Do liquorstore bears have mothers?

I don’t have any pre–liquor store memories. Self-awareness came on the liquor store shelf, next to countless bears just like me, all for sale (two for $10, one goes home with you and the other goes to charity). So I don’t remember any mama bear in my life.

I wonder what happened to my mother. What was she like?

Wayne R Bilenduke/Stone/Getty Images

Polar bear mothers are so focused on the cubs that they don’t even eat during the winter—all their resources go to their offspring. I don’t think my mother was polar bear. But if she had been, she would have protected me for two years—I never would have got to live in the liquor store.

Photograph by Norbert Rosing

Black bear mothers will fight to the death for their cubs. I doubt my mother was a black bear. If she had been, we would have roamed around eating garbage, grass, and (OMG!) insects. I would never have got to live at the liquor store.

Grizzly mama bears spend over three years training their cubs how to map out territory and find food. When grizzly cubs sense danger, they run to their mothers (black bear cubs run to the trees). I don’t have any survival instincts whatsoever, so I’m thinking my mother wasn’t a grizzly.

Photo: Alaska Stock Images

Brown bears like posing for photographs. Maybe my mother was a brown bear.

We’ll just never know. But it looks like I missed out on living in the wild, hibernating, eating bugs, getting shot by Sarah Palin, never getting to watch Breaking Bad…

And my adoptive mum shared a beer with me last night, which makes her okay in my book.

 

Pursuing the elusive six-pack

My Fellow Inebriates,

Every so often it dawns on me that my parents really don’t love me. After I tried to recruit four-year-old Miss V to open my mescal bottle on Wednesday, the suspicion grew stronger still. Words like “unwholesome” and “dissolute” were used. I grew paranoid (more so than usual) and wondered whether I should attempt some small reform.

Just then I accidentally clicked on Men’s Health: The World’s Most Efficient Workout.

For one insane second, this article seemed like a good idea. The “density workout” is recommended three times a week.

Now, I’m an idiot, but I’m not that kind of idiot. I know this will be the one time I ever try this nutty plan. Here goes.

The first exercise is the Pushup. They show this model dude doing it. Hands shoulder-width apart, feet together, body straight.

Does he look happy, though? I’m not sure.

I can get into position, I think…

The up-and-down part—not so much.

Next: Reverse Lunge and 1-Arm Press.While holding these dumbbells you have to step back, then press the dumbbells up. Switch sides while lowering the dumbbells.

I can’t even figure out how to hold onto dumbbells without thumbs. I have to wrap my whole paw around them. Screw it! No dumbbells. Dumbbells are for meat-heads.

This is madness. Seriously, too many variables.

Okay, here’s where I make a judgment call and skip 10 exercises, making the World’s Most Efficient Workout just a tad more efficient and considerably less dangerous for yours truly.

There aren’t many exercises on the list that I don’t find terrifying, but I don’t feel finished. I haven’t done my show muscles, my guns. Time for a Biceps Curl.

Arggghhhh!! Holy shit!!

I am a total washout at working my muscles. But at least I can get some six-pack abs.

This dude looks so happy. Look how cut his abs are. I bet he walks around shirtless all the time. Let’s give it a go.

Or not. Holy crap, my fellow inebriates, this working out business is all wrong. The only thing that isn’t wrong is the term six-pack.

ASTROLIQUOR for May 11-17—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Expect to hear some nasty gossip about you and your family this week, Aries, spreading feverishly through your circle. So vitriolic is the rumor that it might take until July to refute it. Then in August you’ll find out who dissed you. You won’t be inviting this A-hole to your midsummer housewrecker! Too bad you’re so broke. You’ll be serving mainly leftover Malibu if you can get a friend to help you open the bottle.

Taurus, you need to keep a low profile this week, especially around decision makers. If you mouth off, you may find yourself on the curb holding a box of office supplies. Sadly this means you’ll have to go to work sober for a while. Wait until you get home to break out the giant box of red wine.

There’s not enough of you to go around, Gemini, but it’s flattering to have so many colleagues asking you for help. Your charisma and energy are high—it’s a good time to take the lead. Tell everyone to chill out about work and take a booze break. If you pool all the hidden alcohol in your office you should be able to find vodka, melon liqueur, and peach schnapps. Throw it into a bowl with whatever juice you can find in the communal fridge and voila: easy work day.

Time for something completely different, Cancer. Lose the TV remote and go outside with a picnic basket. OMG, you say, that sounds fantastic! What shall I put in the basket? Ahhhhh….

  • White rum
  • Sweet sherry
  • Tawny port
  • Drambuie
  • Gingerale (optional)

Now, we could mess around with proportions, etc., but I suggest just taking all the bottles and mixing them up in random ways. But be forewarned: this is the sort of picnic that attracts bears.

Leo, in every sense you are on this week. Work, love, and family are all thriving, and you can expect to attract a special new (platonic) friend this week. Make an effort not to be a tool and this person could become a lifetime friend. So don’t pretend that’s not vodka with amaretto in your flask. Share it around.

For some reason you’re being a jerk to a close friend, Virgo, even though you hotly deny it when accused. Like most neurotics you think you’re acting very rationally, but “rational” doesn’t usually go hand in hand with a headful of gin. Try to delay drinking until after work, then cut that gin with some tonic and peppermint schnapps. If, after that behavior mod, you’re still a jerk, you can blame the stars.

Libra, career is featured strongly, with management noticing your achievements. Just ignore the critics on the sidelines. Just because they can’t do a PowerPoint presentation while hammered on gin and blackberry brandy… As superheroic as you are at work, however, your personal life sucks! Try to at least be sober in the morning hours.

If you’re signing a new mortgage or financial contract, Scorpio, this is the time to get it done. Your stars shift to a sinister position within two weeks, and someone will try to con you. Exactly how this all shakes out is hard to picture right now. It’s hard to picture anything when you’re clinging to the bathroom floor after ralphing Jack Daniel’s and Goldschlager into the toilet.

Sagittarius, pay attention; there’s a Leo watching you with interest, and if you miss the signals you could miss out on a party. As inattentive as you seem to be about potential hook-ups, you’re even more oblivious to how well you’re doing at work. Congratulations—you’re in the career catbird seat and you don’t even know how you got there. Evidently Bacardi 151 makes you behave more professionally.

Go out every night this week, Capricorn, and you’ll be sure to make some new friends. One of these will stick and turn into a longterm friendship or even a romantic partnership. If this is too much pressure, load your brain up with vodka before going out. Just leave the car keys at home.

Aquarius, the chances of a relationship split are high right now owing to a weird constellation exerting more influence than usual. Whatever you might do that matters, do NOT do it on Thursday. In fact, don’t do anything on Thursday! Call in sick and pound some cheap Scotch. By the time you sober up and sort out your hangover (Saturday), the danger will have passed.

Pisces, try hard this week not to get swindled. You look gullible! No lending money unless you can afford to lose it. No picking up the tab for drinks, no matter how earnestly friends promise to get the next one. Your only ally this week will be a Capricorn who thinks you’re a dupe but likes you anyway. Unexpectedly this person may want to get with you, so ease off on the Kahlua, vodka, Bailey’s, and creme de menthe or you’ll end up just cuddling.