Wine versus wart remover—a confusing antithesis unless you live at LBHQ

Although I didn’t officially label it, yesterday was Day One of my involuntary dry-out. Today is Day Two of darkness, horror, and hopelessness.

When you’re alcohol-less and forlorn, it’s very hard to look outside yourself and find anything of interest. My on-again-off-again girlfriend Dolly pointed this out.

When my mum read yesterday’s post she agreed. She said it was unimaginably self-centered to make a quiz intended for public health all about oneself without providing any additional value to readers. She said I was bad for blogging and worse for addicts seeking actual information.

If I’d had a buzz this would have killed it. I didn’t have one, so I found some wart remover and started sniffing it.

“Do not recommend that to your followers,” my mum said.

“My followers are intelligent. I don’t have to tell them not to inhale wart remover.”

“So why do I need to tell you?”

“You don’t. It’s obviously only something one does when one doesn’t have a good bottle of wine,” I said. “Here, I’ll look it up. That way you don’t have to feel bad about not teaching me previously of the dangers.”

I like the way, right under the warning about that very wide trajectory from headaches to death, there are friendly wart-remover ads. Nice!

Cha-Cha links to related questions too, mostly for the judgment-challenged.

I like knowing that there are other people out there doing the same stupid shit I do—just usually not on purpose.

Wart removers contain salicylates and other acids that, when inhaled copiously, can:

  • arrest breathing
  • irritate the eyes, ears, and throat
  • cause the kidneys to fail
  • give you a rash
  • make you puke
  • make you dizzy, drowsy, convulsive, hyperactive and feverish; and—for those who succeed in gaining nirvana this way—cause hallucinations.

If you present in ER after huffing your Dr. Scholl’s, expect a battery of detox protocols, including intubation. OMG!

Luckily my mum had already used up most of the (no-name) wart remover on a hideous-looking middle-finger wart that had persisted for three years and is threatening to make a comeback. I didn’t have any sort of party on the fumes. I just felt forlorn afterwards.

And that’s my public service announcement for today: Day Two of the Dry-Out. No huffing wart remover. It won’t solve any problems.

SLEEMAN FINE PORTER—Don’t forget to sip and enjoy (unless you’re an alcoholic)…ARE you an alcoholic?

My Fellow Inebriates,

I found an old blog I started months ago and forgot about because I was drunk at the time.

It was a Blogger blog. I’d filled out my profile information and some preferences, uploaded a background and selected some fonts, then abandoned the thing, presumably because we’d bought some gin or something.

If I hadn’t accidentally visited Dan Lacey’s Blogger blog, I’d never have remembered.

It worried me how completely the memory of starting a Blogger blog had vanished. Easy to forget, too—its stats showed one visitor in the past three months, two in its entire lifetime.

Now, you’re probably thinking this is a sign of advanced alcoholism, and you may be right. But OMG, what if it’s another kind of dementia? How would I know the difference?

Turns out it’s pretty hard to tell the difference. Common symptoms of both:

    • Memory loss
    • Difficulty performing familiar tasks
    • Impaired judgment
    • Language problems
    • Personality changes

I totally have memory problems. For instance, I almost forgot to mention the SLEEMAN FINE PORTER I tried over the holidays. SLEEMAN is a bit of a go-to at our house; during summer we buy the HONEY LAGER quite often because it has more body than a typical lager while still being crisp and refreshing. Safe to say: SLEEMAN would have some know-how about producing a porter.

Pouring it into a glass was difficult despite the familiarity of the task. These little paws of mine are no match for even twist-off convenience, lacking as they do any muscular or skeletal construction. Intelligent design, my furry ass! I should have been constructed with an opener built into my paw, but then I’d be such a robotic mutant that I’d freak myself out. Luckily my dad finally opened a bottle.

In the glass SLEEMAN FINE PORTER is a beautiful dark mahogany with a pillowy-soft layer of inviting foam. The smell is faintly nutty with detectable chocolate and caramel—not aggressively aromatic and in my judgment—the same judgment that prompted me to release my own porn video—just right.

Moderate carbonation makes this porter unlike the British cousins it’s partially aspiring to imitate; the crispness is a savvy move on the part of SLEEMAN and their best bet in terms of capturing mainstream market popularity. This brew will probably turn off ardent purists, but they probably don’t drive the SLEEMAN market anyway. I like the way the fizz balances against the bread-and-chocolate background flavors, mitigating the expected heavy creaminess, highlighting the hops, and settling down into a satisfying, long finish with just the right hint of bitterness.

After consuming an abundance of SLEEMAN FINE PORTER I certainly struggled with language problems, so I’ll borrow my dad’s pronouncement: “probably the best beer SLEEMAN makes.” But then his personality changed (OMG!) and he denied me another bottle. And then my personality changed, and I called him a dick.

It all feels a bit demented—but in an elderly way, a neurologically-impaired sort of way, or an alcoholic way?

There’s plenty of overlap between diagnoses, but luckily medical experts are on the job. In fact, recent studies show that brain impairment differs among alcoholics from that exhibited by Alzheimer’s patients.

One recent study compared 39 elderly detoxified alcoholics with 9 Alzheimer’s patients and 15 control subjects. I’d have liked to have been a fly on that wall, or even played bartender, but apparently it was all business. The subjects with alcohol-related dementia showed different types of impairment from the other groups, the former group specifically challenged by fine motor control, initial letter fluency and free recall. As you can imagine, these skill deficits make it awfully hard to write a coherent booze review, so my apologies.

Curious whether you’re an alcoholic? If you suspect you are, there are plenty of tests to help you confirm it. Go on, find out! In fact, here’s the Johns Hopkins University Test for Alcoholism. Add up your answers! And send me your comments 😉

Please answer yes or no to each question.

  1. Do you lose time from work due to drinking?     Y     N
  2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?     Y     N
  3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?     Y     N
  4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?     Y     N
  5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?     Y     N
  6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?     Y     N
  7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?     Y     N
  8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family’s welfare?     Y     N
  9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?     Y     N
  10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?     Y     N
  11. Do you want a drink the next morning?     Y     N
  12. Does your drinking cause you to have difficulties in sleeping?     Y     N
  13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?     Y     N
  14. Is your drinking jeopardizing your job or business?     Y     N
  15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?     Y     N
  16. Do you drink alone?     Y     N
  17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory?     Y     N
  18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?     Y     N
  19. Do you drink to build your self-confidence?     Y     N
  20. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?     Y     N

Results

YES answers:

3—indicates a probable drinking problem.

4-7—indicates early-stage alcoholism.

7-10—indicates middle-stage alcoholism.

10+—indicates end-stage alcoholism.

——————————————————

How did you score? I got a 5! That means there’s plenty of fun left 😉

Occupying my liquor cabinet

My Fellow Inebriates,

My boozy world has a very tight bandwidth of focus, so it was news to me that people have been occupying the Art Gallery lawn in my city. At first I thought it sounded like a great party—I thought about a keg, of course, and wondered whether my dad would drive me there with one.

I guess the question is: Is my dad part of the 1% or the 99%?

My parents are your typical college-educated suburb dwellers, beleaguered as much by the minutiae of running small businesses as they are by parenting two crazy little kids. They wake up early and scurry around, brushing out tangles and finding socks, then get down to a daily toil that sometimes pays off and sometimes doesn’t. In the evening they might have a beer, or they might not.

Mathematically, they are 99-percenters. Which makes me one too.

But there’s a growing sense of distaste being expressed among many people who unquestionably fit by economic circumstance into the 99% but refuse to identify either with it or with the Occupy movements taking place across the world. They consider themselves hard-working and well-meaning—middle-class—and therefore too many steps away from flat-out poverty to actively contemplate being a have-not. They see themselves as functioning within society, and have a concomitant horror at the self-avowed 99-percenters who raise alarm bells at the widening gap between rich and poor.

The reason is simple: Poverty is ugly.

When I’ve had ten beers and thrown up all over my fur, and I’m lurching around, groping whatever genitalia get within range, I’m ugly too. My drunkenness is ugly, and moreover, it illustrates the path from moderate drinking to dependency. It raises questions like, “How did that bear get so f#cked up?” and “Could I end up that f#cked up too?”

Sound familiar?

Alcoholism is ugly. And any moderate drinker is a number of scarily ill-defined steps away from it. What puts you over the line? Drinking to the point of black-out? How many times? How often? Drinking by yourself? Drinking in the morning? Is there a line you can cross…?

It’s sort of like poverty. You may be doing fine right now. You have a mortgage and one or two cars, a couple of credit cards and a job. You’re making ends meet and you’re doing fine; you’re fitting in with the societal framework and managing. Surely you’re not a 99-percenter, whinging about social inequity.

But give these variables a shake. Say your job goes pear-shaped; say you have an accident; say you have an extra baby by mistake. Now it’s a little more difficult to work the system. Now say the interest rate on your mortgage goes up and your kids’ new teeth are growing out sideways. Oh yeah, and your car blows its transmission a month after warranty expiration.

Anybody’s life can turn into a country music song, people.

We’re all taking a big leap of faith in believing that the system works well and that we are coping optimally. Do you say stuff like: “Things are great now but I’m really glad I’m not a senior”? Or “I’m so glad I’m not just out of high school and trying to pay for an education”? Or “I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have a job with dental coverage”?

For any person, there are x number of “ifs” that probably won’t happen, but could happen, to pull the rug out. And when the rug gets pulled out, we look for the safety net. For most people, that safety net is credit. It feels like a safety net because it keeps the wolf from the door, but the more you use it, the deeper you find yourself in a usurious quicksand.

Okay, you say, but that’s my own fault. Just like it’s your fault for getting blotto and sleeping in your own sick. Ouch!

Let’s leave my hobbies aside for a minute. I’m just a bear.

Some debt is considered responsible (mortgage) and some is not (depreciable items). Cars fall into the latter category, but how many non-bears function without a car? Most people of limited means have moved farther and farther from their respective economic centers, necessitating travel to and from work. Inadequate transit makes a car the only realistic option, especially if a family also needs rides to and from school and extracurricular activities within suburban catchments that tend to be too far-flung to manage on foot. People in the ’burbs pay more for gas and sustain more vehicular wear-and-tear. They pay tolls, which will soon be inescapable regardless of route taken.

Food? Anti-Occupy propagandists slam debt-strapped families for living the “high life,” eating out several times a week and not appreciating the wonders that corporations have bestowed upon civilization. But families eat out because both parents work and neither Mum nor Dad has time to put together a proper meal, do homework and get the kids washed for bed. Add to that the guilt they feel at being absent and being tired, and it translates into spending. If some of this spending is self-medicating, surely it attests to the stresses inherent in our social structure.

Let’s talk about Stockholm Syndrome. People who suffer from Stockholm Syndrome paradoxically empathize with their captors. Isn’t this sort of like thanking credit card companies for allowing you to pay them 20% interest on purchases such as groceries and dental work, all the while inwardly blaming yourself for failing to predict your tooth will go critical?

My mum says she sees people putting groceries on credit cards all the time. What does this say about our finances? Shouldn’t credit cards be reserved for emergencies, or at least for online purchases of Liquorstore Bear swag? Seriously, back in the day, people would have been embarrassed to put milk, eggs and bread on Visa.

Wait a sec…embarrassed… Again, the fault is placed on the consumer. Surely no one wants to use credit to buy necessities.

The average Canadian owes more than a year’s worth of income.

Canada’s banks earned $4.56 billion in the third quarter this year.

If you think that really sounds fair, consider whether that judgment is a way of distancing yourself from people you find distasteful. And then think about where that impression came from.

I’m a distasteful character myself. So I liked my first impression that the Art Gallery camp was so much drug- and alcohol-fueled fun. But my parents made me sober up and read a bit—just a bit. And this quote struck me:

“Without actually conversing with the regulars at the art gallery grounds, it’s easy for cynics to frame the scene as a disorganized collection of druggies and thugs, when actually some of our city’s best and brightest are still active there. Examining it as a whole, in all its contradictory parts, Occupy Vancouver is the elephant in the living room-both a reminder and a response to a broken system. We can shoo it off or shoot it dead, but the social problems feeding this unpredictable pachyderm aren’t going away soon.”             —Geoff Olson, The Vancouver Courier

Some political science guy from UVIC said today on the radio that the Occupy movement had accomplished about half of what it had set out to do. Unfortunately, focus has shifted from the movement’s aims to the mayor’s aims to eradicate it. If, instead of visiting the Occupy Vancouver website I’d relied on radio news and my local rag for information, I’d have thought the Occupy movement was a big party for the homeless, with the intent to f#ck shit up and dis the Man. Instead I found it to be a peaceful and thought-provoking gathering of largely educated people who want to fix a broken machine.

And yes, they do realize that as a civilization we’ve had it pretty lucky. They readily acknowledge how nice it is to have hot running water and central heating and computers and hybrid cars and all the rest of it. And, unlike corporations engaged in fracking for the last vestiges of oil the planet will cede and meanwhile poisoning the water table, they do foresee a sobering end to the bubble. Doesn’t it make sense to curb corporations’ sociopathic unaccountability before everything blows up?

So I guess my dad was right to scold me for thinking the whole thing was a kegger. But, still, I realize the Occupy movement is not the venue for Liquorstore Bear. I would be a bad element and detract from its credibility. And the media is already having a heyday doing that. So I’ll occupy my liquor cabinet physically, but Occupy Vancouver in spirit.