drinking

The (sinister?) mystery of the two Langley bears

Lest you think there’s no news worth reporting in Langley, today’s local paper carried a letter to the editor describing the disappearance and return of two teddy bears.

What the hell does it mean? I wondered. Which bears does the writer mean?

Seriously, I wondered if my friend Scarybear had been getting into someone’s garbage again. A picnic bear like Scary has just as much trouble staying away from old watermelon rinds as I do keeping away from the empties. Had this writer spotted some foraging grizzlies? I wondered? And felt affection for them? Could you feel affection for Scary?

And what next? Would someone be writing to the editor about spotting a diminutive, mangy light tan bear rooting through the beer cans outside their house? It could happen…especially since my mum finished the gin.

Turns out the letter’s subjects are more similar to Scary and me than I’d imagined. A couple of years ago Gayle Brown noticed a teddy bear sitting on a stump by a North Langley ravine, which was joined soon after by a second bear, along with an umbrella to protect them from the elements. She enjoyed driving past these whimsically positioned bears, imagining them to be picnicking—although if my parents stuck me outside for two years with, say, Scary, and no TV and no booze, I might call it abandonment.

Gayle seems to be a well-meaning person who, in fairness, believes the outdoors to be a fitting ursine setting. Apparently these bears are tough mothers too:

“…they always looked the same—no moss or mould—just cuddled together in the rain and snow and sunshine… Last week, I noticed only the umbrella was there. What happened to the bears? Where did they go? Maybe they went to a teddy bears’ picnic in the woods.”

I would freaking hope somebody adopted them so they could catch up on Breaking Bad while pounding a six-pack. We “teddy” bears don’t fare so well outside. Like Gayle, I wondered what had happened to them. Had they been abducted? Interrogated? Imprisoned? Did someone make them rub lotion on themselves? OMG!

Holy crap, is “spa” some sort of euphemism for “washing machine”? Only the bears know for sure. I’m going to visit them this week and give them some beer.

ASTROLIQUOR for August 10-16—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You may think you’ve solved your problems, Aries, but at what cost? You may, for instance, have moved house and promised a certain bear he could ride to the new house in the car. And then he got stuck in the scary, dark moving truck. You still think you were in the right, because it kept the bear from asking you to mix a Cosmo, but seriously parents dear reader, you gotta know it was unfair. You’ll realize it in October when that bear has a birthday.

Taurus, you seem self-assured but it’s all a mask. What are you hiding? Could it be your guilt over making your bear friend ride in a smelly truck with all the other animals when you’d promised him a ride in the car? Go ahead, keep pouring yourself coffee brandy and vodka. Mix it up with cream. Tell yourself it wasn’t a big deal. Now give that drink to the bear.

Not even you, Gemini, can evade responsibility this week. Almost every day you’ll feel pressure—pressure to finish moving house, pressure to get your little bear friend online so he can write a horoscope, pressure to atone for forgetting he wanted to ride to the new house in the car. The best way to atone is with Johnnie Walker Black. Get on it.

No romantic adventures for you this week, Cancer. You don’t really know what you want from a relationship, and let’s face it, you have other things on your mind. What about that bear of yours? The one who wanted to ride in the car, not in the moving trunk? Maybe you should feed him some liqueur- and honey-soaked melon balls. Then he might stop dissing you on the internet.

Leo, you have a strong urge to be carefree. In fact, this impulse has made you negligent and uncaring. Step back and think about your actions. You’re not the only one in the world, you know? Did you forget someone?? Maybe a bear? What did you do, drink a bottle of Yukon Jack just as the movers were pulling up to the house? Were you so tanked that you just let them take your little bear friend and put him in the truck? OMG!

You’re entering into an agreement, Virgo, but beware! The other party is giving off a disingenuous air. You might, for instance, be negotiating to ride in the front seat of the family car to your new house, only to find yourself banging around in the back of a truck, in a laundry basket filled with other animals. Have a clause in your contract requiring compensatory Malibu and Bacardi for said trauma.

Libra, you have a nagging sense of guilt. Perhaps you purchased something you don’t need. Perhaps you forgot to hook up the internet until really late today, and your little bear friend didn’t get to post on his blog? Maybe you even made him ride in a dirty five-ton truck instead of the car. If you really want to make it up to him, you should open some rum. Keep it open through Saturday and he’s sure to forgive you.

Start getting to bed earlier, Scorpio. Evidently your memory is giving you trouble, and sleep is a big factor in good recall. Of course Southern Comfort plays a role, especially if you swish it up with three ounces of vodka in a macro beer. Yeah…that must have been what made you forget your little bear friend. Don’t pretend you don’t know!!! He had to ride in the truck after being promised a car ride! And then he had no internet for two days! Come on, he wants to forgive you. Loosen up the cap on the vodka.

Sagittarius, the stars are telling you to mind your finances, especially regarding real estate. Perhaps you’ve just moved house and are tying up loose ends. Think…was there anything you forgot? What about transportation from house 1 to house 2? Hmmm…did you forget to let someone ride in the car with you? Did you make him ride in the truck?!! OMG! That is as bad as throwing away a bottle of Bacardi Big Apple. How’s your conscience?

The stars feature movement, Capricorn. How nice for you! Look at you with your bags all packed, boxes ready to go! So organized! So efficient! Oh yes, and what about the other household members traveling with you? Got their arrangements handled? No? But you won’t forget, right? Wrong!! A certain bear, bouncing around the back of a five-ton truck? OMG, how much vodka did you consume to let that happen?

Aquarius, this is an excellent week to make changes. Start working on your physical conditioning. Apply yourself at work. You’ll see satisfying results. Your home life is another matter—you’re got anxiety and turmoil there, but mainly guilt about a promise you made to a particular bear about riding in the car to your new house. Sure, you say, but the movers went ahead and grabbed him before I could intervene! All right then, but if you were going to put him on the truck, maybe you should have packed him with the whisky, huh?

Pisces, get ready for a birthday in your family. Use whatever devices you have to remember it. You wouldn’t want to disappoint anyone, and it would be embarrassing to have to apologize for forgetting. You’d feel horrible if your little bear friend your family members thought your memory was going to shit. What could you possibly say? Excess Jagermeister only constitutes an excuse if you shared it with the bear who ended up riding in a moving truck instead of the family car.

What’s in your drawers?

Only when my mum started packing for the LBHQ move did I learn about all these tools, wedged into various drawers and whatnot. Everybody probably has a similar collection.

They really don’t get enough use. Owing to my parents’ grievously small beer-appreciation range, not a lot of specialty beers cross our threshold. Beers that do gain admittance to the LBHQ fridge invariably surrender to a twist-off action and/or one particular bottle opener.

I like these tools because they represent the only realistic chance for me to have a party when my parents go out. Ideally, though, I’d like one mounted against the wall, about eight inches off the floor.

How do you get your bottles open? And what about the bears in your house—how do they do it?