vodka

ASTROLIQUOR for Jan. 13-19—what the stars say you should drink

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You haven’t been following your instincts, Aries, and you’re stuck. Start making some discreet queries about moving upward or onward in your career. But don’t be distracted from your love life. Your partner is hitting the bottle hard, and if you don’t catch up there’ll be none left for you. Don’t smash that vodka bottle fighting; share it between you nicely, and stretch it out by adding some Frangelico, Bailey’s and creme de cacao.

Taurus, you’ve been a great team player lately and people are eager to reward you with bar drinks. Say yes, but don’t take excessive advantage—i.e., don’t make them clean up your vomit later. Throwing up is somewhat inevitable when you go overboard combining dark rum and triple sec, so at least aim for the toilet when it all comes back up.

This is going to be a drama-free week, Gemini. Find a good book and stock up on your favorite spirits—I’m thinking tequila and and vodka in equal parts. Ignore the chores, but not to the point where your house is uncomfortable. (If you barf on the floor you should clean it up.)

Go out for a feast on Saturday with somebody you care about, Cancer. You need people around to remind you that you are special, and to prevent you from going on a bender alone. Sure, you have the urge to drink a punch bowl full of vodka, but it’s so much more fun with a friend, isn’t it? No driving for you this week! You will be perma-drunk and accident-prone.

You have a social week ahead, Leo, with calls from new acquaintances who want to get to know you. Don’t ignore them. New friends represent an opportunity to reinvent yourself. New friends have never seen you with your underwear on your head. If you’re unsure what to pour for them, try cognac or some tawny port—or both; these drinks are elegant right up until the moment you lose control.

Such a slacker at work, Virgo! Your coworkers are starting to call you on tasks you slough off on them. Time to reach into your desk and share your apple brandy flask. This will temporarily endear you to them and buy you some more time to play Bejeweled or grope yourself or whatever you like to do at work.

Libra, your colleagues are talking behind your back. It won’t come to anything, so just ignore it and continue spiking your coffee with Bailey’s, Kahlua and butterscotch liqueur. Obviously they’re jealous of your nonchalance. This week isn’t especially lucky, but you might win something the next.

You can function again in groups, Scorpio. In fact, you’re pretty gregarious and may make some long-lasting friends this week. Not love material, mind you—it’s hard to find someone who really gets you and your thing for tequila with Galliano. I’d say control yourself on Thursday, but a bar fight is pretty much in the cards.

Sagittarius, you make your friends uncomfortable when you describe your intimacies in graphic detail. Some of them are so repelled that they will stage an intervention this week. What a perfect opportunity to serve alcohol. Try this mixture:

  • 2 cups gin
  • 1 cup creme de cassis
  • 4 cups vodka
  • Sprite, tonic and lime juice to taste

Pour it into a big bowl with ice. If your friends protest that you’ve hijacked their intervention, you get it all to yourself.

You know what your problem is and how to tackle it, Capricorn, but still you haven’t begun! It’s genuinely difficult to get started when you can’t even stand up, and Bacardi has had a lot to do with that lately. It goes well with triple sec and raspberry liqueur, doesn’t it? I like it that way for breakfast.

Aquarius, your life is about to change dramatically, and for the better. You will discover new strengths you didn’t know you had. Your tolerance for alcohol is unbelievable! You put it away day and night, starting with Grand Marnier in your morning coffee and moving on from there. Basically, you are my hero this week.

Pisces, people have it in for you this week. Oh no! The best thing is to pretend they are not there. If it’s hard to practice avoidance, dull your senses with a trippy beverage—maybe Guinness with Jagermeister in it. This will give you bad indigestion and remind you of the homemade booze you used to make in prison.

ASTROLIQUOR for Jan. 6-12—what the stars say you should drink

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You have a lot of personal problems, Aries, but the outside world is even more messed up, which should give you some perspective. Distract yourself by redecorating your house. You’ll get the most interesting results if you do this drunk (but please, no power tools). This drink should inspire you:

  • 3 oz banana schnapps
  • 1 oz peach schnapps
  • 1 oz strawberry schnapps
  • Splash orange juice
  • Splash grenadine

Mix the first three, then add the last two. This might not be enough alcohol, in which case try doubling the recipe.

Taurus, you’ve often been the designated driver lately, a fact you’re starting to resent. If you can’t foist this duty off on somebody else (somebody responsible), stay home and drink Tequila Rose. Sometimes it’s best to drink alone, especially when you’re feeling taken advantage of.

Charities have started hitting you up for money, Gemini. That’s okay, as long as you believe in their goals. But if you find yourself short on drinking money, you might want to help out in non-financial ways, such as letting a drug addict stay at your house or stripping for the elderly. If altruism is wearing you out, relax with a hard-hitting drink—maybe some Bacardi 151 mixed with amaretto and Bailey’s.

You could do with some excitement, Cancer. Sometimes you need to force the issue and seek out uncomfortable situations. The best way to do this is in a drunken state so your judgment can’t impede any potential thrills. Look for weird people to hang out with; they’re often very accepting, and they might enjoy an exotic drink or two. Here’s a start:

  • 2 oz creme de cassis
  • Splash lime cordial
  • 4 oz Absolut Kurant
  • Splash raspberry juice
  • 1 cup lemonade (or none if you prefer)

Make a slushy in your blender. Everybody likes slushies, and they’ll like you for making them one.

Friday is a big day for your love life, Leo, which means you should probably have a bath. Get ready to impress—this person could be your soul mate, which calls for a special drink. Shake copious but equal amounts of vodka, maple liqueur, Irish cream, creme de cacao, white chocolate liqueur, dark chocolate liqueur together with ice. Add half-and-half cream to taste. This is a great drink to share in bed, but if you make a habit of it you’ll need to be airlifted out of bed one day like those people on Maury Povich.

I see a fling with an exciting foreigner for you, Virgo, but don’t pin any long-term hope on this hook-up. Just enjoy his/her eclectic drink tastes and expand your horizons. Just for sport, try mixing Bailey’s, sambuca and rootbeer. Wow! See who can drink the most of this unusual beverage. Just when you’re pissed to the point where you can’t speak, a valued old friend will call to report being cured of an incurable disease. Magic! Is it true or is it a hallucination?

Libra, one of your friends is really choked at you over something you didn’t actually do. This sucks, because it’s draining energy from what was once a valuable friendship. You need to work it out, and what better facilitator is there than alcohol? Start innocently with chocolate milk, then add some brandy to it. Before long you’ll be either swinging at each other or trading back rubs.

Do you plan to be an organ donor, Scorpio? Let’s hope not, because that liver is getting pickled. Best to enjoy the ride on planet earth, which means drinking all the Drambuie and Kahlua you want. You’re getting the urge to color your hair—go for it! The crazier the better. There will be one dissenter among your friends who feels the need to criticize it. Don’t give this person any Drambuie or Kahlua; he/she won’t appreciate it.

Sagittarius, relationships and chance meetings are featured this week. You’ll be bumping into people everywhere, and at least one of them will be into you. Whether this develops into something serious will depend on your particular level of flakiness. Regardless, alcohol will help you out of those clothes. I see a Malibu/vodka bender with some Frangelico for extra panache.

An acquaintance is jealous of you, Capricorn. This is very upsetting and threatens your relationship, whether it be work-related or personal. Try not to stew about it. Loosen up with a happy drink, such as Midori melon liqueur with apple juice and gingerale. Don’t overdo it, though, and make sure you stow the car keys away. This week calls for caution around anything with moving parts—especially if your jealous friend is at the controls. I know, I know, that’s really creepy, but it was in the stars.

Ditch the pastel shades, Aquarius, and go after the vivid life you deserve. Get rid of anything bland, including boring wardrobe items. Now’s the time to step outside your comfort zone. Go ahead, embarrass yourself a little. Find one of those People of Walmart to give you fashion inspiration. Those people are numerous and happy to exhibit their special ideas. Reward them with Bailey’s and butterscotch shots. If they barf on your carpet, well, doesn’t that just make your life more colorful?

Pisces, you’re getting a lot of appeals for help lately. Maybe you’re in social work; maybe you just don’t look very busy. Let the supplicants know you’ll only help for a little while—i.e., until you’re too drunk to care about them. The easiest way to abbreviate your charity work is to drink constantly. But be careful… One of the people bugging you is secretly in love with you. Expect an unusual gift—some Jagermeister or Goldschlager, for example, along with an invitation to share. Watch out for over-sharing, though! This person has chlamydia.

4 reasons why you need a Bloody Mary right now

My Fellow Inebriates,

Twelve hours of swilling amber ale, champagne, red wine and Malibu leads to several things:

  • a furry tongue (if it isn’t already)
  • massive dehydration (especially if you’re non-polyester-based)
  • a thundering headache

Spending half the night in jail never helps either.

realgirlskitchen.com

New Year’s Day is only tolerable with the hair of the dog. And if you still haven’t mixed yourself a Bloody Mary yet today, then you must be a masochist. Why try to convince yourself that bacon and eggs will solve the problem? Hair of the dog trumps pig flesh and every other hangover solution.

But why?

There are a few schools of thought:

  • A hangover is essentially withdrawal from alcohol. Replenishing your system with fresh vodka will effectively quell its cries of privation.
  • The worst hangover symptoms are caused by methanol, an alcohol congener and the principal culprit in darker drinks such as red wine and bourbon. Methanol is metabolized by alcohol dehyrogenase—but so is ethanol. In fact, your body favors ethanol as a substrate, so by feeding yourself some nice clear booze, you generate a processing uptick. Arguably you simply delay the inevitable hangover, but in an oh-so-pleasant way.
  • Alcohol causes a sugar spike and hypoglycemic low. Drinking more of it is the fastest route to a new sugar bounce and happy times again.
  • The hair of the dog is homeopathic—“like cures like.”

If it’s good enough for Nazareth, it’s good enough for me.