ASTROLIQUOR for December 7-13—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’ll have unexpected expenses this week and through the New Year, so stay away from expensive artisanal gin and find yourself some rotgut. You’ll make hotel reservations, only to have them fall through when you reach your (expensive) destination. Hope it’s a warm area of the world; you might be bedding down in cardboard. This could be good for your love life.

Taurus, you feel introverted, causing your friends to wonder what’s wrong with you. The world is heavily skewed toward extroverts, and we can’t all be naked-dancing-lampshade-wearing-Mike’s-hard-lemonade-swilling entertainers, so just own your need for a little quiet and privacy this week. Any friends who can’t respect it are dildos.

When you mix lager and stout in the same glass, Gemini, you feel empowered to do whatever the hell else you want to do too. Moreover, you get the sense that everyone admires you and would like to mate with you. In psychiatric parlance this is called narcissism, and many Geminis enjoy it. The important thing is that you radiate positive energy. You emit  bright sunbeams, even if you think they’re shining out of your shorts.

Cancer, new people enter your life this week—a good thing, since you burned a few bridges in November. You may end up traveling with your new friends and learning about new societies and cultures. You may start drinking Yellow Chartreuse with cognac. All this will be very expensive, but don’t worry about the bruises on your credit card; you’ll win the lottery later in the week.

Leo, you don’t feel like working this week. Instead you’ll fantasize heavily about future plans, watch a lot of porn, and hit on strangers. In other words, this will be a fun week, but it will come back to haunt you in February, depending how many people you piss off. Still, it is in the stars, so you can’t exactly elect not to misbehave. Champagne for you.

Staying home alone may appeal to you, Virgo, but it will actually end up sucking, especially since you’ll miss out on meeting someone special. Not only that—if you mix with other people, someone might offer you a job. However, if it’s not a job but a “lucrative business partnership,” run! The last thing you need is to get financially reamed before the holidays. You need money for vodka, rum, brandy, and amaretto.

Libra, responsibility is the last thing on your mind. Your life has been very mundane lately, and you’re itching to go berserk. Will you make it until New Year without shaking up a 4-L jug of creme de menthe, Frangelico, and vodka? If you restrain yourself, you’ll become very moody at work…. Best to work drunk and happy. Your colleagues like you better that way, and so do you.

What a boring week lies ahead, Scorpio. It’s like you’re in a little pocket of weak celestial influence. You’ll get restless on Wednesday and mix this:

  • 5 oz rum
  • 5 oz pear liqueur
  • 5 oz orange juice
  • 5 oz pineapple juice

You may wish to hollow out a pineapple or a coconut and adorn this amazing drink with umbrellas and whatever weird things you can find. Consuming it should take care of Thursday (who does anything on Thursday anyway), and then on Friday you’ll need to explain some kind of accounting slip-up at work that’s concatenated throughout your department. Rum is really the worst spirit for doing math.

Sagittarius, you’re getting excited about your birthday. Even if it’s already happened, you may feel you didn’t get enough gifts. Why not make yourself a calendar featuring nude pictures of yourself? It will be an interesting conversation piece for a whole year, and you’ll still have money left over for Sailor Jerry. Make sure you go grocery shopping every day if you want to have a hook-up this week.

Your popularity continues, Capricorn. Go with it—an evening with friends will boost your spirits. Make it an inexpensive one, though; find a cheap dive and drink the house beer. This way you can restock your liquor inventory (Frangelico, Haagen Dazs cream liqueur, Grand Marnier, and Kahlua—yes, you need these). Make sure you don’t go to any musicals. No handling livestock either.

Aquarius, you have to fight for your rights this week. The battleground is information. Be suspicious of everyone. If you think you’re being surveilled, it’s because you are. When it comes to drinks, think odorless and colorless. Despite your current vodka-fueled paranoia, you’ll look back at the week with a sense of accomplishment. Except for the part where you bump into an old friend who defrauds you in a get-rich-quick scheme.

Pisces, you need liberty this week. Off with those confining clothes; it’s time to run around in a thong. Surprisingly, your friends won’t interfere. Be thankful for them, but keep things platonic; the stars call nix on any sort of rutting or matting. Turn your tongue and internal organs blue-purple with some blackberry schnapps.

ASTROLIQUOR for May 18-24—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Your energy soars this week, Aries, making you the envy of colleagues—especially a Gemini. Fortunately you have distractions, such as one nagging little task you’ve always been too drunk to wrap your head around. This is a good week to sober up a little and tackle it properly. It may involve precise measurements or power tools, in which case you wouldn’t want to be cruising on anything stronger than lager.

Taurus, you’re working diligently for a change—confident, energetic, and ready to defend your decisions if necessary. A promotion is very likely if you keep on this path, so keep demonstrating your willingness to take on new work, and leave the flask at home for the time being. You can behave temporarily! Stay alert all day, then reward yourself with a nice expensive port or brandy when you get home.

This week features a psychotic break for you, Gemini, with gape-jawed friends and family wondering what the hell happened. It all springs from restlessness, but don’t bother trying to preempt it—it’s in the stars. The key thing is to recognize it and stay out of harm’s way when it happens. Here’s a recipe to keep you busy:

  • 3 oz rum
  • 3 oz vodka
  • 3 oz triple sec
  • 3 oz sloe gin
  • 3 oz Jim Beam
  • Whatever juice you have (optional)

This is a real creeper. Enjoy your week off!

You feel very settled and comfortable, Cancer. Avoid any adventures; this week is for gathering your strength and cultivating stability. Does this mean you can’t get loaded? Absolutely not! But no more reeling around at the bus shelter. Sip some Goldschlager or Bailey’s at a safe and leisurely pace after work.

Leo, expect to discover something worthwhile about yourself this week despite what colleagues and loved ones say. Perhaps you have a special gift such as mind reading or knitting. Now’s the time to develop it, but you might need a mentor. Is there someone you can load up with passion-fruit liqueur in exchange for coaching?

This week should be relaxing, Virgo, if you prevent yourself from being the source of your own stress. Try leaving on time for appointments so you don’t freak out thinking you’ll be late. Remember you’re not a victim! You’re the author of your own life. Be prepared for a hangover if you drink a vat of tequila and Midori melon. (Do it! Just buy some aspirin first.)

Libra, you’re in a self-defeating stop-and-go mode. There’s too much work on your plate for that right now. You have a resentful Virgo colleague trying to get you to slip up and/or take credit for your work, and if you don’t buckle down now, things will get nasty in August. Sorry, you can’t be constantly hammered until you manage your situation, but you can treat yourself now and then by putting a shot of Crown Royal in a vanilla milkshake.

Love and joy are in the stars, Scorpio. Play it right and you could build something lasting with an amorous Taurus. (Of course if you already have a partner you’ll have more drama than love and joy, but you don’t mind that.) Work goes smoothly this week. If anything, you’re staying too far under the radar. Let your boss know about your quirky, creative side—show up at all meetings with rum on your breath.

Sagittarius, that pessimistic cloud has dissipated, leaving you hopeful and energetic. It’s a good time to see family. Who knows, maybe they’ll come to see you in the form of an intervention. They might have mistaken your natural exuberance for drunkenness, especially with all those Skyy vodka empties lying around your yard.

The spiritual world is beckoning, even for the most skeptical Capricorn. Don’t be afraid—everyone breaks with rationality once in a while, and it looks good on you. Your newfound openness gives you more empathy and patience. You find yourself helping others, with no expectation of reciprocity. Is it because you’re perpetually blasted on brandy? Who knows—just enjoy it, because everyone likes you better this way.

Aquarius, you ignore your intuition this week in favor of rationality. (OMG, why are you reading your horoscope?) This leads to some very cold decisions that would have been better referred to your gut instinct. For instance, that Pisces you’ve been stalking… If you listened to your inner voice you’d know that he/she thinks you’re an idiot. Your inner voice told you to buy a bunch of lottery tickets too, and did you? That’s why nobody’s at your house with a giant cheque. Relax that left brain by putting whisky in your coffee the second you wake up.

Pisces, you find yourself missing an old friend who’s been out of the picture because of a disagreement. Yes, this person could call you, but don’t count on it. Stow your pride and take the initiative. Renewing the friendship will lead to some surprising revelations and maybe a good party. If you’re afraid of rejection, sweeten the invitation to get together with this awesome drink:

  • 6 oz vodka
  • 12 oz pineapple juice
  • Juice of 4 limes
  • Honey
  • 2 oz creme de menthe

Shake the first four ingredients up, pour over ice and add the creme de menthe. Pack that away and what is there to disagree about?

ASTROLIQUOR for May 11-17—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Expect to hear some nasty gossip about you and your family this week, Aries, spreading feverishly through your circle. So vitriolic is the rumor that it might take until July to refute it. Then in August you’ll find out who dissed you. You won’t be inviting this A-hole to your midsummer housewrecker! Too bad you’re so broke. You’ll be serving mainly leftover Malibu if you can get a friend to help you open the bottle.

Taurus, you need to keep a low profile this week, especially around decision makers. If you mouth off, you may find yourself on the curb holding a box of office supplies. Sadly this means you’ll have to go to work sober for a while. Wait until you get home to break out the giant box of red wine.

There’s not enough of you to go around, Gemini, but it’s flattering to have so many colleagues asking you for help. Your charisma and energy are high—it’s a good time to take the lead. Tell everyone to chill out about work and take a booze break. If you pool all the hidden alcohol in your office you should be able to find vodka, melon liqueur, and peach schnapps. Throw it into a bowl with whatever juice you can find in the communal fridge and voila: easy work day.

Time for something completely different, Cancer. Lose the TV remote and go outside with a picnic basket. OMG, you say, that sounds fantastic! What shall I put in the basket? Ahhhhh….

  • White rum
  • Sweet sherry
  • Tawny port
  • Drambuie
  • Gingerale (optional)

Now, we could mess around with proportions, etc., but I suggest just taking all the bottles and mixing them up in random ways. But be forewarned: this is the sort of picnic that attracts bears.

Leo, in every sense you are on this week. Work, love, and family are all thriving, and you can expect to attract a special new (platonic) friend this week. Make an effort not to be a tool and this person could become a lifetime friend. So don’t pretend that’s not vodka with amaretto in your flask. Share it around.

For some reason you’re being a jerk to a close friend, Virgo, even though you hotly deny it when accused. Like most neurotics you think you’re acting very rationally, but “rational” doesn’t usually go hand in hand with a headful of gin. Try to delay drinking until after work, then cut that gin with some tonic and peppermint schnapps. If, after that behavior mod, you’re still a jerk, you can blame the stars.

Libra, career is featured strongly, with management noticing your achievements. Just ignore the critics on the sidelines. Just because they can’t do a PowerPoint presentation while hammered on gin and blackberry brandy… As superheroic as you are at work, however, your personal life sucks! Try to at least be sober in the morning hours.

If you’re signing a new mortgage or financial contract, Scorpio, this is the time to get it done. Your stars shift to a sinister position within two weeks, and someone will try to con you. Exactly how this all shakes out is hard to picture right now. It’s hard to picture anything when you’re clinging to the bathroom floor after ralphing Jack Daniel’s and Goldschlager into the toilet.

Sagittarius, pay attention; there’s a Leo watching you with interest, and if you miss the signals you could miss out on a party. As inattentive as you seem to be about potential hook-ups, you’re even more oblivious to how well you’re doing at work. Congratulations—you’re in the career catbird seat and you don’t even know how you got there. Evidently Bacardi 151 makes you behave more professionally.

Go out every night this week, Capricorn, and you’ll be sure to make some new friends. One of these will stick and turn into a longterm friendship or even a romantic partnership. If this is too much pressure, load your brain up with vodka before going out. Just leave the car keys at home.

Aquarius, the chances of a relationship split are high right now owing to a weird constellation exerting more influence than usual. Whatever you might do that matters, do NOT do it on Thursday. In fact, don’t do anything on Thursday! Call in sick and pound some cheap Scotch. By the time you sober up and sort out your hangover (Saturday), the danger will have passed.

Pisces, try hard this week not to get swindled. You look gullible! No lending money unless you can afford to lose it. No picking up the tab for drinks, no matter how earnestly friends promise to get the next one. Your only ally this week will be a Capricorn who thinks you’re a dupe but likes you anyway. Unexpectedly this person may want to get with you, so ease off on the Kahlua, vodka, Bailey’s, and creme de menthe or you’ll end up just cuddling.