astrology

ASTROLIQUOR for March 1–6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, an insurance issue will require your full attention. Make sure you read the small print—preferably before you go on a Yellow Chartreuse bender. In any case, your coverage will probably screw you over, leaving you to wonder why you bothered buying insurance at all. The good news is it doesn’t involve driving and/or your car. Give yourself a pat on the back for confining your drinking to your home and public transit. Take the money you’ve been wasting on premiums and buy a present for a Scorpio. Maybe a bottle of Yellow Chartreuse.

Taurus, you’re brooding over old issues. Colleagues wonder why you haven’t gotten over ancient slights, but Taurus personalities are excellent at balling up those hostile emotions until they explode. Release them before you go critical. Remember: booze will free you of your inhibitions. Use anything…cognac, Cointreau, Yellow Chartreuse… Are you drunk yet? Good. Now go talk to your boss.

You think you know yourself so well, Gemini, but others actually know you better. In fact, you can’t even remember the last five years. You’ve been awash the whole time in Southern Comfort. Little do you know, your consciousness is about to explode, providing new insights between now and May. You’ll also experience some diarrhea.

Cancer, you’ll start a drunken fight at work this week. You can’t help it; your colleagues are idiots who refuse to do their jobs. Privately you’ll feel ashamed for your outburst, but then you’ll gradually start to like your new bad-ass self. You’ll rationalize your nutbag workplace freakouts and bolster them with a flask of gin. Have a cardboard box ready.

Leo, pay more attention to your family. Don’t just listen to them; try to understand what makes them tick. What weird-ass genes influence them? What crazy relatives brought them up? Meanwhile you’ll find yourself in the doghouse with a significant other; it seems your inability to function without a headful of Bacardi 151 is a relationship dealbreaker. Don’t worry, you’ll meet someone new at the liquor store in April.

Virgo, your month is outstripping your paycheque and causing you big financial worries. Consider getting rid of your car. You never drive it anyway because you are always pissed on Malibu. You could buy discount rotting fruit and vegetables to save a few coins, or maybe even give up solid foods altogether. Or you could just wait for a raise. The stars say “maybe.”

Stop mailing your hate letters immediately, Libra. The “send” button is far too tempting for you, and you’re dissing people who are much smarter (and probably more sober) than you. If you, for instance, email the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere, you will get skewered. It’s okay to have an opinion, but try not to formulate it after marinating your neurons in vodka, whisky, gin, and a dash of tabasco sauce. That shit’ll make you mean.

The stars may be messing with you, Scorpio, but they’re suggesting you make an elaborate dinner for friends. They’ll be surprised at what a gourmand you are, and a flirtation may even ensue with a Leo or Pisces. The resultant public display of affection will probably appall your guests and scare them off, but for your superbly stocked bar. White rum, dark rum, and elderflower cordial? You’ve got it going on. And now you’ve got an orgy in your dining room.

Sagittarius, you’re hurting financially. You made some serious dents with your ATM card back in December, and you can’t even remember what you purchased. That’s what happens when you go shopping during a drunken blackout. Who knows what you bought—check and see if there’s a Prada purse under your bed. Better yet, see what’s in your bar. Let’s hope you stocked up on Tia Maria and Amaretto.

You don’t have any spare cash, Capricorn, but who cares? You’re feeling down and your house could use some new furniture. Your partner will be so surprised to see a new living room suite and a zero balance. Smooth over any arguments with this yummy drink:

  • 1 cup vodka
  • 1/2 cup cranberry juice
  • 1/2 cup mango juice
  • 1/2 cup orange juice
  • 1 cup ice cream

Blend it all up with ice…unless you have to sell the blender.

Aquarius, it’s time to take someone to dinner—maybe an old friend, maybe someone you meet in the brandy aisle at the liquor store. You’ll hit it off in a big way and end up naked. The next morning while you’re lounging around in an ill-fitting thong with your new friend, Jehovah’s Witnesses will come to your door. Invite them in. You must have some brandy left, and the conversation will be fun.

Pisces, you have a very deviant sex life, but it’s not satisfying you these days. Could you be looking for true love? The stars have lots of options for you (Capricorn, Pisces, Cancer), but they’re not all into your kinks. They don’t like that bit involving peanut butter and the dog, and they draw the line at letting your relatives watch. Cheer up, you can still pour the Hypnotiq, Malibu, and vodka, and there’ll be no hard feelings.

ASTROLIQUOR for Feb. 8–14—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, it’s not an Absinthe-induced hallucination: someone you once briefly groped in a public restroom wants to see you again—years later. This may gratify your ego, but it should also remind you to have a wash. You can’t marinate in sambuca for a decade and expect that it won’t erupt from your fur pores. More importantly, after all this time you don’t know anything about your old fling. OMG, what star sign are you dealing with? Start creeping on Facebook and learn whatever you can; your reunion is in March.

Taurus, you usually figure out when someone’s going to prank you, but this week you have your head up your ass and miss the cues. That’s what comes of a headful of rum/Amaretto/Jagermeister, but it sure is worth it, although like Aries, you may want to investigate the bathtub a little more often. Not that I’d blame you if you didn’t—but the stars are calling for “hook-ups on public transit” this week.

Take extra precautions this week, Gemini, in terms of both the banal (eat “healthy”) and the exotic (stay out of lightning storms). Translation: no cream in your Kahlua/no naked streaking through a stormy field. Further translation: the stars aren’t going to let you do shit this week. The small consolation is that, if you end up getting hit by a car, the driver will be attractive.

Cancer, if a Scorpio offers you help with a project, accept it. Scorpios are shrewder than Cancers, even if they don’t have the patience to mix a  chocolate martini. You might be the exception, but then again you might not, so take the help because it will pay off big-time, and the stars aren’t doing anything for you with the lottery.

Leo, you get political this week, which is a refreshing change for the friends who’ve had to watch you lurch around on a whisky-and-chartreuse bender. Find a cause and pursue it, but don’t expect too many people to follow you; they’re not used to you being able to walk straight, never mind leading a movement. Make sure you ignore all criticism this week.

Virgo, your mission this week is to bar-hop until you find some interesting new friends. Choose the most superficial people you can find; you’ll have more fun that way, and they’ll be open-minded about rum-and-vodka breakfasts. Remember: it all starts with getting out of bed. If you don’t get out of your jammies, you won’t have any fun this week, and you might end up watching a bunch of philosophy lectures on YouTube.

Libra, although you feel social this week, you don’t feel like being honest. This won’t improve your standing with friends—they’ll know perfectly well you’re talking a load of vodka-fueled crap and cast you out of their circle for douchebaggery. Maybe you should stick to large groups of relative strangers and talk about neutral topics rather than poisoning existing friendships. Or you could just create some kind of internet identity and talk crap that way. (OMG! who would do that?)

Your relationship is feeling very serious, Scorpio. Right now it seems impervious to sexual rivalry—not just because your partner’s devoted to you, but because you have eyes for no other. But look out; you know how the stars like to mess with that shit. A Cancer will need your help with a project (finding the perfect proportion of Bacardi Peach and Southern Comfort, perhaps), and although this Cancer isn’t very smart, he/she will make your knees weak. So look out, Scorpio—by Sunday night all your stuff could be on the lawn.

Sagittarius, some heavy shit happens to your relationship and/or finances and you have to live outside for a while. You’ll have to read this horoscope at the library (don’t forget!), and you may want to invest in a flask or portable bar. Before you get kicked out of your home, make sure you grab some triple sec, vodka, and grenadine. Go out with class.

Pressure is building in your head, Capricorn, so make sure you go apeshit on the weekend with some tropical drinks. Think Malibu, Captain Morgan, Kahlua, and a bucket of pina colada mix. Then you’ll need to go outside, possibly naked, and find new friends. Your body will appreciate being unfettered by pent-up hostility and clothing.

Aquarius, this is the perfect week to redecorate and make your home more comfy. Be sure to shop for furnishings before you slam a blenderful of spiced rum, Blue Curacao, and Bacardi 151, though—your taste in home decor is markedly different when you’re not slurring your words, and you’ll end up spending less money. Bonus: the IKEA staff won’t have to call the police.

Pisces, a personal problem distracts you this week from helping others. Friends think you’re being a dick, but you’re really just mooning over an impossible crush. If you let this consume you, you won’t be able to help a dear friend who really needs you right now. Of course you’re not that useful anyway when you’re full-to-the-eyeballs with dark rum and Frangelico.

ASTROLIQUOR for February 1–6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, this week offers you the chance to ditch a couple of people who’ve been bugging you. You could do a Facebook friend cull, which wouldn’t require any diplomacy, or you could behave like a typical Aries and pick a fight. Totally up to you. Meanwhile, mind your pennies, hit your boss up for a raise, and ignore anybody’s advice, no matter where it comes from (this space excepted). And if your boss says “Pack your things,” that’s the time to throw a punch. BTW, your drink is punch: Hawaiian Punch with Jack Daniel’s.

Taurus, your intuition is right on the money this week. In fact, people are asking you for advice. Now’s the time to start your own psychic counselling service. Did you know Sylvia Browne charges $850 a reading, and she thought Mitt Romney would win the U.S. election? Holy crap, you don’t even have to be right more than 50% of the time to make a shitload of money “helping” people—and the stars say you should do it! They also say you need a mint daiquiri, so get out the rum and Cointreau.

Always sociable, Gemini, you will have more than your share of interesting discussions this week—mostly about other people’s dirty laundry. Amazingly, no one is shocked by your sordid questions. (Are they all as loaded on Hennessey and peach schnapps as you?) You have a gift for looking someone right in the eye and asking, “Did you ever get that mole on your ass removed? It looked just like Rick Santorum.”

Cancer, the week starts with a financial windfall—possibly the Lotto Max jackpot or a massive prize home. As delighted as you’ll be, you’ll finally have to confront the question: “Now that I can buy as much alcohol as I want, whenever I want, and I don’t have to work for money, nor do I even have to leave my show home … will I just spend every day ripped out of my head?” You might want to dry out for a week and think about it. (Or not.)

Leo, your mind turns to sunshine and debauchery, which always calls for tropical blender drinks. As you frappé rum, pineapple juice, coconut cream, and a banana, you think of all sorts of raunchy ideas. Not about your partner, though, so it’ll be an interesting week. You may be thinking, Well, it’s fine for me because I don’t have a partner.  But the stars are not here to help you; they’re here to mess your shit up, so your raunchy ideas will be about animals or siblings.

Virgo, this is a good week for contacting people and reheating old friendships. You are coming across as less superficial and more trustworthy than usual. You feel a genuine urge to take care of others—but be careful if you’re buying rounds at the bar; too much generosity could empty your wallet. Better to invite a few good friends over for dinner champagne and vodka. Add some cranberry juice; the stars say you have a bladder infection.

Libra, you’ll be assailed by technical glitches this week. Expect trouble from your cell phone, tablet, iPod, vibrator—you name it. Be especially cautious about downloading porn; experts at LBHQ tell me that’s the numero uno way to catch a virus. If you have to spend all your money cleaning your computer (and that means the keyboard too—use a towel), you’ll have nothing left in your bar but vermouth (which you could drink with some bitters, but wouldn’t some gin be nice too?).

With a headful of Chardonnay, you’re not going to come up with any good answers this week, Scorpio. Ask friends for solutions to life’s problems. They may surprise you with their innovative thinking and/or just camp out at your house and finish your Southern Comfort. And the stars? They’re random as all hell for you: Write a long, rambling email to your oldest friend. Do not ride the bus at all between now and Valentine’s Day or you will certainly get involved with a weirdo.

Sagittarius, you’ll have the impulse to visit an old Leo friend—someone who tolerates you about once a year. Once upon a time you two hooked up, then things got weird for years, but now all is cool…at least unless you start slamming beers and 80-proof vodka together. Keep your drink total under, say, eight, and your meeting will be uneventful. BTW, the stars think you should go to the gym.

Professionalism continues to take a backseat, Capricorn, as you lash out at co-workers over a shared project. Try giving them some space instead of pushing your opinions. At the very least this will win you some respect for your maturity. At best you’ll get to take credit for the project without having done much work. Nice going! Spend your bonus on rum and triple sec.

Aquarius, traffic is out to get you this week. Don’t do any extra driving or deviate from your habitual route. Likewise, dark clouds are gathering at work. Keep a low profile; you’re good at being invisible when you need to be. There are nasty co-workers out to get you (OMG! The stars are paranoid!). All of which means you should save that big ol’ box of cheap white wine until AFTER you get safely home.

Pisces, invite your friends and family over for a nice home-cooked meal. FYI, this does not mean groundhog or raccoon or possum. Spend a little money to make a pleasant meal for your guests. Your generosity will thrill them and it will be good for you too. Who knows? Maybe they will show up with armloads of Jagermeister, rum, and DeKuyper Razzmatazz, making your outlay for supermarket ingredients a good investment.