COINTREAU. Almost as good straight up as Grand Marnier, although still not the “tumbler” drink that vodka or gin is. I like Cointreau when I’m already half-cut and have the DTs under control. And of course it goes great in a Cosmo. RECOMMEND.

JELL-O SHOOTERS. Whether it’s sliding down your throat or filling your bathtub, alcoholic jell-o should be an integral part of your life. RECOMMEND.

MIKE’S HARD LEMONADE. As a four-year-old bear, I feel I’m in the target market for this soft-drink-plus. Unfortunately any alcohol flavour is virtually hidden under the candy-lemon taste, but the stuff sneaks up on you and wrecks you if you have enough, so I do RECOMMEND it.

TRANSUBSTANTIATION!!! Why have we not mastered this indispensable process? Come on, scientists, apply yourselves! We KNOW it can be done; the Bible SAYS so.

OUZO. Tastes as good coming up as it did going down. RECOMMEND, although it stains my fur.

What kind of person drinks tonic without gin??? My dad, that’s who.

HENKELL TROCKEN. I died a little inside one Thanksgiving when my mum poured this over a turkey. It’s not for that, people!!! It’s citrusy and dry with good acidity. RECOMMEND drinking it.

GRAND MARNIER. Not even a functional alcoholic such as myself should drink a whole bottle of this cloying stuff in one go, but there’s nothing wrong with incorporating it into seven or eight different shooters and pounding them while you watch your fave TV show. This is what I would do most nights if my parents did not insist on spoiling my fun. RECOMMEND.

ST.REMY NAPOLEON BRANDY VSOP. Sniff it, swirl it, drink it. This is cheap but not cheap shit — it’s pretty good! RECOMMEND in an extra-large snifter.

CREME DE MENTHE. It may remind you of your parents’ parties in the 70s, but this liqueur is seriously underrated. Put it in a 6/49 shooter to confuse your tastebuds and excite your gag reflex. RECOMMEND.

BACARDI BIG APPLE. Fulfills the sophomoric need to add *flavour* to perfectly good spirit. Counteract this dilution of the general spirit of drinking by opening this bottle before work. RECOMMEND.

FRANGELICO. Going to work? Put some of this in your travel coffee mug. It will knock the socks off that flavoured shit you can buy at Safeway, and make your boss more tolerable. RECOMMEND.

KAHLUA. Another liqueur that goes with simply everything. There isn’t one liquid I can think of that doesn’t combine well with Kahlua. RECOMMEND.

Sometimes Penelope puts me in a dress. I’m okay with it.

CAROLANS CREAM LIQUEUR. Slightly thinner and less cloying than that other Irish cream this wants to be, it nevertheless makes a perfectly good Brain Hemorrhage (mix with Peach Schnapps and Grenadine), and is a pretty good knock-off as long as you don’t drink the two Irish creams back to back (although of course I do that and throw in some Feeney’s for good measure). RECOMMEND.

MATEUS ROSE. A party in a bottle. Is that slight effervescence supposed to be there? Hell, I don’t know. Just gulp it down. RECOMMEND.

BABY DUCK. I thought this was just for children until I drank a whole bottle of it and ended up losing an evening. Sweet, childish, poppy beverage — no wonder I got fooled. RECOMMEND.

BAILEY’S IRISH CREAM. If I didn’t have so many diverse imbibing preferences, I’d stay in bed all day and have people deliver me Bailey’s. Finally I’d reach 800 lbs and have to be air-lifted out of my house to the morgue. Yum. RECOMMEND.

HENDRICK’S GIN. Confusing, unexpected flavours such as cucumber suggest this gin was concocted for designer-type gadflies with low attention spans and purported high IQs. Try with a wedge of cucumber instead of lime/lemon if you wish to join this esoteric world. RECOMMEND.

GODET. Yummy and sensual white chocolate liqueur, best saved for when the cast of “PornoValley” visits your house. RECOMMEND.

MALIBU. What doesn’t this go with? RECOMMEND.

… And when I told my mum she’s definitely an alcoholic like me, she said, “Well, I guess we both have to dry out then.” So that didn’t work out very well for me.