Jagermeister

ASTROLIQUOR for March 16-22—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’re itching to solve a puzzle, Aries. If you’re into paranormal exploration, this is the week for it. So get out that Ouija board and start channeling. Perhaps Fluffy, the possessed bear who is freaking the shit out of me, could join you on Saturday. You guys could break out the vanilla vodka and talk to the dead. And I’d stay home with our Malibu dregs, feeling safer than I’ve felt since he came to live with us.

Taurus, your friends are uncomfortable with you. You’ve been so busy building your career and gathering possessions that you’ve bored the hell out of them. Sort your relationships out with a Malibu party. Ten parts Malibu to 20 parts lime-flavored rum (plus some Blue Curacao to make it pretty) should do it. You’ll have your friends back in no time—reeling and vomiting all over your house.

All your peeps are slacking off, Gemini, and for some reason the lectures are coming easily to you. But be careful—your lack of diplomacy will give you headaches later. People who go on self-righteous streaks should always remain indoors where they can yell at the TV while pounding Bombay Sapphire. Be nice to the pets, though, and consider sharing your gin with them.

All that Everclear in your system is catching up with you, Cancer. Time to switch gears, hit the spa, and—dare I say it—ease off on the liver. If you can stretch that organ out until 2020 or so, you’ll be able to get a spanky new one grown in a lab. As cool as that sounds, you’ll need to make some wise investments so you can afford it. This is a great week to research financial options. (And after a little rest you can start hitting the Everclear/Red Bull/Gatorade shitmix again.)

Leo, your mouth could get you into trouble this week. Remember, you’re not telling a lie if you opt not to say something. I know, it’s very hard to withhold the truth when you’re absolutely hammered. So here’s an unpalatable cocktail that you won’t be able to consume in bulk:

  • 3 oz Jagermeister
  • 1 oz rootbeer schnapps (yes! they make this stuff)
  • 1/3 oz Goldschlager
  • 1 oz Dr. Pepper

Then again, you might really dig this drink, in which case you’d better drink a LOT of it so you can’t talk at all.

You’re looking good this week, Virgo, and nothing seems to vex you. Colleagues are asking what your secret is. Tell them it’s Smirnoff pear-flavored vodka with a little Chambord that gives you your rosy glow and increases your productivity at work. What better way to get people off your back about the flask?

Libra, the spiritual world is beckoning. Whether you have a chance encounter with a psychic or whether you have a demonic golem like Fluffy in your house, now’s the time to engage with the supernatural. It’s not weird; even the most pragmatic people can benefit from meditation. And if meditation doesn’t help you find your Third Eye, there’s always Smirnoff. Try it with creme de cacao, triple sec, and cream. Ahhhh! Transcendence!

You get a burst of power this week, Scorpio. Now’s the time to control other people and get things done. So confident are you that you’ll arrive late for every single appointment—unapologetic and drunk. It’s exactly as awesome as it sounds. Drink scotch openly and no one will say a word against you. You are invincible!

Sagittarius, you have a sick friend who needs attention. Be supportive; this friend will rally to your side in the future. Opportunities to be unselfish lead to personal growth, which you desperately need. Although you’ve solidified a reputation as a vodka-swilling slacker, you’re entering a successful phase.

Daydreams capture your imagination, Capricorn, giving your work a semblance of smoothness. But a difficult problem will arise, requiring the support of colleagues to solve it. Oh no! With coworkers going into your file cabinets it will be hard to hide those bottles of JD, Wild Turkey, and Bacardi 151. Better be preemptive and share first. After all, these people might get you promoted. Oh yeah, and one of them wants to have sex with you. Don’t do it! He/she is attached to someone who will seek revenge. Ack!

Aquarius, it’s okay to masturbate in front of the TV, but make sure the blinds are drawn; your neighbors are getting an eyeful. Likewise at the supermarket, bakery, or bus stop—be discreet! Maybe you need some alcohol to keep you out of trouble and dampen your horny impulses. Put Bacardi on your shopping list.

Pisces, your ambitions are on the upswing, as is your love life. You’ll have a brief flirtation this week, followed by some watermelon schnapps madness, but it won’t pan out. Just as well—with the stars supplying plenty of career and educational opportunities this week, small dalliances can only distract you from your path. If you try hard, you can stay out of jail.

ASTROLIQUOR for Feb. 24 to March 1—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you are missing out on valuable REM sleep. Try to meditate during your daytime pre-drinking hours. See if you can go into a dreaming state, then write everything down that you see. You’ll be surprised at the creative thoughts churning around in your head. Those ideas want to get out of your head, but they have to swim through a lot of Smirnoff.

Taurus, your mornings are pretty rough this week—aches, pains, tremors. A nice steam bath will fix you up and, one would hope, involve washing that vodka sweat off…so hurry and do it, because your colleagues expect you to deliver a big presentation. OMG, can you hold it together with a headful of Absolut and Cointreau? Let positive thoughts wash over you. Make your presentation as vapid and catchword-laden as possible. Your audience will cheer and invite you out for more drinks.

Relationships are evolving, Gemini, and generally for the better. You’re figuring out what people mean to you, and which Facebook friends you can jettison. This will help you focus at work and give you more time to enjoy gin with coconut cream. Meanwhile, there’s a very seductive Capricorn making your fur stand on end. Be careful…your partner knows all about it. Better make sure you have extra gin.

Cancer, if you’ve been single for a while, this week features an exciting new fling. But if you’re in a long-term relationship, you’ll be yawning a bit. Those of you in the former category, enjoy. Those of you in the latter category, enjoy this:

  • 2 oz dark rum
  • 2 oz light rum
  • 2 oz whiskey
  • 1/4 cup creme de cacao
  • 4 oz cream of coconut

Blend and pour over crushed ice. This is as interesting as it’s gonna get for you this week, so get busy.

Leo, a friend who’s into charitable works will ask you for help with a cause this week. Your impulse is to say yes, throw aside your work, family and all other considerations, and help your friend. That’s cool, but make sure it’s a real charity you’re helping. You don’t want to commit your time to sewing pointy white hats or collecting Richard Dawkins books for an anti-evolution bonfire. The best way to avoid this sort of bad judgment is to break out the rum the moment you wake up. Then keep pouring it in your coffee all day. Ahhhh! When your friend phones, you won’t even be able to form the word “hello.”

Why are you letting yourself get trodden on, Virgo? Normally you’re pretty good at taking care of yourself, but this week brings insecurity and obsessive compulsiveness. The little details overwhelm you, and you lose focus on boundaries. Just like Leo, the best way to avoid being taken advantage of is to hole up inside with a strong drink. I see you lying on the kitchen floor, 12 parts Jagermeister and six parts apple vodka swirling around your brain. If that’s not being the captain of your soul, I don’t know what is.

Libra, your recent pessimism has taken a hike, and skies look blue to you now. Everything is going your way, your energy is bubbling, and you feel safe and secure. Naturally this makes you magnetic to others. Saturday will bring plenty of admirers, including one who’s willing to split a bottle of bourbon with you. Go for it.

The stars are influencing you positively this week, Scorpio. The social calendar looks good, especially Thursday, and you’re fielding attractive invitations to dinner. It’s tempting to order everything on the menu, and not such a bad idea if you want to absorb alcohol and stay alert dessert, which is, naturally, a liquid suggestion:

  • 5 oz espresso vodka
  • 2 oz chocolate liqueur
  • Hershey’s syrup to taste

Sagittarius, although you’ve been vehemently in favor of one strategy at work, this week you’ll do an about-face, causing everyone to wonder if you are a lush. But you’re not the only screw-up at work. So you freak out and let everyone have it! You belittle your colleagues: the weak links, the laggards, the busybodies—everybody. Then you pull a big bottle of Bombay Sapphire out of your desk drawer and openly shake it up with some vermouth in your Starbucks mug. Wow! Unforeseen holiday for you.

You’re fed up with the slow pace at work, Capricorn. But even though you feel you should be further ahead in your career, your colleagues respect and appreciate you. They don’t see your insecurities because you mask them so well behind a constant, some would say shit-eating, rye-whiskey-fueled grin.

Aquarius, a long-hoped-for meeting will take place this week. But you may be disappointed with the other person; he/she can’t possibly live up to your expectations. This will strain the relationship, leading to a mutual bender involving vodka, rum, and whatever else you two can think of to make each other more tolerable. Try Midori Melon liqueur—it gives everyone a happy sheen.

Pisces, there’s no sense getting angry at that coworker who swiped your Kool-Aid/vodka/rum concoction from the communal fridge. Although your boss may back you up, he/she will also remember the incident, when really you should maintain a low profile. You’ll need it for the next time the cops come into your workplace looking for you. You want to be that guy whose name the boss doesn’t remember.

How safe is that drink? Lift-off drinks…and their scary side

My Fellow Inebriates,

My dad drinks rocket-fuel coffee for breakfast. I’m talking five espresso shots in a mug with honey every morning, after which he asks himself if he should switch to decaf.

I usually miss this ritual because I don’t get up until later, but last night I didn’t manage to drag myself to bed and instead passed out on the couch, which made me easy prey for the kids, who pounced on me in the morning.

After an hour of their abuse I realized how exhausted I was—how mangy and straggly, how lacking in energy. My dad’s nuclear-strength coffee suddenly looked good, and what bear can resist honey?

Holy f&*#^*# crap, people!! What kind of voltage is my dad administering to himself? I needed a freaking defibrillator after drinking his coffee, and now I’m wondering if my dad isn’t secretly super-human.

Among all the mental fireworks, a lightbulb went off in my head—I could drink a lot more alcohol if I ingested caffeine along with it. With a caffeine boost I wouldn’t pass out so easily and I could take my alcoholism to a whole new level.

It’s not a new idea, of course. Combining uppers and downers is a way of life for many people, some of them deeply psychotic. A range of alcoholic products appeal to this niche market (as well as teenagers) by combining booze with ingredients such as caffeine, taurine, and guarana. Phusion Projects served up this magical combo for several years in its Four Loko product until it was banned in several states, prompting the company to rejig the recipe and ditch the stimulants. The FDA sent a warning letter to three other companies adding caffeine to booze, citing the beverages as a “public health concern.” Health Canada is even more emphatic about the dangers of combining alcohol and caffeine.

I feel deeply psychotic myself after sampling my dad’s coffee, and drinking alcohol strikes me as a natural curative. What’s the problem?

  • According to the FDA, “caffeine can mask some of the sensory cues individuals might normally rely on to determine their level of intoxication.” Cues such as passing out.
  • Teenagers comprise a huge market for energy drinks and gravitate naturally to the alcoholic variety when they’re loitering in the liquor store parking lot looking for someone to boot for them.
  • Last year 16 Canadians were hospitalized due to heart palpitations, seizures, and strokes brought on by energy drinks. Of the 79 adverse reaction reports filed, half were deemed serious and four life-threatening, plus there were two deaths. Nine cases involved alcohol, but which cases and what the impact of the combination was hasn’t been reported.
  • A Dalhousie University study shows that when students combine energy drinks and alcohol, they double their alcohol intake. Wow! That’s exactly the effect I was looking for when the lightbulb flashed this morning and my one or two neurons decided booze and stimulants were better than Fred and Ginger. Health Canada says no, LB, no!

It’s probably a good thing these combo drinks are off the market, because I would go ahead and drink them in massive quantities, and my little furry body would probably disintegrate.

Paul Chiasson, The Canadian Press

But in the certifiable absence of common sense, what’s to prevent me from buying some Red Bull and mixing it with alcohol? “Good taste,” says my mum, whose car window was once smashed by a hooligan who pitched a Red Bull at it from a moving vehicle. Pregnant and emotional, she stood wailing on the sidewalk beside the shattered glass, vowing hatred against Red Bull simply because the perp was long gone and she had no other target for her outrage.

Could I order the recipe at a bar?

It depends where you live. Some states have banned drinks like the Jägerbomb (Jägermeister and Red Bull), as have some areas of Australia. Canada classifies Red Bull, Monster, and Rockstar as foods and Jägermeister as alcohol, warning against the upper/downer mixture, but ultimately it’s up to the consumer—who usually turns out to be a young party animal whose cerebral cortex hasn’t developed the capacity for sober second thought. These are totally my people! But I don’t want to steer anybody toward bad choices. Personally, I don’t enjoy impulse control at all, so don’t heed my ideas. Here I defer to the government and advise picking either the energy drink or the booze.

You know which one I’ll pick.