specious advice

ASTROLIQUOR for September 21-27—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, for a change your ideas are in sync with those of your colleagues. This is an excellent time to boss them around. It’s also a good time to renegotiate financial matters, but make sure you state your case plainly. Don’t be afraid to lay on a sob story if you need to. Your vulnerability makes you charming this week! So fill up on rum and triple sec before you meet your banker, and things will go great.

Taurus, you have a smooth week ahead—perfect for coasting. Hang with some friends, read a good book, or see a movie. Have a martini party with that new Islay gin that my parents have refused to buy me. Don’t scrub the sink or clean any toilets; those tasks will kill your buzz. Avoid mess by barfing outside if you need to, and if you’re inside, try to aim properly.

Gemini, even if you don’t take the initiative, a drinking buddy will probably give you a call, inviting you to lunch. At first you’ll think it’s a debt collector and be all like I don’t know what you’re talking about; that person doesn’t live here. But then you’ll shake off last night’s vodka buzz and realize: this friend is awesome! Have a Midori Melon liquid lunch together.

Avoid all kinds of conversation this week, Cancer. No one’s telling you what you want to hear, and the basic subject matter is boring. This goes double for work-related interactions, so call in sick and hole up with a big-ass tequila bottle. Commune with no one except via email. Until this antisocial phase passes, the only pal you need is José Cuervo.

Leo, parts of your job description are downright unappealing. You want to skip them entirely, but if you do, your boss will rain holy shit on you. You could seek comfort in knowing that most people spend their lives doing unsuitable jobs that don’t engage their interests. Or you could just go to work drunk. Brain cells handle filing and mail-sorting best when they’re saturated with rum.

Get ready to meet a special person, Virgo. Not a love interest, so pull your pants up, but a new, super-durable friend who’ll like you for you no matter how much Kahlua’s sloshing around your head. So make yourself available—answer emails, texts, the phone even, because you don’t want to miss out on this new friendship. Oh yeah, and this is a good week to gamble with substantial sums of money too.

Libra, the stars say socialize. You’ll meet cool people this week—just not partner material. That’s okay, though…you have some bad habits to kick before you start scoping for a mate. For instance, you need to stop drinking Bud Light. Libras are supposed to have good taste, friend. The only night you should remain inside is Thursday (shit-faced Thursday, as your local pub calls it). Avoid that bar fight!

Resisting your spiritual side has produced an unfortunate side effect, Scorpio: a defensive wall around you that thwarts new friendships. Not everything is baloney, Scorpio—just most of it. Keen insights await you if you open the neuronal floodgates with some Jamaican dark rum. The more you drink, the more wonderful other people seem, as long as you don’t drink with assholes.

Sagittarius, it’s time to bear down and finish some projects. Even if they don’t end up too pretty, at least they’ll be done, and then you can enjoy Happy Hour. Your industrious phase will last through December, when you can relax and have Happy Days rather than just Happy Hours—not just one Grey Goose martini but ten. Start working!

Your star chart is crazy this week, Capricorn. What the hell those constellations mean, you’d have to ask a better astrologer. To me they say “Plymouth Gin.” Don’t let people con you into doing their work this week. You’ll thank yourself in December when the shit hits the fan at work and those people get blamed for that particular work being unfinished. Have a nice flirtation instead, or maybe just drink gin at work while your coworkers scamper around working.

Aquarius, you get the urge to run away from the mundane toward something novel. Do it! But remember that your ordinary world will continue to turn. All kinds of shit could go wrong in your absence if you don’t delegate before you run. Luckily the stars are furnishing you with charisma this week; people will fall over themselves to obey you. Your drink is equal parts amaretto, cream de cacao, and cream. Ahhh! Delegation indeed.

Pisces, don’t be coerced into taking on undesirable work. Be strong on this point, even if a colleague attacks you personally—even if someone blackmails you with the empty rum-bottle collection at the back of your desk. People at work can be dickheads, so watch your back! Either clean up those empties or start sharing your booze, or you’ll spend the week fending off attacks.

ASTROLIQUOR for September 14-20—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, one of your peeps is jealous of you. Whether it’s your liquor cabinet, your life partner, or the way you sleep in all day, that envy will come to a boil this week. When you ease off the Malibu and realize your ex-chum is bad-mouthing you, you’re gonna freak. And Aries…as usual there is a bar fight in the offing. Don’t let it happen! Stay inside! Close the drapes! Drink more Malibu!

Taurus, your house is looking shabby. That couch you thought was so wicked cool way back when…those pastel walls…that shaggy carpet. It’s all been barfed on one too many times, and it’s rum-and-stomach-acid odour is so rank that not even your Jehovah’s Witness visitors care to stay and chat. Find a friend with good judgment, who’s not pissed on rum, to help you redecorate.

Not only are you a little psychologically uneven these days, Gemini, you’re bored. Time to find some excitement, and the stars are pointing either toward the bar scene or…the health club. (Sometimes the stars just like to hedge their bets.) The choice is a no-brainer—get yourself to the nearest pub and order a row of tequila shots. Behave obnoxiously until you’re no longer bored.

The stars call for heavy socializing this week, Cancer. You might even add to your friend list if you open your mind. Hell, why not open your booze shelves to the neighborhood and have a house-wrecker party? Open the door and scream, “Vanilla vodka!” and see if anyone comes running. Whoever does might end up sleeping in your bathtub, especially on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.

Leo, you’ll meet someone with an unusual accent. Try not to be a douche. You sound pretty funny yourself when you’re burping up blackberry liqueur and rum. This is the opportunity to start a new friendship—possibly featuring a leather thong. Enjoy it until December when planet Mars goes apeshit in your relationship house and one of you takes out a restraining order. The good news is that a friend with flesh-eating disease is going to be okay.

Friendships become increasingly precious as we age, Virgo. Why not get in touch with an old friend or two? Especially if you severed contact suddenly or on bad terms, now’s the time to reconnect. For instance, what about your ex? The best approach is to fill up on a half-decent blended whiskey…say, six ounces with some soda and bitters…then pick up the phone. Yeah, do it!

Libra, if you’re in a helping profession, you can expect a great week. Everyone is so happy to see you; there’s not enough of you to go around. Perhaps you’re doing your job too well. After all, if your job description includes changing adult diapers, you don’t want to be too popular. Try incorporating gin and creme de menthe into your work day; it should help you avoid being specially requested.

Sometimes coworkers can be so critical, Scorpio, especially the ones who are gunning for you right now. Take a deep breath and ignore them. What are they going to do, report you? They don’t even have justification, do they? Doesn’t everyone (besides you) arrive at work with a Thermos of Purple Honker (yes! equal parts strawberry liqueur and Maui Blue Hawaiian schnapps with or without 7-up)? Don’t worry that your nitpicky colleagues might get you fired; you’ll win something next week.

Sagittarius, Irish whisky is the thief of time. You know you have a project begging your attention, and yet it’s so awesome to combine three parts Bushmill’s with two parts Bailey’s over ice in an old-fashioned glass. (Okay, so the stars are saying you need to tackle your project, that it will be rewarding, etc. But the stars are very far away.)

You don’t usually talk about your sexy time, Capricorn. But given enough dark rum, you’ll express all kinds of random preferences…Which will work out for you this week if you cross paths with an adventurous Virgo. Who knows what you’ll get up to…it will be very quick and messy though. Others will frown on it. Give them some dark rum and they will understand.

Aquarius, what is your job? Like, what do you do? Is it what you always thought you’d do? Usually it isn’t. And this week you realize you haven’t been following your heart. You won’t have time over the next three months to really figure this out, but that’s okay because you’ll have too much Goldschlager in your system to act on your conclusions. Yes, you can get drunk on that shit. You just need a strong stomach.

Pisces, change is on the horizon. Usually change (for you) involves a move (from home to jail, for example), the loss of routine (your job), or predation in the wild (other homeless people banging on your cardboard box). But this time it’s different. Your life is on a big uptick, Pisces! You have new maturity and new perspective, and Saturday may even introduce a new romantic interest. Yay! If only you had some booze, but the stars are saying no this week. Stupid stars.

ASTROLIQUOR for September 7-13—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, even if you’ve been feeling your age lately, this week brings new energy. Whatever age you were happiest, that’s the way you’ll feel. Hark back to relatively mature times and you may find yourself sipping a Grey Goose martini. But good luck if you long for less mature times—you could end up shotgunning beers at the park. With apologies for gross stereotyping, this is a kick-ass way to feel young.

Taurus, this is the week to complete important negotiations. The terms won’t get more favorable, so sign the documents already. The sooner you get this boring task done, the sooner you can hit that box of white wine that’s been giving you come-hither looks. Mix it up with some Galiano (after you finish the financial stuff).

When things are tough, Gemini, the stars advise hitting the bars and finding a stranger to listen to your troubles. A real psychologist would just cost you money ($100 and hour? or four bottles of Smirnoff?…you do the math), plus they’d have all sorts of rules about bringing flasks to the office, etc.  Who needs professionals? Any stranger with a sufficiently high blood-alcohol level will be happily regaled by you.

Life feels hard right now, Cancer, but you just need some perspective. The world is full of real problems, and you…well, your worst hardship is having to settle for a mocktail when you want a cocktail. But the stars are recommending mocktails to you this week. What total BS. The stars are zillions of light years away, and arguably their recommendations are therefore zillions of years old. Read no further; go and get drunk.

Leo, you suddenly realize you’ve been living behind a façade. Look at yourself in the mirror…who the hell are you anyway? Getting to know the real you may take time and involve a stack of gooey self-help books, which sounds like totally boring busy-work. Instead of engaging in an uphill battle to know thyself, learn to love the fake you—then mix yourself a glitzy gin-and-Goldschlager to celebrate the joys of artificiality.

You’ve worked so hard, Virgo. You’ve slaved away and put everything you had into a project at work, only to receive faint praise. Nor are you happy with the results. As for what your boss thinks…you might need a cardboard box. You certainly need a supply of Hypnotiq, Blue Curacao, and Malibu. Because when you’re blue, there’s nothing like a blue drink.

Libra, you are fretting about small things. Cut yourself some slack. With all your worrying, you’ve barely noticed that you have a well-dressed admirer. The stars (which don’t like being wrong) say this potential flirtation features an Aries, an Aquarius, or a Gemini. Talk about hedging your bets, stars. But they also call for shots of Bailey’s and butterscotch schnapps, so you can’t very well argue.

Your personal life is out of control, Scorpio. Since this is fairly normal for you, there’s no need to sweat it. Distract yourself by rearranging the furniture or discovering what you get when you combine red wine and rum in equal parts, then toss some random fruits into it (the booze, not the furniture). Maintain a permanent vat of this on your coffee table and you’ll never want for visitors.

Sagittarius, you get a break from being designated driver, which calls for a big Stolichnaya-Jagermeister bender. But don’t get so hammered that you won’t realize it when a drunken friend tries to get behind the wheel. Peel that moron out of his/her car, moralize drunkenly, and call a cab. Drinking is awesome—we don’t need it spoilt by idiots.

A charity hits you up for money, Capricorn. If you don’t agree with its message, don’t feel pressured to give. If you do agree, by all means give, but save some cash for the liquor cabinet. Maybe you can volunteer time rather than money? Otherwise you won’t be able to afford this week’s celestial recommendation: Vana Tallinn. Plus you’ll meet cool new people volunteering (maybe an interesting Leo). But watch out for “frenemies” this week!

Aquarius, are you by any chance an organ donor? Consider filling out a card this week; practically everything barring your liver should be usable. If that’s a little too morbid for you, why not donate blood? Unless it’s full of rum. Come to think of it, maybe you could just be nice to people this week…which you usually are anyway. Hmmm, what do the stars suggest, then? Just go and get a haircut or something.

Pisces, this week features unlikely meetings with people you thought you’d never see again. If you’ve been hankering for social connection, this is a good thing. If you’re in the witness protection program, this is a bad thing. Accordingly, be careful whether you stay in or go outside. If you have a partner, life may get turbulent this week. Smooth it out with as much Kahlua as you can absorb.