ASTROLIQUOR for May 4-10—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, deep down you really want to fall in love. Luckily for you the stars are lining up to grant your wish. Sometime between now and June you’ll fall head over heels in a sickening, poetry-writing, gooey romance. Of course ouzo and vodka will be involved, but it’s still the real deal! So get ready to tell your spouse about it and lawyer up.

Taurus, although you’re good at putting friends and family to work, you have trouble accepting help from strangers. This week you have to go outside your comfort zone, however, and recruit a colleague for an important task. Although this person has historically been a dick to you, he/she can be loosened up with some Red Bull and rum. Don’t think of it as taking advantage—you’re building karma for your coworker, so pass the flask.

Those psychiatric sessions are paying off, Gemini, balancing your emotions and turning you into something of a charmer. On your habitual drunken early-bird visit to a garage sale you discover that both an Aries and an Aquarius are taken with you. What a lovely dilemma! Make sure you follow your heart—when your head is full of cognac and vodka it’s too easy to pick randomly.

You’re in good spirits this week, Cancer, having solved a few nagging mental problems and discovered unknown inner strengths. You’re learning not to compare yourself to others, and to appreciate Canadian Club even when your neighbor is reeling around his yard with Crown Royal. You’ll have a nice flirtation with someone this week, but I’d leave that neighbor alone.

Leo, look carefully at your text messages and emails this week. Every communique, no matter how terse, contains subtext. Understandably subtext gets lost when you’ve spent the day sipping from a jug of Bailey’s, Goldschlager, and creme de menthe, but try to pay attention. In particular a colleague may be seeking your approval. It’s just good politics to play along.

You have a thing for an Aries, Virgo, even though you don’t actually like this person. This bad situation gains unfortunate traction from an ever-present travel mug of amaretto-and-Bailey’s coffee that you replenish furtively from a makeshift bar under your cubicle desk. Perhaps you should get some air before you decide to visit the supply closet with your Aries friend. No car keys for you!

Libra, you’re contemplating a self-improvement program featuring long walks. Not only will this make your body fit; your brain will benefit as well. Pickled as you’ve been all winter, you should gain some clarity pretty fast! It’s a new dawn for you, being sober throughout the day, but don’t forget to reward yourself later with some Irish cream and butterscotch schnapps.

Fear and hope take turns swooping in on you this week, Scorpio. You don’t have the funds to bail you out if your current business plan goes pear-shaped, but what the hell—you’re used to living this way. Not too many people have the stomach to hang with you, and that’s not a bad thing. Gambling looks dangerous this week, so stay inside and mix something up:

  • 2 oz bourbon
  • 2 oz vodka
  • 2 oz Tia Maria
  • 2 oz grapefruit juice

Sagittarius, the world looks very pretty this week. Your positive energy is at a peak, so how about a joyful blender drink?

  • 3 oz peach schnapps
  • 3 oz raspberry liqueur
  • 3 oz Frangelico
  • 3 oz cream
  • 1.5 cups vanilla ice cream
  • 4 oz raspberry jam

Puree that business up and let it cool your brain. You may need a walk afterwards, but the world will still be pretty—just spinning too.

Impetuous you’re not, Capricorn—at least not usually, but there are some weird stars in your chart causing you to be extra-gregarious and generally unprofessional. For instance, any cube farm worker knows vodka makes the best odor-free flask drink. So why is yours full of brandy and creme de menthe? Nobody’s gonna believe you just brushed your teeth. Watch out or you’ll need a box for all your stuff!

Aquarius, you normally enjoy risk and danger but sadly you’re having trouble finding it. Superfluous energy torments you, causing you to hit on drunken Geminis at early-morning garage sales and generally bother people of all star signs. Meanwhile, a Sagittarius is bothering you, out-talking you even and making you uncomfortable. Chill out and avoid a fight. Cherry brandy for you.

Pisces, people think you’re pretty down-to-earth. But this week you go nuts and freak out at your family. It might be an intervention or some such gathering where emotions tend to run high. Then again, it might be a wedding or a funeral. Whatever the event is, expect to be escorted away from it quite forcefully, perhaps while vomiting vodka.

OK SPRING 1516 BAVARIAN LAGER—Fantasy beer for the shackled

I spent the afternoon somewhat compromised.

Abandoned like a piece of prey to be carved up later, I had only positive thoughts to sustain me.

At first I tried to remember the most sublime alcoholic product I’d ever had, but then it occurred to me that I wouldn’t want to create a permanent association between my pre-K torture and say, some fantastically mind-blowing whisky. Plus I was thirsty. So I focused my thoughts on something refreshing but average.

A couple of months ago we bought an Okanagan Spring sampler pack. Of the four beers it included I forgot to review one, which came raging back into memory as I lay shackled by a hair bauble: 1516 BAVARIAN LAGER, brewed to commemorate Duke Wilmhelm IV’s 1516 declaration of the Bavarian Purity Law, or Reinheitsgebot.

Okanagan Spring’s 1516 BAVARIAN LAGER conforms to this historic law, being constituted of nothing but barley, hops, yeast, and water. (Which makes me wonder what the other beers in the OK Spring line-up contain.) Clear straw-yellow with a full paw of foam, it gives off a hayfield aroma—slightly malty and lightly hoppy without any attention-grabbing characteristics.

On the palate 1516 BAVARIAN LAGER follows through with uncomplicated hoppiness and malt plus snappy carbonation. Crisp and light, it’s definitely a summer player—a beer you’d pound quickly from a paper bag at the beach, for instance, before it warmed up and became less palatable (or before the cops arrived and seized your cooler). 1516 BAVARIAN LAGER is a decent, serviceable lager, but not particularly memorable, although it could be if you were in an extended hostage situation and overwhelmed by thirst.

HOMEMADE VINO—Another reason to go live with my grandparents

My Fellow Inebriates,

My grandparents are party animals. When they toured Italy last May they found a grocery store with a bunch of wine-dispensing machines, much like household water dispensers—but full of vino.

“The wine is cheap and good… We bought a 1L carton off the shelf. It was called Red Wine lol and tasted much like a Canadian Pinot Nero.. it cost….are you ready for this??? €,65, that is about $.95 Canadian.”

Then in October, not sated with giant Italian wine dispensing machines, they took a Californian wine tour—a bearless tour, if you can believe they would neglect yours truly that way. When they returned they had, I can just imagine, several near-housewrecker parties at their house for all their friends. They are serious thrill seekers, my Nana and Papa. That’s probably why Nana needed a new knee—she wore hers out partying.

I totally admire my grandparents’ lifestyle, and I was delighted when they brought us this bottle of homemade hooch on their last visit to LBHQ. It is, I believe, some kind of red wine. Why my parents haven’t opened it yet is a mystery. Papa did say it tasted like kit wine, which may have deterred everybody from putting the corkscrew to work.

I think it’s a travesty that my parents haven’t opened that bottle yet. What’s needed is some faith in Nana and Papa’s wine-making ability—best demonstrated by pulling the cork and pouring some glasses.

You’d open it, wouldn’t you?