My Fellow Inebriates,

The bunnies here in the house all freak me out. First of all, they’re larger than me (a bear!). Second, they have sociopathic personalities. Third, they eat their own pellets when they think you’re not looking. So it’s a little disconcerting to be swinging the door open for the Easter Bunny tonight.

I don’t get much say in the snack we’re leaving out tonight, but I’ve thrown out some suggestions. I figure every kid in the neighborhood will leave carrots out. We could take it up a notch and leave a nice, refreshing Bloody Mary out with a crunchy piece of celery in it.

“You would hide out and drain it,” said my mother.

“And the Bunny would get the celery,” I said. “Win win.”

“If he saw you, he’d run away and not leave anything for the kids.”

I hadn’t thought of this.

Plan B: We make two Bloody Marys. I get to drink one refreshing, icy one tonight. Then, in the morning, while everyone hunts for eggs, I get the Easter Bunny’s dregs.

But will the rim of the glass taste like bunny pellets? OMG!