My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
You can’t solve everything by yourself, Aries, especially while on a bender involving rum and apricot brandy. Ask a friend to help, not to mention share the booze, which should keep you alert enough to deal with your mounting email. There’s an important message in it, so clear your head a little if you want to find it. Avoid public transit this week at all costs! (And since you’ll be too drunk to drive, that means stay home.)
Taurus, the urge to see an old Capricorn friend consumes you this week—someone who used to excite you but has degenerated into a tequila-soaked lush. You can still enjoy a satisfying friendship even if the sparks are gone. Don’t fall into this friend’s habits, though, or you’ll be lying outside the liquor store all day keening to yourself.
You’re stuck working on a project with an annoying coworker, Gemini, and the urge to vent your anger could inflame the situation. But don’t vent it at innocent bystanders! Everyone will notice your maturity if you take the high road. What you need is some coconut rum to take the edge off. There’s no problem that can’t be solved with Captain Morgan.
Traffic will challenge you more than usual this week Cancer, especially if you deviate from your normal route or routine. In fact, all change is bad this week; even at work you should stay in a low-profile rut where you can’t be singled out for new responsibilities. If you can manage to stay invisible, all threats will pass. So take the bus, work quietly on the Penske file, and put nice, clear, odorless vodka in your flask. No fruity craziness until next week! Oh yeah, and, get a handle on your electronics so they don’t start beeping at 4:00am.
Leo, think about inviting friends and family over to your home for a nice dinner. They tend to picture you in filthy underwear, swilling rum from a styrofoam cup, so they’ll be surprised and delighted that you’re capable of hosting a civilized social occasion. It’ll be good for you too, if only because it inspires you to wash those skivvies.
Someone from your past gets in touch, Virgo. How exciting! You thought this person was just a one-off, sordid one-night stand in a squalid motel, and here he/she is wanting to hang out. You should definitely find out more about this person. What’s his/her star sign? Do you both love vodka with madeira and cherry brandy? Does your friend have chlamydia? By June you’ll have at least one of the answers.
Libra, usually you’re difficult to prank, but work-related distractions make you an easy mark for mischievous colleagues this week. If you let them frustrate you, tempers will flare up and a fight will ensue, drawing unwanted attention from higher-ups. You have a sweet thing going at work with your vodka flask. Don’t wreck it!
Keep an eye on your health this week, Scorpio. The stars are looking vicious—don’t let them punish you for all those apple martinis. Baby yourself a bit. Dress properly instead of putting yourself at the mercy of the elements. Walk slowly and pay attention to those around you—no one is attractive enough to warrant extra risks right now. This week is all about stasis.
Sagittarius, you’ll pass a test this week, but only with the help of an Aries. Of all the star signs, you’re the best at picking people up, so hit the neighborhood pub and start asking “What’s your sign?” Eventually you’ll find an intelligent Aries, but it might take a while, so pace yourself. No hard stuff (that means no Jell-O shots)… Stick to apple cider.
You have large, global concerns, Capricorn, which make everyone else’s day-to-day worries seem trivial by comparison. So consumed are you by world politics that you can’t stop lecturing, expounding from a bar stool while pickling yourself with pear vodka. You feel like a voice crying out in the wilderness, but make no mistake about it, people think you’re a douche. The best thing you can do is drink yourself past intelligibility so your friends don’t have to listen.
Aquarius, you’re all about superficial relationships lately, but one of your new friends is going to stick around longer than expected. In August you’ll realize you’re smitten—not just romantically but in all respects: hobbies, business, politics, relentless vodka consumption… How the relationship develops is up to you. The stars are very controlling but you can still steer this thing.
Pisces, the urge to socialize is strong with you this week, but so is the urge to lie compulsively! You tell people all kinds of shit, sometimes contradicting yourself and setting yourself up for trouble. It’s very hard to conduct yourself this way when you start tossing Kahlua into your coffee at 6:00am and progress from there. Just wait till a handful of friends get into a room together and compare stories.
Liquorstore Bear 
Oh, good. Spike my mimosa. Nothing says morning like four ounces of vodka splashed with OJ and just a smidge of champagne. Sounds like by this horoscope, Bear and I will be vacationing again in August.
Now, to stay off antibiotics long enough to actually HAVE a drink!
Red.