wine

ROBERT MONDAVI PRIVATE SELECTION CABERNET SAUVIGNON (2010)

My Fellow Inebriates,

I hope you don’t think I was being overly critical of ROBERT MONDAVI PRIVATE SELECTION CABERNET SAUVIGNON (2010) in Thursday’s post. I certainly didn’t mean to imply it wouldn’t be enjoyable with dinner—just not with certain dishes such as pork, chicken, or human.

That said, this Mondavi offering isn’t as heavy as many Cabernet Sauvignons out there. It weighs in with rich blackberries, cassis, and smooth oak while being tannic enough to support a heavy meal such as beef bourguignon or tourtière. But it doesn’t have that extreme saliva-drying aridity that characterizes some Cabs. If anything it finds a good balance between fruitiness and dryness—well structured and well behaved.

Those of you who share my liquids-only predilection won’t be disappointed either. With its wealth of fruit and lingering finish, this wine is lovely on its own. It just doesn’t fit the bill if you’re a cannibal enjoying your favorite cuisine.

If you are a cannibal, your local liquor store may not necessarily help you find the right wine. But my dad’s going to the government liquor store tonight, so I’ll ask him to keep his eyes peeled for a shelf talker 😉

When it doesn’t just “taste like chicken”—making sense of a difficult wine/food-pairing problem

In my fantasy world there wouldn’t be any such thing as wine/food pairing. There wouldn’t be food. We’d all just be awash in booze. But for my friends who enjoy solids now and then, following some loose guidelines can enhance the eating/drinking experience.

  1. Start by considering the dish. Is your meal…
    • mild-tasting or intense?
    • lean or fatty?
    • acidic or creamy?
  1. Eliminate any varietals you dislike. There’s no sense purchasing a wine just to match a meal. While drinking a less-favorite wine with a well-matched meal may reveal the wine’s characteristics and increase your appreciation of it, your distaste for the vino may be insuperable. Buy a wine varietal you like.
  2. Balance the taste sensations by pairing mild with mild, acidic with acidic, and intense with intense.
  3. Choose tannic or acidic wines with high-fat foods; they cleanse the palate.

I’m worried that Hannibal Lecter might not be following these wine/food pairing guidelines. Let’s see whether Hannibal’s on the right track with his Chianti.

Not everybody knows what human meat tastes like. Chances are your local wine consultant doesn’t. Just try asking for a pairing suggestion. You’ll see hesitation in the consultant’s eyes, then fear—the fear that you’ll see through his/her bullshit answer and discern that he/she has no idea what to pair with maple-glazed human.

There’s plenty of specious information on the subject, so you have to be very careful that your wine consultant hasn’t fallen for the description circulated by promoters of the human meat substitute hufu (“contrary to popular belief, people do not taste like pork or chicken”), or that your consultant hasn’t merely sampled placenta, more akin to organ meats such as liver or kidney than, say, a human steak. No, you want an actual cannibal to advise you whether Chianti’s on the money with your human entrée.

Enter Armin Meiwes, a German man who gained fame in 2001 by killing and eating a volunteer he found through a website called the Cannibal Café. Not distinguishing between the Café’s intended satire and his own deviant appetites, Meiwes interviewed many candidates who expressed interest and then backed out, finally settling on Bernd Jürgen Brandes, whose penis he severed so the two could share it fried in garlic and butter. Meiwes gave the fully consenting Brandes a shitload of painkillers and bled him out in the bath, butchered and froze him, then spent the next ten months enjoying reduced grocery bills as he sampled Brandes every which way, even grinding up his bones to make flour.

This is a dude who would certainly know what human tasted like—at least one particular human—and he was happy to describe it in an interview:

“The flesh tastes like pork, a little bit more bitter, stronger. It tastes quite good.”

Cabernet Sauvignon—too rich and tannic; overwhelming with human’s delicate and salty flavor. When shopping, ask yourself, “What would go with pork?” and you’ll probably do fine.

So Chianti would go okay with human for supper, especially with a tomato-based sauce, but Hannibal Lecter could do better. Especially with German cuisine featuring sauerkraut and other acidic notes, I’d lean toward a Riesling or a Sauvignon Blanc. If you’re dead set on a red wine, try a nice, light Beaujolais.

It’s really tough to find a great wine consultant. My own wine store has a stellar one, and I still don’t think he’d be up to speed on human dishes. Isn’t it wonderful to have the Internet?

ASTROLIQUOR for May 25-31—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You find yourself reminiscing about January/February, Aries, even though you lolloped through them in a Crown Royal haze. But don’t fixate on the past—June promises just as much drunkenness, although it will feature more sickly liqueurs and vomiting. During one of your lucid moments an old flame will appear and stir up old feelings. Tell your partner or spouse about this person; maybe you can swing a threesome.

Taurus, your life is seeming monotonous right now, and in an effort to generate some novelty you’re showing previously private facets of yourself in public. People like the new you(s) much better than the old you, so maybe you should bury your old self. Maintaining your newfound inhibition is easy with a constant alcohol drip. But make it exciting—Aftershock hot & cool cinnamon schnapps for you.

What the hell is going on with the stars, Gemini, to foster such boring thoughts? You’re thinking investments, pension plans, insurance. Yikes, do you ever need a drink…In fact, you need a silly drink:

  • 2 oz banana schnapps
  • 2 oz Malibu
  • 2 oz rum
  • 6 oz orange juice
  • 4 oz pineapple juice
  • 1/2 cup Tang powder

Down that and see how responsible you feel.

You went nuts spending in February/March, Cancer, but you’re regaining control. By June you’ll breathe some relief, but don’t get complacent—July will be expensive. You won’t see it coming, but it will flatten you! Sure, this really sucks and the stars can be a bitch, but you can still drink Scotch. Just choose a cheaper blended whiskey and you’re good to go.

Leo, your family and friends are enjoying your company these days. You’re so sunny and happy; you brighten their days, even if you’re too pissed to remember your thoughts and actions afterward. Try not to be too generous; you mustn’t spend every single penny on others. You can’t have a well-stocked bar without some money. (Do you have a supply of white rum and Blue Curacao? Daiquiri mix?) Stay happy because your hormones are going to go crazy next week.

This week presents an opportunity to oust a thorn from your side, Virgo, albeit diplomatically. No more taking shit! You have the social skills to jettison negative people without jeopardizing your work situation—do it. If you need some liquid courage, try a vodka/Tang combo. That’s what the astronauts took to the moon with them. (Or was it the television sound stage?)

Libra, as a natural conversationalist you are the recipient of all sorts of unexpected info from friends, neighbors, fellow parents…you name it. People are telling you the freakiest shit. It may be interesting for a while, but make sure you know when to call the police. Also, know when it’s okay not to call the police (if the animal comes back for more, for instance). Still, it’s an information overload. You’ll need some gin to soften the edges.

Your intuition is bang-on this week, Scorpio. Deliberately ignore rational thought and go with your feelings. Fact is, you’ve been following this course for a while now and things are panning out. But where’s the alcohol in this picture? OMG, the stars are forecasting things like hot cocoa and Ovaltine! Holy crap, this is a crisis—you will have to trust your intuition and find some alcohol without guidance. Let me know what you pick. The stars are real assholes sometimes.

Sagittarius, there’s a financial windfall coming your way. You’ll be able to fix up your house or buy some furniture…or build a spanky new bar. Take some time to think about how to spend your new riches. Take a relaxing walk; stagger around the countryside with a wine bottle perhaps. If necessary, wait until November to pull the trigger on a home improvement project (or just spend the money now on liquor).

You’re feeling flirtatious, Capricorn. More plainly, you’re feeling horny. This is great if you’re in a loving relationship, but if things have been rocky for a while then…strap in for some drama, because your flirtation will involve a new person. Hate to tell you this, but the stars aren’t too optimistic about it. They’re calling for lashings of disillusionment and pear vodka.

Aquarius, this week looks good for contacting people. So take a shower, find some clean underwear, and go outside. You’re so hungry for human contact that every encounter seems rife with energy and importance; even the most superficial exchange carries golden meaning. That’s what comes of being perpetually hosed on tequila and triple sec. Invite some people over to share it.

Pisces, technical problems abound this week. Your phone, your computer, your sat receiver—if it has a microchip it will give you a shit time. Even your car will act up, which is a good reason to stow the keys until this bad star situation passes. With your car keys safely put away you can really misbehave. Why not make a really frivolous martini…vodka with Chambord, for instance? Just don’t shake it anywhere near your stereo or keyboard.