—2 oz

So that’s not very good, right? How can I mix myself a Green Man or a Snowglobe or a Naughty Monkey without some core ingredients? I know you understand because you have a very red nose—the kind that’s bursting with blood vessels from years of imbibing excess. You feel me, right? You get my needs?

Okay, Santa, so here’s what I’d like:

• Bacardi white rum
• Bacardi 151
• Blackberry brandy
• Strawberry liqueur
• Banana liqueur
• Hypnotiq (or more Malibu if you can’t find Hypnotiq)

That will take care of Christmas morning. In the afternoon I’d like (please):

• Pernod
• Champagne
• Melon liqueur
• Bailey’s
• Crown Royal
• Amaretto liqueur

Okay. That covers most of Christmas day. Then there’ll be a big song-and-dance about making dinner and I’ll disappear for a while for a nap. I might skulk to the table if there’s wine (would you bring some chardonnay and pinot gris please?) but won’t really need anything until later, and then…

• Peppermint schnapps
• Goldschlager – yeah!!!

I realize this doesn’t really stock a liquor cabinet; a lot of these are specialty items that don’t figure in everyone’s everyday drinking. But I think it’s a travesty that my parents won’t keep these things on hand. Sure, they can be relied upon to buy a bottle of wine or a six-pack of beer once in a while, but they are hopeless about setting up a bar. So maybe you can come through for me, Santa, and bring a few bottles. That is, if you are not too laden down with toys for the kids here (and really, they don’t need anything much, and what you do bring them could be very small and space-efficient, if you get my drift).

Also, if you wanted to bring these things early, for Hanukkah rather than Christmas, that would be great. That way you’d have lots of room in your sleigh and you could get some driving practice before Christmas Eve, so it would be very win-win for us. I celebrate every holiday to excess and believe that liquor has a place at each and every one.

I always believed in you Santa—don’t forget, okay?