Just about every morning, usually while the kids are getting ready for school, I pose the question: “When can I start drinking?”

If you can relate to this, you’ll be happy to pull yourself out of that crusty vomit puddle on the floor and look at the calendar. Because—OMG!—this week it’s Mardi Gras!

Also called Shrove Tuesday or Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras is the last hurrah before Lent, the 40-day period before Easter that Christians earmark for piety, devotion, and giving up luxuries such as booze. This makes Lent terrifying for bears like me, and that’s why we have to get as much fun as we can out of Mardi Gras.

How do we do that?

Glad you asked, my fellow inebriates. Fully one hundred percent of my past efforts to put a bottle or two on the breakfast table have failed. My parents disagree that vodka would mix nicely into Earl Grey tea, or Sambuca into Starbucks. I mean, you’ve heard it all before—my parents just don’t have any sense of adventure.

But they do like stuffing their faces with pancakes… And pancakes just happen to be the traditional Mardi Gras food.

Now, I’m not gonna kid you. There’s no way I’m making pancakes.

1. No solid foods here.
2. The stove is TERRIFYING. I look kind of like an oven mitt.

So let’s just make the syrup:

INGREDIENTS

1 cup water

1 and ⅓ cups sugar

⅔ cup brown sugar

1 Tbsp. whisky (I’m using Laphroaig Single Malt Quarter Cask—don’t tell my dad)

1 tsp. maple extract (or imitation maple flavoring)

INSTRUCTIONS

 

Okay, so… instructions call for heating on the stove. Too scary. But for you solid-food eaters, I highly recommend visiting lifeasastrawberry.com and seeing for yourself how to make this delicious syrup. I’m doing it without setting myself on fire, thanks very much.

Hmmm.

It’s a little crunchy. You probably really should heat this stuff up. You know, melt the brown sugar. Huh. Or whatever, just have the Laphroaig for breakfast. Sounds like the very definition of Mardi Gras.