drinking

BAILEY’S IRISH CREAM—emulsification, coagulation, inebriation

My Fellow Inebriates,

The recycling truck just passed by (we missed it and are stuck for another week with sky-high paper and corrugated cardboard). The house looks like a tornado hit it. What is all this holiday loot? Will it enhance our lives? Or is it tomorrow’s litter?

A few favorite things…

Last fall the four-year-old acquired Nacho the Chihuahua, complete with hook for attaching to keys or a child’s backpack. Miss V quickly elevated the animal to near-godhood, its presence necessary for sleep, bath, and all special occasions, including its own twice-weekly birthdays for which cakes are baked and decorated. For Christmas Santa brought the next-size-up Nacho, prompting an ecstatic family reunion for the two of them and, not least, Miss V.

I don’t mind Chihuahuas, but they make me think of tequila and our lack of it. Despite Nacho’s status as favorite pre-K Christmas present, it makes me really thirsty.

The six-year-old’s fave gift? An Easy Bake Oven. I was relieved to see the small opening in this frightening appliance as well as the exhortation to parents to participate in its use. This means I probably won’t get cooked in it, although the smaller Nacho might.

For my dad? A T-shirt. I don’t know if this was his favorite gift, but anything that prevents my dad from walking around shirtless is okay in my book.

And my mum? She got the best gift of all: BAILEY’S IRISH CREAM. Yes, it’s ass-expanding and heart-squeezing, but ahhhhh, there is nothing like Bailey’s (although, come to think of it, Carolan’s and Feeney’s are pretty good substitutes). Decadent and silky, BAILEY’S on ice is the best end-of-day reward for putting up with kids parenting. It’s gentle enough for whiskey novices to appreciate, and for those who still find it strong, a little milk dilutes it nicely.

Supposedly the BAILEY’S recipe wasn’t perfected until 1973 because whiskey and cream don’t naturally mix together. Plenty of DIY Irish cream chefs have experienced having to shake up their separated home versions. Gilbey’s of Ireland homogenizes BAILEY’S with the aid of an emulsifier, which is why theirs stays together and yours doesn’t. (But I wonder which tastes better? I still haven’t tried the DIY version.)

Brain Hemorrhage

The best thing about BAILEY’S is its versatility. It can be drunk straight, over ice, as part of a cocktail, or poured into coffee. A number of shooters call for BAILEY’S specifically because it coagulates when combined with acidic mixers, creating foul-looking drinks intended to be shot for sport and gross-out factor. It’s important to down these shooters really fast or the texture will make you toss your cookies.

What did you get for the holidays? Will it get you drunk? Or will it enhance your life in some other way?

6 special treats to put you on Santa’s list tonight

My Fellow Inebriates,

Tonight’s the big night, and whether we have the faith my friend Scarybear has in Santa or we’re just maintaining an elaborate and costly ruse that will one day shatter our pre-tweens’ faith in us, most of us are leaving a treat out for the big guy.

So what’s on the snack menu?

Why Santa Has a Naughty List

drinknation.com

  • 1 oz gin
  • 1 oz amaretto
  • 1 oz banana liqueur
  • ½ oz grenadine
  • Sprite to taste

Add gin and amaretto to an ice-filled Collins glass. Add sprite, then grenadine, then banana liqueur.

Grade: B-

Overly sweet; let’s hope Santa has his insulin with him when he knocks this back. The elves might like it, but it might cause too many pee breaks for their boss’s liking.

Black Santa

  • 1.5 oz vodka
  • ¾ oz coffee liqueur
  • ¼ oz mint schnapps

Mix with ice, then strain into a martini glass.

Grade: B

Nice balance between the coffee and mint with a vodka kick laying the foundation. The only downside is it won’t stay cold for Santa.

Candy Cane Cocktail

  • 1 oz vanilla rum
  • 1 oz Godiva white chocolate liqueur
  • 1 oz peppermint schnapps
  • Candy cane garnish

Shake the booze in a cocktail shaker with ice, then strain into a glass. Garnish with a candy cane.

Grade: B+

Yummy, with candy on the side for the under-aged elves. On the negative side, it won’t stay cold, but on the plus, it’s so delicious it doesn’t matter.

Sugar Cookie Jell-O Shots

Grade: B

Even more yummy, but requires prep—too much prep time, planning and ingredients, all of which defeat this furry alcoholic. Worth it if your mum will do the work. On another note, the kids might consume it by mistake and—voila—easy bedtime, parents.

Six-pack

Grade: B+

Plus: You can put out a cooler for Santa by the stockings and leave him some nice, cold brews. Minus: Santa’s leftovers look a bit seedy the next day when the kids wake up.

Bottle of red wine

Grade: A

Include a stopper and a paper bag so Santa can take it with him and continue imbibing on his sleigh. He’s not really driving, right? It’s Rudolph doing all the sighting, so you just have to make sure that little reindeer doesn’t get any. Put an anti-reindeer sign on it and you’re cool.

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 23-29

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

It’s time to do all the chores you’ve been neglecting, Aries, which means cleaning up all the rum. What a mess a liquor cabinet becomes when it contains too many partially used bottles. Get drinking and finish some off. Sure, it’s early, but it’s also the holiday season, so you can do whatever you want. Oh yeah, and you’re going to lose a crapload of money gambling this week. Try to spend your casino money on white rum.

Taurus, you need to make a crazy party punch full of all kinds of fruits and juices AND—don’t forget this part—a gallon each of Everclear, Smirnoff and Sailor Jerry’s. Throw some triple sec in for character and you’re ready for the holidays. Sounds like a big quantity? Not really—you just have to start at breakfast. BTW, you are going to run out of money making this, and there won’t be any more until February.

You’ve been drunk for a long time, Gemini. So drunk that one morning you wake up and can’t recognize anybody. This is a great thing—an invaluable opportunity to reinvent yourself. And the best way to do that is to make new friends at the bar. Try buying them Smirnoff & Midori melon drinks.

Get your affairs in order, Cancer, so you can relax. Once you take care of business, you can turn your attention to making bizarre drinks for yourself and whatever weirdos you pick up around town. Here’s a good one: 4 cups lager + 1 cup sherry…with melon balls thrown into it, floating around. Yum, right?

I see a bar fight for you this week, Leo, featuring an angry Aquarius. Don’t worry; you’ll have a threesome with a Taurus and a Capricorn later in the week. Give yourself a preemptive spank with this creation:

  • 1.5 oz banana schnapps
  • 1.5 oz vanilla vodka
  • 1 oz Bacardi 151

Don’t eat too much this week, Virgo. Why eat when you can sustain yourself with tequila? If the room starts to spin, go out for a nice walk. All sorts of people will laugh at you as you stagger along. Think of it as holiday spirit, not ridicule because you forgot to put on pants.

Libra, there are some voices in your head telling you to do hectic, seasonal things like cook a turkey. Don’t listen to them! You have drinks to mix, and if you consume enough of them, you’ll be off the hook for cooking duty. Here’s a drink recipe to start:

  • 1 cup sweet-and-sour mix
  • 3 oz melon liqueur
  • 2 oz Blue Curacao
  • 2 oz amaretto
  • 2 oz raspberry vodka
  • Lots of ice

Yes, it’s a big quantity, but you can do it.

People are starting to bore you, Scorpio. This is compounded by the fact that you’ve pulled Designated Driver duty this week. Take it seriously and abstain while you’re out, but once you’ve dropped your boring friends off, hit the vodka (with Jagermeister and Goldschlager of course).

Sagittarius, everything feels like it’s against you, but try to remember it’s been worse before. Ride out this depressive episode in bed with a tumbler of Irish whiskey beside you.

You are being watched, Capricorn. You’re not imagining it, and the watcher is a Scorpio. Don’t ignore this seemingly creepy person; he/she may have something useful for you, whether it be a job or casual sex. Your drink is amaretto—put it in everything.

You’re changing mentally, Aquarius, and not necessarily for the best. People around you are noticing and wondering whether you’re in some sort of destructive spiral. They wonder if it will be like a road accident to watch, or whether you’ll give them a laugh on your downward trajectory. Since no sort of psychological implosion is complete without alcohol, here’s a colorful recipe:

  • 3 oz lemon vodka
  • 2 oz melon liqueur
  • 1 oz Blue Curacao
  • 1 oz lemon or lime juice
  • 2 oz sweet-and-sour mix

Blend it up with ice. Never mind other people.

Pisces, you’re getting annoyed at others’ shirking of responsibilities. Clearly, you are too sober. If you had sufficient alcohol levels, you wouldn’t care whether your coworkers were working or whether the kid at Starbucks knows how to make a latte. Get on the festive train and stop pissing on everybody’s parade. Vodka martinis for you ASAP.