drunkenness

20 tell-tale symptoms you’re in an alcoholic abyss

This week my parents announced a drying-out period of indefinite length, initiated (in their case) for budgetary reasons and (in my case) because they are sadists.

Oh, there may have been some financial grounds. Most Canadian families spend 1.8% of their monthly budget on liquor, and my parents see this area as “trimmable.” Obscenely, they want to trim to below 1%. And just to ensure they reach the target, they’re not buying any booze right now. OMG!

After I spent an afternoon fruitlessly tweeting to various booze producers in BC, a very dark sadness came over me. I tried to cheer up by watching Dexter murder somebody, but I was preoccupied. Symptoms were creeping over me.

Holy crap, my fellow inebriates, have you ever tried to dry out before? If the idea fills you with as much horror as it does me, you might want to do this quiz.

Alcohol Withdrawal Quiz

  1. Do you get the shakes?
  2. Do you feel anxious?
  3. Do you feel nervous or jumpy?
  4. Do you get irritated or easily excited?

Maybe it’s just the DTs talking, but these four questions seem to ask the same thing, to which the answer is Yes, damn it. But let’s qualify things. I live in a house where any minute I might get ambushed by kids. They might slap a leash on me or chain me to a bed. They might give me a bath. They might introduce me to the next-door neighbor’s dogs. Liquored-up or not, I live in a state of constant anxiety.

  1. Do you feel depressed or fatigued?
  2. Do you have difficulty thinking clearly?
  3. Do you experience rapid emotional changes?

Yes to all four. But these are drying-out answers, not the usual answers, when everything is in boozy equilibrium. How can anyone be fatigued when they have 18 hours a day to sleep off benders? How can anyone be depressed with a fresh influx of alcohol? As for thinking clearly, did I ever, people? Just read one or two blog posts and you’ll see the answer is no. And yes, damn it, some profound emotional changes might ensue when you cut an animal off from the only thing it ever consumes.

  1. Do you get a headache?
  2. Do your face or hands sweat?
  3. Do you experience nausea or vomiting?
  4. Do you have trouble sleeping?
  5. Do you experience a rapid heart rate?
  6. Does your skin feel clammy?
  7. Are your hands tremulous?
  8. Does your body make involuntary movements?

These questions assume a different physiology from my own peculiar one. Do I get headaches? Sometimes I’m not even aware I have a head. I’m kind of like the tree that falls down in the forest when nobody’s listening. What am I doing when nobody’s around? Probably staring at the wall and/or getting my 18 hours of sleep (with my eyes open, they tell me).

Question 9 did make me curious about whether wild bears are supposed to sweat. Like dogs, they lack sweat glands except on their noses and tongues, so they suffer during the summer, seeking out streams and shady areas, not to mention panting. The more civilized ones pour a gin & tonic, unless their parents have decided to be assholes.

Tenderheart Bear

The family would be very surprised to find bear vomit around the house, although my friend Scarybear insists he leaves his scat out in the garden and that when the kids dig in the flower beds, that’s what they’re handling. I don’t know if Scary’s delusional about this or not, but he also thinks the Earth is reversing its magnetic field this week. Neither of us is clammy unless we get thrown in the toilet, and if I said we had hearts, well, you might equate us with Care Bears and want to exterminate us.

Involuntary movements are the norm at LBHQ. Most of what we bears are involved in is involuntary.

  1. Do you become confused?
  2. Do you have hallucinations?

Ahh, back to the brain. “Become” confused? That would imply having not been confused in the past. So the answer is no.

I have plenty of hallucinations and even get accused of having them when I’m not. I’m hoping Fluffy is a hallucination.

  1. Do you feel like you have a fever?
  2. Do you experience convulsions?

Back to physiology. Anyone with a coat of fur would be feverish in the summer. Next. Convulsions are another story. I have to keep those somewhat contained. If I spent the day going into convulsions my parents might decide I was too unwholesome for the kids.

  1. Do you have blackouts or memory loss?

Wha??

And the results. If you haven’t guessed, you get one point for each yes. Add ’em up and you’ve got your score.

What an awesome score!

And if you got 3 or more, welcome to the Pleasuredome.

ASTROLIQUOR for April 6-12—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’ve got a boring week on tap, Aries. Weak planetary influences mean you’ll be on autopilot most days, which could lead to some minor screw-ups. Totally ordinary ones, mind you, and drama-free. As an Aries you hate going too long without a bar fight—try to be patient! Your ornery life will return with a vengeance next week. In the meantime you can at least make yourself an interesting shot: equal parts Tia Maria, Bailey’s, and creme de menthe.

Taurus, you’re already thinking about your birthday…you hedonist. Try focusing on a friend whose birthday is also approaching. Find a unique present on the internet—something with the emotional resonance to capture how special your friendship is. Failing that, have a case of Corona delivered to your friend. Go over and hang out.

Your self-confidence is on a high, Gemini. Find some new friends at the supermarket and have a party. Did you know that you can combine gin and port? Your new friends will show you how (but they will also barf on your carpet). Saturday will be so good that you’ll truly hate Sunday.

Don’t be intimidated by anyone this week, Cancer. People are pretty stubborn about their convictions, but you can be too. So tell your AA sponsor to take a hike. This person is leading a hollow life and eating way too much cake. If he/she is really insistent about roping you into a meeting, take along a bottle of merlot.

Leo, your free spirit bumps up against some frustrating friends and acquaintances this week. Be happy there’s nothing important going on in your stars right now for them to mess up. You need to follow your passions, even if they lead you into naughty territory. So when that little voice in your head says Yes! Make a double martini substituting tequila for gin/vodka, do it.

Have you ever seen that movie about the kid who’s new in town and gets to reinvent his life, Virgo? That’s you this week, and the clock is ticking… You’ll be able to pull off the “new you” for about four days before people figure you out. This means any new relationships will remain mere vodka-fueled flirtations. Sounds good, right?

Libra, show your colleagues what you’re worth. You have so much to offer, and they are so mouthy sometimes. No one has worked so hard on the Penske File as you this year. Sit back and wait for your bonus, and don’t forget to throw some Galliano in your coffee mug.

Your love life is lucky, Scorpio. Trick yourself out with a conspicuous outfit so you can be noticed. (You might even want to hang around Walmart waiting for your close-up.) People with psychological problems will flock to you in droves. These are your people! Invite them home to share a box of white wine.

Sagittarius, be wary or you’ll embark on a turbulent relationship. There are no good days to get romantically involved this week; simply going outdoors will put you in a minefield. Generally speaking, you need to let logic guide you. This means declining a stranger’s offer to share a pitcher of Hawaiian Punch and cherry vodka. For you this may be common sense, but I had to think about it.

The stars are calling for eroticism, Capricorn, but don’t even think about finding a soulmate right now. Think messy flirtations and sloppy coupling (and if you have a home life to worry about, bad-ass domestic dispute when you come home smelling of beer and Strongbow). It’s much grittier than normal for Capricorn, but sometimes you need to let go.

Aquarius, when you go off your meds your OCD comes back with a vengeance. You find yourself counting split peas and turning the stove on/off three times before leaving the house. Try calling your parents to tell them it’s their fault. If that doesn’t work, sit down to a project:

  • 3 oz brandy
  • 2 oz port
  • 1 egg
  • 2 tsp icing sugar
  • 1 oz cream
  • Pinch nutmeg (more if you want to get high)

Shake the first five ingredients up and dust with nutmeg. This should occupy you until your meds kick in.

Pisces, now that Uranus is in your sign, things are going to go wild in your life. Shake off your old patterns, annoying people, and even your job. You didn’t really like being employed anyway. It made it hard to drink Southern Comfort and blueberry schnapps all day.

Why alcohol is so good for us

My Fellow Inebriates,

As always I welcome friends’ tasting notes. I’m catching up on a bunch of especially adventurous ones, including this from my friend Shannon:

I must say, I REALLY like rum. My rum of choice is Sailor Jerry. In fact, Sailor Jerry is so choice that as a sign of respect, I dressed up as a total slutted-out sailor for Hallowe’en and called myself Jerry. I carried around a mickey of Jerry in a little sparkly red clutch purse all night. I drank Jerry for 12 hours straight that night and the only challenge I had was trying not to fall off of my platform boots. I think Jerry brings out the best in people. I know I am a better person when I have Sailor Jerry in my life. 🙂

My favorite thing about Shannon is her continuous pursuit of excellence. She obviously knows the importance of high aspirations, and moreover she’s made the critical realization that alcohol makes us all better people. And there are plenty of reasons:

  • Alcohol causes euphoria. Whee! What better way to go back to one’s best, most idealized state—a condition of irresponsible immaturity, characterized by dress-up and relentless pestering of other people?
  • Alcohol induces lethargy. We live in an age of information overload. Slowing the brain down is a great way to avoid absorbing any data. You know the kind—what you said to your boss at the Christmas party, who took you home, why your underwear are on your head.
  • Alcohol creates confusion. Drink enough and all your senses will get mixed up. Next thing you know, that toothache is no longer bothering you, wearing platform boots becomes challenging, you can’t remember why boundaries are important, and you use adjectives like “choice.”
  • Alcohol leads to stupor. This is a great way to get that elusive nap. Not only that, but if you get to this stage you’ll probably toss your cookies too, and that makes everyone laugh.

    You have your San Francisco treat, I'll have mine.