My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

This is a very special week for you, Aries, which means you’ll be off the dole soon. If you can snag a job interview this week, take it, because you are hot, hot, HOT. The only thing that could ruin it for you is a bender. That’s why I’m recommending a gin & Coca Cola combination—your gag reflex will save you from yourself. Then again, you might like it, in which case…enjoy the soaps.

Taurus, the dark times are ending. Yes, things are getting happier, but shit in your house still keeps breaking. Could it be that you are knocking it down while drunk? Try to put breakables away before you start mixing vodka and Mountain Dew. Then you won’t need to spend your booze money on repairs. Oh, and one more thing: there’s an ill-intentioned Sagittarius stalking you, so don’t lose consciousness. I’m sorry if that’s creepy, but it was in the stars.

You are focused on beautiful things this week, Gemini—sculpture, paintings, pretty clothes. Don’t forget beautiful drinks! Here’s the perfect recipe for something pink and lovely:

• 1 oz white rum
• 1 oz vodka
• 1 oz gin
• 0.5 oz Grand Marnier
• Splashes of cranberry or tropical juice

Shake with ice, then pour into an old-fashioned glass and garnish with a cherry. Beautiful to look at! But you won’t look so hot after half a dozen.

Cancer, you’ll encounter a stranger this week who turns out to be more familiar than you thought. A friend of a friend perhaps, or maybe an old school buddy from long ago. You’ll bond strongly over Jack Daniel’s. Be careful, though, and establish some facts before you start slurping it off each other. This person could be your cousin. Oh, snap!

Wish I could predict a torrid affair for you or at least some small intrigue, but it’s a “nothing” week, Leo, which is probably good for you and certainly good for the police. Whatever stimulation you need is up to you! Make sure you have a nice bottle of wine to keep you company or—if you’re bored out of your mind—a big bottle of Smirnoff.

You’re feeling young, Virgo, maybe even ten or twenty years younger than your actual age. Act quickly before self-consciousness intrudes, and install yourself at the trendiest bar you can find. Order embarrassing drinks and spread the love. I see you covered in whipped cream with people pointing and laughing behind you. YEAH! Here’s a good drink for second childhood:

• 1.5 oz creme de cacao
• 0.5 oz banana liqueur
• 0.5 oz coconut cream
• 3 oz cream

If you are seriously old and on heart meds, forgo the cream and order milk. You’ll still manage to embarrass yourself.

This is the time to negotiate all things financial, Libra, at least until the end of the week. Then it’s time to contact old friends. Remember you need to phone or visit people once in a while—phone sex doesn’t a full life make. Tell your friends you’ll give them special coffee if they come over, then load them up with cherry brandy. They might not have sex with you, but at least you’ll use up all that languishing Kirschwasser.

Your psychological problems are becoming more public, Scorpio. Try talking to a professional about stuff that’s bothering you. If that person turns out to be an idiot, trust the bottle instead—but only something strong will do. Dial back your angst with equal parts tequila, Jagermeister and peppermint schnapps. If that combo doesn’t cure you, it’ll spur a psychotic break, and sometimes those are cathartic.

Sagittarius, your problems seem very big, but if you read the news you’ll realize they are minuscule. Am I lecturing you? Yes, because the stars tell me you’ll be stalking a Taurus this week. Stop that! Adventures are good, but only when your special friends are willing. Here’s some preemptive punishment: Cointreau-and-cognac shots! Do lots of them so you’ll stay at home and avoid being a nuisance.

You’ve been doing too much pretending, Capricorn. You barely know yourself any more, and people are starting to think you’re a douche. Part of the problem is your pretentiousness about wine and whiskey. If you adhere to very high-quality alcohol, your tastebuds become spoiled. Reset your tastes with something bizarre before you become intolerable. Here’s your prescription:

• 3 oz watermelon vodka
• 3 oz watermelon rum
• 2 oz apple schnapps
• 2 oz berry schnapps
• 2 oz watermelon schnapps
• Gingerale to taste (I recommend “none”)

Shake it up and down it. After that, any wine is gonna taste awesome.

Aquarius, that thing you’ve been working on, that you’ve poured your heart into, that thing you’ve sweat blood for—well, your boss thinks it sucks. Drown your sorrows with some nice Russian vodka. A vodka bottle will never call you a loser. A vodka bottle is your friend. All the bottles are your friends.

Pisces, this week features an erotic attraction to two or three people, maybe all at once. Obviously liquor will be needed to manifest this idea properly. Malibu should do the trick, with lashings of melon, banana and cherry liqueur. With all those flavors flying around, the whole gang will be happy, and at least some of you should score.