I thought every day was Margarita Day

OMG, I had no idea until Facebook told me (don’t you love the way FB creeps you to find your interests?) that it was

MARGARITA DAY

It’s true, my fellow inebriates, it’s a real thing. So get out the tequila and triple sec plus some fruit if you really want the vitamins…and blend away your troubles. Margarita Day is the best idea ever. Almost as good as “Margarita Morning,” don’t you think?

margarita-day

My mother is the antichrist

My mum took my Canadian Cream liqueur and baked it into a cake for Scarybear’s birthday. This goes against everything I thought we stood for—allowing good alcohol to burn off in a hot oven.

I loved that liqueur.

I loved that Canadian Cream.

I tried to stop her but she said, “Buddy, no one was drinking that liqueur.”

“But there was nothing wrong with it!”

She just shrugged. “It was taking up space in the fridge.”

“We could have drunk it!”

Another shrug. “I know. It smelled fine when I put it in the cake.”

“Then why? Why???”

“I just couldn’t work up an urge to drink it. And neither could your dad.”

“Why???”

“It might have had something to do with the branding, LB.”

Helping further grade two science

My Fellow Inebriates,

Miss P’s science project on the planet Venus is due in two days and we are starting to panic. Well, not me, and not really P… Really just Mum, who panics when the kids are two minutes late for school. If anyone ever needed a martini just before that morning walk, it’s our mother.

We’ve learned all kinds of crap about Venus today. I tried to help by compiling some of these boring facts and making them exciting.

  • venus5Venus is the only planet in the solar system to rotate clockwise. So the sun rises in the west and sets in the east. That’s why Venusians drink Tequila Sunsets at dawn and Tequila Sunrises at sundown.
  • A year on Venus (once around the sun) is 225 Earth days long, but a day on Venus (one rotation) is 243 days. Whoa! So, like, you’d get less excited about having a birthday on Venus than you would about having, well, a day. If you ask me (and no one has) this would be a real mind-f#ck and just one additional reason to spend your Venusian life ripped out of your head.
  • Venus is super-hot because of its thick, insulating cloud layer. Venusians almost never drink hot toddies; they are more the G&T type. In fact, they might be the reason my local booze shop has been out of Broker’s Gin for so long.
  • There are tons of volcanos on Venus. Plus super-high atmospheric pressure. All the more reason to seek refreshing beverages.
What? Lots of people think there's life on Venus...

What? Lots of people think there’s life on Venus…

Thus was I coaching P until Mum overheard and told me to get lost. She said, for the last time, there are no damn Venusians and if anyone starts screaming from the bunkbed tonight about aliens it will be my fault and she will volunteer me as the “comfort animal” indefinitely. OMG!