Punctuate this, parents

My parents are too busy to do my typing.


Asked what they’re doing that’s so damn important, they are…vague. But my mum says it has to do with punctuation. She is playing grammar police on some mammoth document or set of documents, and apparently this leaves us no time for blogging.

I want to argue with her but, let’s face it, punctuation matters.


CZECHVAR for St. Paddy’s Day? Why not?

Today I am recommending a run-of-the-mill, somewhat hoppy and refreshing but basically Euroskunk lager.


Because it’s St. Patrick’s Day, and if you get some godforsaken notion today that you have to dye your beer green, you’d best choose a light beer instead of pouring all your mother’s Nutty Club green food colouring into a Guinness. With CZECHVAR you’ll only need a few drops, and the beer’s so mundane and uninspiring that you won’t feel you’ve wrecked it when that green tint starts grossing you out a few minutes after you’ve done the deed.


CZECHVAR is actually made by Anheuser-Busch, which explains a lot. A quintessential summer beer, it’s slightly hoppy and very fizzy, and it emanates a faint eau de Heineken.

Is it fitting for St. Patrick’s Day? Probably not, but on a day when one-quarter of all North Americans purport to have Irish blood, we can hardly get our underwear in a knot about drinking Czech beer. Personally, I’m going to pound this mediocre CZECHVAR for breakfast, get into some cheap Canadian rye for lunch, and then break into the mescal with the (green?) worm in it. By the end of it, for all intents and purposes, I’ll be green and possibly hallucinating leprechauns. And that, my fellow inebriates, is what March 17 is all about.

Ha! My parents wish someone would ID them.

My Fellow Inebriates,

As you know, my parents are ancient. It has been decades since they were carded at the liquor store. But this cat looks like it IDs everybody.



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