beer

ASTROLIQUOR for May 18-24—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Your energy soars this week, Aries, making you the envy of colleagues—especially a Gemini. Fortunately you have distractions, such as one nagging little task you’ve always been too drunk to wrap your head around. This is a good week to sober up a little and tackle it properly. It may involve precise measurements or power tools, in which case you wouldn’t want to be cruising on anything stronger than lager.

Taurus, you’re working diligently for a change—confident, energetic, and ready to defend your decisions if necessary. A promotion is very likely if you keep on this path, so keep demonstrating your willingness to take on new work, and leave the flask at home for the time being. You can behave temporarily! Stay alert all day, then reward yourself with a nice expensive port or brandy when you get home.

This week features a psychotic break for you, Gemini, with gape-jawed friends and family wondering what the hell happened. It all springs from restlessness, but don’t bother trying to preempt it—it’s in the stars. The key thing is to recognize it and stay out of harm’s way when it happens. Here’s a recipe to keep you busy:

  • 3 oz rum
  • 3 oz vodka
  • 3 oz triple sec
  • 3 oz sloe gin
  • 3 oz Jim Beam
  • Whatever juice you have (optional)

This is a real creeper. Enjoy your week off!

You feel very settled and comfortable, Cancer. Avoid any adventures; this week is for gathering your strength and cultivating stability. Does this mean you can’t get loaded? Absolutely not! But no more reeling around at the bus shelter. Sip some Goldschlager or Bailey’s at a safe and leisurely pace after work.

Leo, expect to discover something worthwhile about yourself this week despite what colleagues and loved ones say. Perhaps you have a special gift such as mind reading or knitting. Now’s the time to develop it, but you might need a mentor. Is there someone you can load up with passion-fruit liqueur in exchange for coaching?

This week should be relaxing, Virgo, if you prevent yourself from being the source of your own stress. Try leaving on time for appointments so you don’t freak out thinking you’ll be late. Remember you’re not a victim! You’re the author of your own life. Be prepared for a hangover if you drink a vat of tequila and Midori melon. (Do it! Just buy some aspirin first.)

Libra, you’re in a self-defeating stop-and-go mode. There’s too much work on your plate for that right now. You have a resentful Virgo colleague trying to get you to slip up and/or take credit for your work, and if you don’t buckle down now, things will get nasty in August. Sorry, you can’t be constantly hammered until you manage your situation, but you can treat yourself now and then by putting a shot of Crown Royal in a vanilla milkshake.

Love and joy are in the stars, Scorpio. Play it right and you could build something lasting with an amorous Taurus. (Of course if you already have a partner you’ll have more drama than love and joy, but you don’t mind that.) Work goes smoothly this week. If anything, you’re staying too far under the radar. Let your boss know about your quirky, creative side—show up at all meetings with rum on your breath.

Sagittarius, that pessimistic cloud has dissipated, leaving you hopeful and energetic. It’s a good time to see family. Who knows, maybe they’ll come to see you in the form of an intervention. They might have mistaken your natural exuberance for drunkenness, especially with all those Skyy vodka empties lying around your yard.

The spiritual world is beckoning, even for the most skeptical Capricorn. Don’t be afraid—everyone breaks with rationality once in a while, and it looks good on you. Your newfound openness gives you more empathy and patience. You find yourself helping others, with no expectation of reciprocity. Is it because you’re perpetually blasted on brandy? Who knows—just enjoy it, because everyone likes you better this way.

Aquarius, you ignore your intuition this week in favor of rationality. (OMG, why are you reading your horoscope?) This leads to some very cold decisions that would have been better referred to your gut instinct. For instance, that Pisces you’ve been stalking… If you listened to your inner voice you’d know that he/she thinks you’re an idiot. Your inner voice told you to buy a bunch of lottery tickets too, and did you? That’s why nobody’s at your house with a giant cheque. Relax that left brain by putting whisky in your coffee the second you wake up.

Pisces, you find yourself missing an old friend who’s been out of the picture because of a disagreement. Yes, this person could call you, but don’t count on it. Stow your pride and take the initiative. Renewing the friendship will lead to some surprising revelations and maybe a good party. If you’re afraid of rejection, sweeten the invitation to get together with this awesome drink:

  • 6 oz vodka
  • 12 oz pineapple juice
  • Juice of 4 limes
  • Honey
  • 2 oz creme de menthe

Shake the first four ingredients up, pour over ice and add the creme de menthe. Pack that away and what is there to disagree about?

ESTRELLA DAMM INEDIT—As perplexing as a lightweight Ben Wa ball

Very occasionally my mum and her friends talk about interesting things, which makes me prick up my ears for tidbits that go beyond the ordinary childrearing conversational din. This happened today at the mention of Ben Wa balls, although the context and lead-up eluded me. One minute she and her two buddies were talking about some teacher-student spat; the next they were discussing marble-size balls that one might insert into oneself.

Needing to know more (while remaining deliberately blind to any context involving my mother), I hit the Internet. What on earth are these mysterious Ben Wa balls?

Turns out they have some very respectable medical uses (in which case they usually get renamed “Kegel exercisers”) as well as some hedonistic and even perplexing uses. You definitely need a cavity in which to place them, which makes my research strictly academic.

I know my fellow inebriates are very well informed about a host of subjects and therefore do not need a play-by-play description of how to thrust foreign objects into either nether region and then retrieve them. You all know how to do this, I’m sure. Unlike yours truly, you have healthy orifices that may or may not be receptive. So I can dispense with the obvious, which leaves (maybe arbitrarily) the following:

  • Insert one ball at a time; it’s not a race, people.
  • If a ball slips out in public, look around vapidly and say, “Oh look one of my kid’s bouncy balls—where did that come from? Does anyone have any jacks?” Then, if planning to surreptitiously slip it back in, give it a wash.
  • If a ball doesn’t want to slip out, try jumping around, bearing down, or forcing a sneeze. If you’re fearful they won’t ever come out, consider purchasing a retrieval cord. (Incidentally, this is a good option for rear-entry Ben Wa activity, in which—unlike front-entry Ben Wa activity—balls can go MIA indefinitely.)
  • The heavier the balls, the more likely they are to fall out. Latex ones are lighter than metal—but porous and less easy to clean. Metal ones clean up better but they do set off airport metal detectors.

If you didn’t gather it from the foregoing, or you’ve missed any previous laments about the fact, I do not have an anal cavity. Which means all this information is…a gift. If you find this gift dubious, then here’s a beer review:

ESTRELLA DAMM INEDIT, a Spanish one-off purchased by my dad, comes in a slick-looking bottle. The word “inedit” means “never been done before,” an always ominous phrase, especially when the beer in question sports no more than 4.8% alcohol. Nevertheless it comes in a big honking bottle promising a wheat-lager style mix-up with citrus topnotes and coriander supporting notes. This sounded like a decent gamble to my dad when he bought it, and it was in the sense that, as soon as my mum got one taste of it, she handed her half over. Dad got twice the beer he bargained for and probably ten times as much as he wanted. And me—I got swacked out of my head, which is what happens when either of my parents lets some undesirable booze languish on the counter.

What was so objectionable about ESTRELLA DAMM INEDIT? It pours hazy and straw-colored with little foam to speak of. Wafting lemon predominantly with yeast and coriander, its stated objective is to pair with “the most exquisite and challenging foods.” These include, per its marketing materials, asparagus. (Do you like “challenging” foods? Do you like foods that make your pee pungent? OMG, what effect would asparagus pee have on Ben Wa balls?)

My dad, even though he gutted it out and eventually finished the whole bottle of ESTRELLA DAMM INEDIT, thought it was a pretender—light, watery, and wheaty with some weird, competing fruit notes—like a wannabe Unibroue beer, except not.

I think any beer that offers less than 5% alcohol is suspect. It’s like a lightweight Ben Wa ball that feels really odd going in, but then you forget all about it and it doesn’t have the weight to just drop out on its own, so if you don’t have a retrieval cord, eventually your doctor will find it. That’s exactly what ESTRELLA DAMM INEDIT is like.

Pursuing the elusive six-pack

My Fellow Inebriates,

Every so often it dawns on me that my parents really don’t love me. After I tried to recruit four-year-old Miss V to open my mescal bottle on Wednesday, the suspicion grew stronger still. Words like “unwholesome” and “dissolute” were used. I grew paranoid (more so than usual) and wondered whether I should attempt some small reform.

Just then I accidentally clicked on Men’s Health: The World’s Most Efficient Workout.

For one insane second, this article seemed like a good idea. The “density workout” is recommended three times a week.

Now, I’m an idiot, but I’m not that kind of idiot. I know this will be the one time I ever try this nutty plan. Here goes.

The first exercise is the Pushup. They show this model dude doing it. Hands shoulder-width apart, feet together, body straight.

Does he look happy, though? I’m not sure.

I can get into position, I think…

The up-and-down part—not so much.

Next: Reverse Lunge and 1-Arm Press.While holding these dumbbells you have to step back, then press the dumbbells up. Switch sides while lowering the dumbbells.

I can’t even figure out how to hold onto dumbbells without thumbs. I have to wrap my whole paw around them. Screw it! No dumbbells. Dumbbells are for meat-heads.

This is madness. Seriously, too many variables.

Okay, here’s where I make a judgment call and skip 10 exercises, making the World’s Most Efficient Workout just a tad more efficient and considerably less dangerous for yours truly.

There aren’t many exercises on the list that I don’t find terrifying, but I don’t feel finished. I haven’t done my show muscles, my guns. Time for a Biceps Curl.

Arggghhhh!! Holy shit!!

I am a total washout at working my muscles. But at least I can get some six-pack abs.

This dude looks so happy. Look how cut his abs are. I bet he walks around shirtless all the time. Let’s give it a go.

Or not. Holy crap, my fellow inebriates, this working out business is all wrong. The only thing that isn’t wrong is the term six-pack.