booze

ASTROLIQUOR for May 11-17—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Expect to hear some nasty gossip about you and your family this week, Aries, spreading feverishly through your circle. So vitriolic is the rumor that it might take until July to refute it. Then in August you’ll find out who dissed you. You won’t be inviting this A-hole to your midsummer housewrecker! Too bad you’re so broke. You’ll be serving mainly leftover Malibu if you can get a friend to help you open the bottle.

Taurus, you need to keep a low profile this week, especially around decision makers. If you mouth off, you may find yourself on the curb holding a box of office supplies. Sadly this means you’ll have to go to work sober for a while. Wait until you get home to break out the giant box of red wine.

There’s not enough of you to go around, Gemini, but it’s flattering to have so many colleagues asking you for help. Your charisma and energy are high—it’s a good time to take the lead. Tell everyone to chill out about work and take a booze break. If you pool all the hidden alcohol in your office you should be able to find vodka, melon liqueur, and peach schnapps. Throw it into a bowl with whatever juice you can find in the communal fridge and voila: easy work day.

Time for something completely different, Cancer. Lose the TV remote and go outside with a picnic basket. OMG, you say, that sounds fantastic! What shall I put in the basket? Ahhhhh….

  • White rum
  • Sweet sherry
  • Tawny port
  • Drambuie
  • Gingerale (optional)

Now, we could mess around with proportions, etc., but I suggest just taking all the bottles and mixing them up in random ways. But be forewarned: this is the sort of picnic that attracts bears.

Leo, in every sense you are on this week. Work, love, and family are all thriving, and you can expect to attract a special new (platonic) friend this week. Make an effort not to be a tool and this person could become a lifetime friend. So don’t pretend that’s not vodka with amaretto in your flask. Share it around.

For some reason you’re being a jerk to a close friend, Virgo, even though you hotly deny it when accused. Like most neurotics you think you’re acting very rationally, but “rational” doesn’t usually go hand in hand with a headful of gin. Try to delay drinking until after work, then cut that gin with some tonic and peppermint schnapps. If, after that behavior mod, you’re still a jerk, you can blame the stars.

Libra, career is featured strongly, with management noticing your achievements. Just ignore the critics on the sidelines. Just because they can’t do a PowerPoint presentation while hammered on gin and blackberry brandy… As superheroic as you are at work, however, your personal life sucks! Try to at least be sober in the morning hours.

If you’re signing a new mortgage or financial contract, Scorpio, this is the time to get it done. Your stars shift to a sinister position within two weeks, and someone will try to con you. Exactly how this all shakes out is hard to picture right now. It’s hard to picture anything when you’re clinging to the bathroom floor after ralphing Jack Daniel’s and Goldschlager into the toilet.

Sagittarius, pay attention; there’s a Leo watching you with interest, and if you miss the signals you could miss out on a party. As inattentive as you seem to be about potential hook-ups, you’re even more oblivious to how well you’re doing at work. Congratulations—you’re in the career catbird seat and you don’t even know how you got there. Evidently Bacardi 151 makes you behave more professionally.

Go out every night this week, Capricorn, and you’ll be sure to make some new friends. One of these will stick and turn into a longterm friendship or even a romantic partnership. If this is too much pressure, load your brain up with vodka before going out. Just leave the car keys at home.

Aquarius, the chances of a relationship split are high right now owing to a weird constellation exerting more influence than usual. Whatever you might do that matters, do NOT do it on Thursday. In fact, don’t do anything on Thursday! Call in sick and pound some cheap Scotch. By the time you sober up and sort out your hangover (Saturday), the danger will have passed.

Pisces, try hard this week not to get swindled. You look gullible! No lending money unless you can afford to lose it. No picking up the tab for drinks, no matter how earnestly friends promise to get the next one. Your only ally this week will be a Capricorn who thinks you’re a dupe but likes you anyway. Unexpectedly this person may want to get with you, so ease off on the Kahlua, vodka, Bailey’s, and creme de menthe or you’ll end up just cuddling.

ASTROLIQUOR for May 4-10—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, deep down you really want to fall in love. Luckily for you the stars are lining up to grant your wish. Sometime between now and June you’ll fall head over heels in a sickening, poetry-writing, gooey romance. Of course ouzo and vodka will be involved, but it’s still the real deal! So get ready to tell your spouse about it and lawyer up.

Taurus, although you’re good at putting friends and family to work, you have trouble accepting help from strangers. This week you have to go outside your comfort zone, however, and recruit a colleague for an important task. Although this person has historically been a dick to you, he/she can be loosened up with some Red Bull and rum. Don’t think of it as taking advantage—you’re building karma for your coworker, so pass the flask.

Those psychiatric sessions are paying off, Gemini, balancing your emotions and turning you into something of a charmer. On your habitual drunken early-bird visit to a garage sale you discover that both an Aries and an Aquarius are taken with you. What a lovely dilemma! Make sure you follow your heart—when your head is full of cognac and vodka it’s too easy to pick randomly.

You’re in good spirits this week, Cancer, having solved a few nagging mental problems and discovered unknown inner strengths. You’re learning not to compare yourself to others, and to appreciate Canadian Club even when your neighbor is reeling around his yard with Crown Royal. You’ll have a nice flirtation with someone this week, but I’d leave that neighbor alone.

Leo, look carefully at your text messages and emails this week. Every communique, no matter how terse, contains subtext. Understandably subtext gets lost when you’ve spent the day sipping from a jug of Bailey’s, Goldschlager, and creme de menthe, but try to pay attention. In particular a colleague may be seeking your approval. It’s just good politics to play along.

You have a thing for an Aries, Virgo, even though you don’t actually like this person. This bad situation gains unfortunate traction from an ever-present travel mug of amaretto-and-Bailey’s coffee that you replenish furtively from a makeshift bar under your cubicle desk. Perhaps you should get some air before you decide to visit the supply closet with your Aries friend. No car keys for you!

Libra, you’re contemplating a self-improvement program featuring long walks. Not only will this make your body fit; your brain will benefit as well. Pickled as you’ve been all winter, you should gain some clarity pretty fast! It’s a new dawn for you, being sober throughout the day, but don’t forget to reward yourself later with some Irish cream and butterscotch schnapps.

Fear and hope take turns swooping in on you this week, Scorpio. You don’t have the funds to bail you out if your current business plan goes pear-shaped, but what the hell—you’re used to living this way. Not too many people have the stomach to hang with you, and that’s not a bad thing. Gambling looks dangerous this week, so stay inside and mix something up:

  • 2 oz bourbon
  • 2 oz vodka
  • 2 oz Tia Maria
  • 2 oz grapefruit juice

Sagittarius, the world looks very pretty this week. Your positive energy is at a peak, so how about a joyful blender drink?

  • 3 oz peach schnapps
  • 3 oz raspberry liqueur
  • 3 oz Frangelico
  • 3 oz cream
  • 1.5 cups vanilla ice cream
  • 4 oz raspberry jam

Puree that business up and let it cool your brain. You may need a walk afterwards, but the world will still be pretty—just spinning too.

Impetuous you’re not, Capricorn—at least not usually, but there are some weird stars in your chart causing you to be extra-gregarious and generally unprofessional. For instance, any cube farm worker knows vodka makes the best odor-free flask drink. So why is yours full of brandy and creme de menthe? Nobody’s gonna believe you just brushed your teeth. Watch out or you’ll need a box for all your stuff!

Aquarius, you normally enjoy risk and danger but sadly you’re having trouble finding it. Superfluous energy torments you, causing you to hit on drunken Geminis at early-morning garage sales and generally bother people of all star signs. Meanwhile, a Sagittarius is bothering you, out-talking you even and making you uncomfortable. Chill out and avoid a fight. Cherry brandy for you.

Pisces, people think you’re pretty down-to-earth. But this week you go nuts and freak out at your family. It might be an intervention or some such gathering where emotions tend to run high. Then again, it might be a wedding or a funeral. Whatever the event is, expect to be escorted away from it quite forcefully, perhaps while vomiting vodka.

ASTROLIQUOR for April 27–May 3—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You realize you’ve spent the last two months in hell, Aries. Take heart; things are getting better, but you still have to work to avoid a bar fight. This week features new friendships—in particular, a new bond with someone eerily like yourself, which you think is awesome. In psychology circles we call this narcissism. The condition is further fueled by some work success. Your big danger right now is hubris and the associated bar brawl that typifies an Aries weekend. Stay home and teach yourself how to make an Irish coffee.

Taurus, that anxiety you’ve been feeling eases off this week. Now that you’re not afraid of getting reamed out at work, you speak freely—ahhh! A long-absent sense of personal sovereignty returns, and so does your inner hedonist. Do only things you really want to do! Indulge your creative side by messing around with some paint. Or, if you don’t feel like venturing into Walmart to buy paint, make yourself an Absolut Zero: two parts each of vodka, Kahlua, and cream to one part peppermint schnapps. Lovely! Your inner hedonist wants you to have ten of them.

It’s a comfort week, Gemini. You’re all about staying warm, cozy, and non-serious—and you’re on a mission to minimize work. With no patience for deep thought or conversation, you’ll be actively trivial for the foreseeable future. Jettison any tasks that matter and break out the Bacardi 151. Add equal parts brandy and peppermint schnapps, then light the whole thing on fire.

An Aquarian colleague is interested in you, Cancer. Even though this person is creepy, you feel drawn to explore the possibilities. It’s happened to you plenty of times—sheer horniness conquers logic and you end up humping in a closet. This isn’t the only arena where bad judgment will figure this week. You really ought not to drive at all, with all these rutting hormones confusing left from right for you. Oh yeah, and you’ll buy a lot of Hypnotiq for strangers at the pub.

Leo, don’t stew about your recent bad luck. Instead, find the idiots who brought it on you (Libra, Aquarius, or Leo) and let them have it. At least one of these people is a masochist who won’t mind an abusive tirade. After spending the week being an asshole, you’ll find love on Saturday. I see a lot of sherry and tequila involved.

You’ll meet new people this week, Virgo, which is a relief, because you’ve worn out your existing friends. So novel are these newcomers that you’ll feel free to be yourself. Careful! Forcing new friends to read your languishing screenplay is a sure-fire way to drive them off. Why not mix up some Southern Comfort with triple sec and listen to their stories? Just sayin’.

Libra, an industrious urge comes over you, leading you to volunteer every which way. Be careful! If you take on too much, you’ll end up as everybody’s bitch. There’s nothing wrong with the initial impulse, but you do have some douchey friends who’ll take advantage if you let them. In fact, douchey friends are going to come out of the woodwork soon. That’s because you’re finally going to complete your dream bar. It’ll have everything……rum, amaretto, Jager… But how will you pay for it? That’s easy. You’re going to win the lottery on Monday.

Not everyone gets your sense of humor, Scorpio. An acquaintance will try to one-up you this week in the prank department and be totally out of your league. Nothing is out of bounds for you; you’re fully capable of preparing an earthworm sandwich and watching your pal eat it. But there is a hazard to you. In your quest to win, you’ll overspend, leaving only enough cash for paint-thinner gin instead of Bombay Sapphire.

Sagittarius, this week it occurs to you that there are two people in the bed: the other person and you. When you ask your partner how you’re doing, you get an earful—oh, snap! That’s what comes of trying to perform after half a dozen bourbons. The good news is you’re talking about it. The bad news is you might need to modify your lifestyle a little. When it comes right down to it, life’s pretty good—someone offers you money this week for very little work. Yeah!

You get an uncomfortable surprise this week, Capricorn. In fact, everything that happens is a surprise because you’ll be spending 100% of the week hammered. The culprit is (typically) Captain Morgan. When you start drinking that shit on the bus to work, you might as well not show up. Your colleagues think you’re a total space cadet, but you can get away with it for a few days.

Aquarius, good things come in threes, so start counting. First, you’ll meet someone nice—either totally new or someone from your past. Second, work will go smoothly; you won’t even need to take a flask. Third, you’ll go liquor shopping and spend your whole paycheque. How awesome! Start with Jack Daniel’s and fill a shopping cart.

Pisces, you are charmingly oblivious to how offensive you are. That’s a real gift. It enables you to behave in a vacuum, unencumbered by considerations of others. What a perfect state of mind when you’re solo. But it gets better! You’ll meet someone who mirrors these tendencies exactly—perhaps even someone from your old cell block. So immediately connected are you that you almost read each other’s thoughts. When one of you thinks vodka and the other thinks gin, you combine the two.