The long-awaited gin shoot-out Part Deux!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Proving that Dry Weekdays are one of my mother’s worst ideas ever, Saturday’s Pre–Mother’s Day Gin Shoot-out quickly escalated (devolved?) into the kind of unbridled debauchery you get when lengthy privation provides the springboard. Yes, a party broke out at LBHQ. Yes, children were present, and it was mostly wholesome, at least until beddy-byes.

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Christine’s arrival kicked it off. Even without a canvas bag full of Scotch (we’d billed the evening as a gin tasting), Christine was a ray of sunshine and well worth the afternoon I spent hanging out on the window sill waiting for her. Truth be told, I’d been holding some navy socks of Christine’s hostage in hopes that she’d return for them. But when she arrived I was so overjoyed that I forgot to give them to her.

Jumping into gin seemed wrong to the humans (where do these ideas come from?) so we had a beer on the patio where we could watch five-year-old Miss V beating the crap out of a bush with a badminton racket.

And then it was time for gin.

In the running:

As with the Pre-Apocalypse Gin Shoot-Out, we decided to be scientific and sample the different brands two ways:

  • straight-up shots
  • in G&Ts identically prepared with President’s Choice tonic water, ice, and lime

BROKER’S PREMIUM LONDON DRY GIN

DSCN3439You may recall that BROKER’S GIN has been the object of a long quest at LBHQ. I first tried it before starting this blog and realized I couldn’t very well live without it. But in the last year BROKER’S disappeared from our booze shop’s shelves, and restoring it was an absolute odyssey finally accomplished thanks to the tireless efforts of my dear personal friend Julia Gale. I had built up BROKER’S GIN to mythical proportions in my furry head, and when it finally arrived at the store I think I heard angels singing (not those ones who mooch off scotch kegs, but the other, nice ones that don’t exist). Still, when you anticipate something so avidly, are you not setting yourself up for disappointment?

Straight up

There are no words.

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Seriously, I don’t want to say “I told you so” because according to my parents I’m obnoxious enough, but…ahhhhhhhhh!

Delicate and floral with a rich backbone of citrus fruit and licorice, BROKER’S exudes a sophisticated, fresh scent—layered yet clean, a garden of delights. On the tongue it is gentle without being tentative, firmly hitting all the classic gin notes but somehow introducing a new register of untold harmonies. Indeed, BROKER’S was so nuanced that Christine spent a day thinking about it before commenting:

sherbetfountainsI finally figured out what that first smell was like with the Broker’s…I was thinking Licorice Allsorts but the heavier citrus with a hint of licorice was more like a waft of eating this candy from my youth….of course the gin was much smoother and subtle on the palate….I think Broker’s is my new favourite Gin……

My parents were in complete agreement, as was Blackie Bear, who unfortunately didn’t compare the BROKER’S with any other gins because he passed out.

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Gin & Tonic

We immediately worried that BROKER’S would disappear into a gin-and-tonic the way BOMBAY SAPPHIRE tends to. What gives punchier gins like BEEFEATER and GORDON’S the edge in a G&T is their ability to cut through the tonic. We wondered if the subtler BROKER’S GIN might get lost. But we were pleasantly surprised that it did not. BROKER’S asserted itself through the tonic magnificently, displaying its many-layered notes through the mixer in a perfect G&T.

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GORDON’S LONDON DRY GIN

We went into the shoot-out wondering if GORDON’S would prevail the way it did before—if not straight up, then certainly in a mixed drink. We are big fans of this solid, traditional gin, and it has been our go-to during the BROKER’S drought. GORDON’S is a juniper-forward, commanding James Bond–reminiscent gin without falling into the deep and boomy notes you find with juniper bombs like BEEFEATER. With its acceptably subtle character, how would it fare against BROKER’S?

Straight up

Back to back against BROKER’s, a straight sip of GORDON’S was surprisingly coarse and harsh. It certainly suffered in comparison. This was a shame, because GORDON’S is a perfectly serviceable gin for a martini, and had the misfortune to take the stage after a dazzling performer. There, there, GORDON’S…we still believe in you, but for $4 more per 750mL I’d rather have BROKER’S.

Gin & Tonic

Regardless of having been shown up by BROKER’s straight up, GORDON’S makes a mean gin-and-tonic. No complaints from anyone at the table.

BOOMSMA JONGE GENEVER

bOOMSMAThis was a new one for LBHQ. Probably we should have bought another London Dry gin, but we’d heard good things about BOOMSMA in a G&T, and the price was reasonable. Genever (Dutch for “gin”) has long been cherished in the Netherlands, more often as an ice-cold sipper than in mixed drinks, and although it has fallen out of style somewhat over the years, it maintains a high cultural standing.

Straight up

The first impression is how much sweeter BOOMSMA is than the other two. Despite being jonge (young) rather than oude (old) and therefore in the drier category, BOOMSMA delivers a relatively sweet burst to the palate. Moreover, it has a weightier, oilier mouthfeel. The taste itself is light and almost indistinct, although you can pick out light floral essences and characteristic gin notes. But as Christine and my dad concurred, it basically tastes like “gin for vodka drinkers.”

Gin & Tonic

BOOMSMA suffers the fate that BROKER’S so skilfully avoided: it disappears completely into a gin-and-tonic. The sweetness of the tonic masks BOOMSMA’s most notable characteristic, its own subtle sweetness, and takes out all the other tasting notes as well. BOOMSMA redeems itself by maintaining a nice boozy burn that manages to punch through the mixer. Certainly not a bad drink—just not very special, unless being a total creeper counts as special. Yes, MFI, BOOMSMA is so invisible that you find yourself adding more to your G&T. Next thing you know, it’s the next day and your cerebellum is doing this high-pitched scream thing.

gin-tasting mingler

By now a party had broken out, with other animals arriving, including this chihuahua that later made off with my bowler hat.

Results of the Shoot-Out

Here’s the breakdown (lowest being best):

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    1. most favorite
    2. second favorite
    3. least favorite

Never, my fellow inebriates, has a Shoot-Out been so decisive. It would have been even more decisive had we included Blackie’s scoring of BROKER’S, but it wouldn’t have been fair, so here are his comments instead:

Dude, that was like…dude. I’m gonna have a little sleep now.

You and me both, buddy.

You and me both, buddy.

As for the rest of us, Christine and Dad emerged without a hangover. Mum had a two-day hangover, which serves her right for imposing Dry Weekdays. If she’d had her drink on throughout the week, she wouldn’t have gone nuts come the weekend, and her liver wouldn’t have been so out of practice. Meanwhile, Blackie still looks all wrong. And yours truly? I’m thinking, how soon can we do it again?

BROKER’S wiped the floor with these other gins. So the challenge is on.

My Christmas ham is spam

My Fellow Inebriates,

‘Tis the season for manger scenes. I haven’t posted one since last year, but a friendly spammer visited to tell me she’d seen one featuring liquor bottles. And get this—the whole thing was an ad for Liquorstore Bear. OMG!

I saw an ad for liquorstore bear for this Christmas season, I found it to be in very poor taste!! The ad had liquor bottles placed to create a nativity seen, including one in a manger to represent my Savior!! I found this to be extremely distasteful and offensive! There are just so many other things you could have done in order to advertise for this season! If you need help in your advertising department, feel free to contact me! I assure you I can do much better than that for any season! Extending you wishes for a very Merry Christmas, and of course, a Happy New Year!

I don’t run any ads, people. The enterprise just isn’t that large. But last year I did run the pic Teena is talking about.

I have no idea where this Liquor Nativity came from. Someone posted the pic to my Facebook wall. Anyone who wants to take credit, maybe you can talk to Teena (and she can sell you some advertising).

I have no idea where this Liquor Nativity came from. Someone posted the pic to my Facebook wall. Anyone who wants to take credit, maybe you can talk to Teena (and she can sell you some advertising).

As heartening as it is to be pitched on advertising and chastened for blasphemy in the same missive, Teena’s objections to the Liquor Nativity seemed a little automatic and underexamined. And since I hadn’t drunk anything interesting to write about, I was happy to find myself with a topic.

What makes an alcohol nativity scene offensive as opposed to one made of clay, wood, plastic, or glass? What assumptions could Teena be bringing to the table (or stable)? Does the medium used to create the artwork carry connotations, and if so, are those connotations incompatible with piety?

The media in this case are bottles of Absolut, Jagermeister, Cutty Sark, Jack Daniel’s, etc. None of these products had been invented in the year 0, although Jesus Christ notably made wine from water at a wedding in Cana.

navitity2One of our neighbors’ lawns has a manger set-up with inflatable figures that glow in the dark. These undoubtedly were invented well after the year 0, and not until last century did blow-up figures develop their own arguably irreverent connotations. The neighbor’s display is okay, right? Or should I email him saying his lawn ornaments remind me of inflatable sex dolls? Or that I’m worried about the Lord being detached by vandals and punted around the yard?

As for other artistic media, if someone fashioned a nativity scene out of clay, and the clay turned out to be not clay but fecal matter, but you couldn’t tell…well—is the end product offensive?

Teena might well argue that intention is everything, but how can she know what the artist’s intention really is?

  • To draw an association between Jesus Christ and alcohol?
  • To draw an association between Jesus Christ and heavily marketed products—i.e., consumerism? (Doesn’t Teena work in advertising?)
  • To make a statement about an access of reverence in any situation, particularly in a modern world where products such as Jim Beam are more readily visible than, say, fishing nets and chalices?
  • To get people talking about the nativity?
  • To poke fun at people who think they know what God approves and disapproves of?

I’d venture that person who constructed the Liquor Nativity scene was probably not indifferent to religion. This was surely a person who wanted to make a statement about it. Can Teena be fully confident of what that statement was?

As I mentioned to her, if I ever encountered such a scene, it would quickly be short a wise man or a shepherd 😉

But seriously, being offended is a choice. It is Teena’s choice to be offended, especially since the offence depends upon assumptions about the artist’s intent as well as, puzzlingly, the notion that God condemns the consumption of alcohol. Has Teena even thought about what she objects to exactly?

I would have let her comment be, but she wasn’t just commenting on the manger; she was trying to sell me advertising. LBHQ is a live-and-let-live outfit, with room for all beliefs—but the over-punctuated gist of Teena’s note was to plug her own services, all the while objecting that her Savior was not being respected. Unless Teena believes there are multiple Saviors (do you think she believes that, MFI?), Teena believes those who do not embrace her Savior are not saved. That they will suffer everlasting hellfire. Maybe I should be offended by that.

I don’t expect to hear from Teena again; someone else will buy her advertising help and they can rap about religion to their hearts’ content. Being a bit of a furry asshole, though, I left her with a postscript:

All world cultures with access to grain and reasonably abundant water have made alcohol. That’s far more cultures than worship Jesus Christ.

Does vodka soften your poo?

My Fellow Inebriates,

I don’t fancy myself an advice columnist, but I get the occasional intriguing question. In my search terms this week:

“Does vodka soften your poo?”

I could just embarrass myself trying to answer this question, but let’s face it, I don’t eat solids so I don’t produce solids. I’d be a hypocrite to take on such a roughage-laden question. For more credible answers, I turn to Anish Sheth, Yale-based gastroenterologist and author of What’s Your Poo Telling You?

“With DADS (Day-After-Drinking Stool), it’s liquid in, liquid out. Alcohol is a gastrointestinal stimulant, a direct irritant to the lining of the intestine that speeds up passage and causes diarrhea. Some drinks are worse than others (malt liquor being particularly potent). Stool comes out in liquid form, usually normal in color/smell and occasionally with excess mucus.”

Sounds pretty soft, my vodka-drinking friends.

It’s an app!

It’s a calendar!

“Log” your poo!