Cheers, Oreo!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Who knew so many intolerant, barely literate A-holes would crawl out from under their rocks in response to the special Oreo that appeared on Facebook last night?

Buddy, I think your ass is safe, so let it hang out.

Taking into consideration the Pride Week Oreo’s presumably mega-caloric six layers of yummy hydrogenated filling, you have to know it hit the trailer park where it lives. Picture (former) Oreo devotees stocking up on massive bulk packages of (non-gay!) Oreos at Costco and Walmart with their butt-cracks hanging vilely out of sweatpants barely able to contain their (heterosexual) Oreo-eating girth.

Yes, when Oreo published a fanciful picture of a rainbow-filled cookie, homophobes went berserk, posting a barrage of hateful comments and inciting their gay-hating Lord to punish confectioners with the audacity to “support” gay America and the so-called gay agenda.

The Oreo Facebook campaign evidently hurt these people. It commandeered a product that probably constituted a sizeable percentage of their shopping budget with its yummy, gooey, chocolatey, icing-sugary delightfulness and turned it into a sick, Satanic, and deviant snack. Poor teabaggers!

Of course, they’re probably mad about the rainbow itself being appropriated in the first place. The rainbow, according to the Bible, represents God’s promise to never again send mass flooding. Which of course He never has. Oh wait, heathens don’t count.

Thankfully a “boycott” hasn’t manifested in any meaningful size. You need numbers to stage an effective boycott, and these haters—despite their confidence that they will make a financial dent in Nabisco—constitute a small island of fucktards in a changing sea.

Fact is, an Oreo with that much stuff in it could probably give you a heart attack. But it’s still a beautiful thing.

Cheers, Oreo! You didn’t need those hatin’ riffraff anyway (they’re not numerous—just rabidly vocal, if not plain rabid). Toasting you with a delicious Oreo martini.

Bottoms up!

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4 responses to “Cheers, Oreo!”

  1. meganvsbeer says :

    Im sure they will be back to chowing their gooey chocolatey sandwich cookies in no time. People like this rarely stand by their “convictions.”

  2. Ed (The Dogs of Beer) says :

    Makes me want to eat a whole package of Oreo’s to show my support to my gay friends. Oh heck, I just want a reason to eat a whole package of Oreo’s.

    I used to frequent a website that made fun of a very popular TV show and it would get dumb asses like this emailing them all the time. The guys who ran it would post up the hate mail every week on “mail bag” day and everyone would take pot shots at the idiots who wrote in. If you’ll allow me, I’m feeling the need to vent….

    John – I don’t know which I’m having a harder time believing – that you would actually know another Kraft product if it hit you in the face, or that a company that made 3.5 billion in profit last year gives a fuck about losing you as a customer.

    Mads – I’m sure your friends will gladly give up their favorite cookie because of your dumb fuck belief that murder is a suitable solution to any group of people you have issues with. If God truly did Bless America, it would be by getting your sorry ass deported to a part of the world that hates Americans and see how you like a hammer to the skull.

    Paul – The American Education System has asked that you quit posting. You’re a disgrace to it.

    Kevin – I would draw the line at people who don’t know how to use proper punctuation, capitalization or sentence structure. Because I don’t think the issue is just about “gays who are Christian”.

    Lacey – You’ll be back buying them in a week. You have a better chance at giving up crack cocaine, fat ass.

    Aaron – Yes, because when I need a lesson on religious values and morality I always go straight to the cookie aisle at the local super market.

    Kayley – Actually I have known gay people who have multiplied so your statement is incorrect. I agree though, you should go slam your face into the bible, repeatedly, until you understand that based on the very premise put forth in it, God hates no one.

    Thanks…..now hand me some Oreo’s AND the martini….

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