Okay, MFI, your Booze Horoscope has gone totally off the rails. I pleaded with my typist to dump the paid work in favor of this, your guide to the week’s alcohol consumption. But you try reasoning with either of my parents. So here’s a quickie. (Sometimes a quickie is a good thing.)
I haven’t seen Snapple at the store in a long time, but the stars want you to get some Kiwi-Strawberry Snapple and liquor it up with Malibu. You’re welcome.
The stars think you should combine gin and vodka (it’s a travesty, just have gin) with 7-Up, lemon juice, and lime juice. Seriously, just gin.
Butterscotch schnapps and Crown Royal. Everyone has those on hand, right?
You get something elaborate to keep you busy. And it will be an appetizing grey-blue if you shake it up correctly: 3 oz Raspberry Stolichnaya, 10 oz margarita mix, 2 oz Blue Curacao, and 2 oz creme de cassis. It will look gross but get you shitfaced.
You need a nice hot laced coffee. Pour in some brandy, all the kinds of rum you have, plus froufrou stuff like cinnamon sticks and brown sugar. Yum. You are definitely not going in to work.
Party, party…Midori Melon, Cointreau, vodka, and whatever citrus juice-type things you can rastle up.
Absolut. That is all, unless you want to add some lemon.
Three things: Aftershock Cinnamon, rum, and triple sec. Copious quantities. If it’s too shocking, add some soda.
Got some cherry vodka? Shake it with some sloe gin, dry vermouth, and optional pineapple juice. Who needs juice anyway?
Aha, Southern Comfort rears its ugly head in your star chart. Equal parts sloe gin and amaretto…ahhhh!
What to do with something as unpalatable and corrosive as Coca-Cola? Why, add Jack Daniel’s and Wild Turkey of course.
Hypnotiq…we have never purchased this at LBHQ, to my great chagrin. The stars command equal parts Hypnotiq and Sprite, plus a report to LBHQ of whatever shenanigans ensue.
My dad is not one to forget his apostrophes (very often), so I knew, when he emailed this picture with the header “Tonights wine” that he must be totally f#cked up.
My friend Blackie Bear once told me his apostrophes are the first thing to go when he gets hammered, so it’s forgivable. WHAT’S NOT FORGIVABLE IS EMAILING ME A PICTURE OF A $28 CABERNET SAUVIGNON FROM THE OKANAGAN ON A DRY WEEKDAY!!!!
Even my evil mother is starting to think about cracking a bottle of wine.
My Fellow Inebriates,
Proving that dry weekends are one of my mother’s worst ideas ever, Saturday’s Pre–Mother’s Day Gin Shoot-out quickly escalated (devolved?) into the kind of unbridled debauchery you get when lengthy privation provides the springboard. Yes, a party broke out at LBHQ. Yes, children were present, and it was mostly wholesome, at least until beddy-byes.
Christine’s arrival kicked it off.