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ASTROLIQUOR for March 9-15—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You got wrecked last weekend, Aries, and you have similar plans for the one coming up. What starts on Friday may well continue into Monday. Phone your boss now and secure Monday/Tuesday off to recover. Sure, there’ll be a pile of work on your desk when you return, but that’s okay—it may reset your focus. Your attention span has been sketchy lately. Your brain cell count is probably down about 25% (and you know they don’t grow back!). That’s what comes of combining Smirnoff apple vodka and watermelon schnapps all day.

Taurus, somebody at work has a boot-heel on you this week, but you won’t let this freak control you for long. You are slippery as soap, and you know how easy it is to drop the soap. The drama that ensues will make your mate nervous as to whether your job is in jeopardy. If there was ever a time for Malibu, this is it. Mix it with some Blue Curacao and 7-Up to quell those anxieties.

You have plenty of opinions, Gemini, and this is a good week to share them. If you keep them to yourself and say “I told you so” afterwards, your friends will hate you. Tap into your self-confidence. This is a perfect week to tell people exactly what you think of them. And if you need a little help finding your nerve, a martini works wonders. For you, split-personality Gemini, a 4:1 gin-to-vodka ratio is perfect. Add vermouth and shake with ice; garnish with lemon. If it looks crystal-clear, you’ve done it right.

You feel busy but you’re actually your true lazy self, Cancer. But it’s a mistake to rest this week; your creativity is on a big upswing. Apply it to building a bar in your basement. Stock it with all kinds of Smirnoff, then branch outward to weirder things like Licor 43 and Blue Curacao. If you have your own bar, you’ll make friends more easily.

Leo, the psychiatrist’s couch is paying off with all kinds of insights into different areas of your life—work, education, relationships. You’ve learned what you’re good and not good at. For instance, you are very good at draining a bottle of blended whisky. You’re not as good at pacing yourself. Stretch that bottle out by adding other ingredients:

  • 3 oz whisky
  • 1 oz Grand Marnier
  • 2 oz cream
  • 2 tsp icing sugar
  • 2 egg yolks

Shake everything up with ice and strain into a champagne flute. If you’re worried about salmonella, skip the eggs, cream and icing sugar. Ahhh!

Your personal enrichment continues, Virgo, with art and love elevating you above your daily routine. You’re enchanted to the exclusion of all others. And with your own big bottle of vodka, you don’t need anyone else. Maybe just some Gatorade for taste and rehydration.

Libra, you’re hot for somebody who doesn’t share your feelings. Awkward! Don’t harp on it; you stand a strong chance of becoming a stalker. If you get frustrated, share your feelings with an impartial friend. But don’t abuse this person! Friends can only take so much obsessive lunacy. Distract yourself with this crazy recipe:

  • 4 oz vodka
  • 1 oz Pisang Ambon (emerald green and fruity!)
  • 1 oz passion-fruit liqueur
  • 2 oz vanilla ice cream
  • 10 oz pineapple juice

Shake it, shake it. What a lot of effort—but worthwhile if it banishes those crazy stalker thoughts.

A hook-up is in the stars for you, Scorpio. But will it be trivial or non-trivial? The only way to find out is to go home with that stranger. It’ll be a turbulent, emotional week, at the end of which you’ll be exhausted. This is not the week for experimenting with challenging recipes. I see you with one bottle in each hand, alternating Bacardi 151 and Wild Turkey.

Sagittarius, one of your posse will disappoint you this week, souring your relationship and derailing your emotions, which leads to more than a few work screw-ups. But don’t give up; you’ve invested a lot in this person. If someone offers to mediate, accept the help. Get out the blender, whirl up a big pitcher of rum, melon liqueur, lime juice, pineapple juice, and coconut cream. This is your Mediation Beverage. The three of you will either sort out your dispute or have a three-way—and if you’re lucky, both.

Ratchet up your efforts this week, Capricorn, and you’ll reach your goals. But don’t rope others into doing the work for you. Be patient and introspective. After a few days, look up from the grindstone and you’ll find someone checking you out. But it’s just a flirtation, not worth risking a long-term relationship. Ease up on the vodka so you don’t make any blotto decisions.

Aquarius, money isn’t everything, something you realize as the weather improves and nature becomes more attractive. Do outdoorsy stuff: feed birds, check out the ducks, go for a hike. It’s a little-known fact that hot people go outside. Don’t forget to take along a flask full of gin, just in case nature gets boring.

Pisces, you have to keep working no matter how tempted you are to pull a no-show. If you apply yourself, you’ll actually get results, although you have an unfortunate slack-ass reputation to overcome. Just remember, if you’re not earning money, you can’t buy beer. And the other incentive? Someone at work wants to get with you after hours.

ASTROLIQUOR for March 2-8—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Your loyalty gets tested this week, Aries—be careful or you may lose your soulmate. It all boils down to horniness and your penchant for naughty encounters with strangers at the supermarket. Those people who expose their thong underwear at Walmart make your knees wobble, but before you let them seduce you, you need to understand how deeply disturbed they are. If you must indulge, any trysts should be at their place, not yours, because they tend to leave their mark (cinnamon schnapps and tabasco), and you don’t want your true love to find it. Beware of Libras.

Taurus, it’s one success after another for you this week. Get into everything—business, real estate, renos, finance, legal stuff. You’re a powerhouse: immune to illness and super-jacked-up on Dr. Pepper. But if you maintain this frenzy, you’ll freak people out and miss the chance to get lucky Wednesday or Friday. Cut that caffeinated beverage with brandy after you’ve done all your work.

You’re cut off, Gemini. No, I don’t mean booze; I mean money. You haven’t been spending wisely, which has led to a pile-up of frivolous belongings. These things weigh you down and prevent you from spur-of-the-moment travel. Call a moratorium on household spending and funnel your funds into liquor. It doesn’t take up much room, and it’s constantly disappearing. Start with some light rum, then use that frivolous blender that usually takes up counter space to frappé it with some cantaloupe and OJ.

Don’t feel insecure about your physique, Cancer, you’re not even close to looking like one of those People of Walmart (they’re usually Libras). People who truly know you don’t judge you on your outward attributes; they care much more about your liquor cabinet. Make sure you have some Smirnoff and vermouth on hand; you will meet a Virgo who likes a dry martini.

Leo, it would be foolish to make plans on your own this week. You can’t be trusted to be sensible, so enlist loved ones who are less drunk than you to give you perspective. But don’t abuse them! Try to empathize with the effort it takes them to tolerate you on an apple brandy bender. Oh yeah, and you’ll have a dinner date with a Virgo. Try not to throw up before the evening’s over.

A friend is bending your ear with a get-rich-quick scheme, Virgo, but you remain wisely skeptical. If this pal becomes too persistent, break out the Blue Curacao and ply him/her with it until the fantasy subsides. Not that high achievement isn’t possible for you. Just not through partnerships with nutty friends. You’ll probably have a three-way this week and, again, Blue Curacao will be a factor.

Libra, this is a great week to establish an understanding among friends who’ve held long-term differences. Honesty is the best policy. You’ll tell them you dislike their politics; they’ll tell you your sweatpants are inside out and exhibiting a brown skid mark. They’ll also urge you not to get caught in any more People of Walmart photographs. Grab some Absolut and drink a toast.

Sometimes you have a hard time expressing your true feelings, Scorpio. Bottling everything up has worked well for you in business but not so well in relationships. Fact is, you envy people who wear it all on their sleeve. You can be like them! It just takes Captain Morgan (rather a lot, actually). Try mixing it with watermelon schnapps, and next thing you know you’ll be pouring out your life story.

Sagittarius, you have not one but two stalkers—lucky you! One is a borderline lunatic but the other has potential. Call off the restraining order and invite this (second) person into your home. Break out the vanilla vodka and drink all night; then put it in your morning coffee. This person is okay. The other person, though, might be watching through the window. Sorry, Sagittarius.

This week features a pivotal career decision, Capricorn. From that stems an important decision about your living arrangements. Who knows? You might throw your present career away and go back to school, which might require some residential downsizing. It’s exciting for you, Capricorn, but your life partner will probably get nervous, wondering if you’ll jettison him/her. Have a heart-to-heart over a nice bottle of wine.

Aquarius, you’re not your usual strident self; something is mellowing you out. Perhaps it’s your budding realization that money isn’t everything. Perhaps it’s the resurfacing of an old fling. Or maybe it’s just what happens when you pound rum and anisette all day.

Pisces, how about a bet? Your recent stability is bumming you out, so it’s time to reintroduce risk into your life. Don’t weigh the pros and cons; just find a stock and go big. But save some money for liquor. You’ll be sad if you lose everything and have to buy cheap gin.

ASTROLIQUOR for Feb. 24 to March 1—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you are missing out on valuable REM sleep. Try to meditate during your daytime pre-drinking hours. See if you can go into a dreaming state, then write everything down that you see. You’ll be surprised at the creative thoughts churning around in your head. Those ideas want to get out of your head, but they have to swim through a lot of Smirnoff.

Taurus, your mornings are pretty rough this week—aches, pains, tremors. A nice steam bath will fix you up and, one would hope, involve washing that vodka sweat off…so hurry and do it, because your colleagues expect you to deliver a big presentation. OMG, can you hold it together with a headful of Absolut and Cointreau? Let positive thoughts wash over you. Make your presentation as vapid and catchword-laden as possible. Your audience will cheer and invite you out for more drinks.

Relationships are evolving, Gemini, and generally for the better. You’re figuring out what people mean to you, and which Facebook friends you can jettison. This will help you focus at work and give you more time to enjoy gin with coconut cream. Meanwhile, there’s a very seductive Capricorn making your fur stand on end. Be careful…your partner knows all about it. Better make sure you have extra gin.

Cancer, if you’ve been single for a while, this week features an exciting new fling. But if you’re in a long-term relationship, you’ll be yawning a bit. Those of you in the former category, enjoy. Those of you in the latter category, enjoy this:

  • 2 oz dark rum
  • 2 oz light rum
  • 2 oz whiskey
  • 1/4 cup creme de cacao
  • 4 oz cream of coconut

Blend and pour over crushed ice. This is as interesting as it’s gonna get for you this week, so get busy.

Leo, a friend who’s into charitable works will ask you for help with a cause this week. Your impulse is to say yes, throw aside your work, family and all other considerations, and help your friend. That’s cool, but make sure it’s a real charity you’re helping. You don’t want to commit your time to sewing pointy white hats or collecting Richard Dawkins books for an anti-evolution bonfire. The best way to avoid this sort of bad judgment is to break out the rum the moment you wake up. Then keep pouring it in your coffee all day. Ahhhh! When your friend phones, you won’t even be able to form the word “hello.”

Why are you letting yourself get trodden on, Virgo? Normally you’re pretty good at taking care of yourself, but this week brings insecurity and obsessive compulsiveness. The little details overwhelm you, and you lose focus on boundaries. Just like Leo, the best way to avoid being taken advantage of is to hole up inside with a strong drink. I see you lying on the kitchen floor, 12 parts Jagermeister and six parts apple vodka swirling around your brain. If that’s not being the captain of your soul, I don’t know what is.

Libra, your recent pessimism has taken a hike, and skies look blue to you now. Everything is going your way, your energy is bubbling, and you feel safe and secure. Naturally this makes you magnetic to others. Saturday will bring plenty of admirers, including one who’s willing to split a bottle of bourbon with you. Go for it.

The stars are influencing you positively this week, Scorpio. The social calendar looks good, especially Thursday, and you’re fielding attractive invitations to dinner. It’s tempting to order everything on the menu, and not such a bad idea if you want to absorb alcohol and stay alert dessert, which is, naturally, a liquid suggestion:

  • 5 oz espresso vodka
  • 2 oz chocolate liqueur
  • Hershey’s syrup to taste

Sagittarius, although you’ve been vehemently in favor of one strategy at work, this week you’ll do an about-face, causing everyone to wonder if you are a lush. But you’re not the only screw-up at work. So you freak out and let everyone have it! You belittle your colleagues: the weak links, the laggards, the busybodies—everybody. Then you pull a big bottle of Bombay Sapphire out of your desk drawer and openly shake it up with some vermouth in your Starbucks mug. Wow! Unforeseen holiday for you.

You’re fed up with the slow pace at work, Capricorn. But even though you feel you should be further ahead in your career, your colleagues respect and appreciate you. They don’t see your insecurities because you mask them so well behind a constant, some would say shit-eating, rye-whiskey-fueled grin.

Aquarius, a long-hoped-for meeting will take place this week. But you may be disappointed with the other person; he/she can’t possibly live up to your expectations. This will strain the relationship, leading to a mutual bender involving vodka, rum, and whatever else you two can think of to make each other more tolerable. Try Midori Melon liqueur—it gives everyone a happy sheen.

Pisces, there’s no sense getting angry at that coworker who swiped your Kool-Aid/vodka/rum concoction from the communal fridge. Although your boss may back you up, he/she will also remember the incident, when really you should maintain a low profile. You’ll need it for the next time the cops come into your workplace looking for you. You want to be that guy whose name the boss doesn’t remember.