My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

It’s time to do all the chores you’ve been neglecting, Aries, which means cleaning up all the rum. What a mess a liquor cabinet becomes when it contains too many partially used bottles. Get drinking and finish some off. Sure, it’s early, but it’s also the holiday season, so you can do whatever you want. Oh yeah, and you’re going to lose a crapload of money gambling this week. Try to spend your casino money on white rum.

Taurus, you need to make a crazy party punch full of all kinds of fruits and juices AND—don’t forget this part—a gallon each of Everclear, Smirnoff and Sailor Jerry’s. Throw some triple sec in for character and you’re ready for the holidays. Sounds like a big quantity? Not really—you just have to start at breakfast. BTW, you are going to run out of money making this, and there won’t be any more until February.

You’ve been drunk for a long time, Gemini. So drunk that one morning you wake up and can’t recognize anybody. This is a great thing—an invaluable opportunity to reinvent yourself. And the best way to do that is to make new friends at the bar. Try buying them Smirnoff & Midori melon drinks.

Get your affairs in order, Cancer, so you can relax. Once you take care of business, you can turn your attention to making bizarre drinks for yourself and whatever weirdos you pick up around town. Here’s a good one: 4 cups lager + 1 cup sherry…with melon balls thrown into it, floating around. Yum, right?

I see a bar fight for you this week, Leo, featuring an angry Aquarius. Don’t worry; you’ll have a threesome with a Taurus and a Capricorn later in the week. Give yourself a preemptive spank with this creation:

• 1.5 oz banana schnapps
• 1.5 oz vanilla vodka
• 1 oz Bacardi 151

Don’t eat too much this week, Virgo. Why eat when you can sustain yourself with tequila? If the room starts to spin, go out for a nice walk. All sorts of people will laugh at you as you stagger along. Think of it as holiday spirit, not ridicule because you forgot to put on pants.

Libra, there are some voices in your head telling you to do hectic, seasonal things like cook a turkey. Don’t listen to them! You have drinks to mix, and if you consume enough of them, you’ll be off the hook for cooking duty. Here’s a drink recipe to start:

• 1 cup sweet-and-sour mix
• 3 oz melon liqueur
• 2 oz Blue Curacao
• 2 oz amaretto
• 2 oz raspberry vodka
• Lots of ice

Yes, it’s a big quantity, but you can do it.

People are starting to bore you, Scorpio. This is compounded by the fact that you’ve pulled Designated Driver duty this week. Take it seriously and abstain while you’re out, but once you’ve dropped your boring friends off, hit the vodka (with Jagermeister and Goldschlager of course).

Sagittarius, everything feels like it’s against you, but try to remember it’s been worse before. Ride out this depressive episode in bed with a tumbler of Irish whiskey beside you.

You are being watched, Capricorn. You’re not imagining it, and the watcher is a Scorpio. Don’t ignore this seemingly creepy person; he/she may have something useful for you, whether it be a job or casual sex. Your drink is amaretto—put it in everything.

You’re changing mentally, Aquarius, and not necessarily for the best. People around you are noticing and wondering whether you’re in some sort of destructive spiral. They wonder if it will be like a road accident to watch, or whether you’ll give them a laugh on your downward trajectory. Since no sort of psychological implosion is complete without alcohol, here’s a colorful recipe:

• 3 oz lemon vodka
• 2 oz melon liqueur
• 1 oz Blue Curacao
• 1 oz lemon or lime juice
• 2 oz sweet-and-sour mix

Blend it up with ice. Never mind other people.

Pisces, you’re getting annoyed at others’ shirking of responsibilities. Clearly, you are too sober. If you had sufficient alcohol levels, you wouldn’t care whether your coworkers were working or whether the kid at Starbucks knows how to make a latte. Get on the festive train and stop pissing on everybody’s parade. Vodka martinis for you ASAP.

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

It’s time for holiday parties, Aries, and your key word is networking this week. Unfortunately you’ll need to keep your wits about you, because you’re a real bad-ass about bar fights when you’re loaded. Choose high-fat festive drinks to soak up some alcohol. I’m thinking eggnog with rum and Kahlua for you.

Taurus, this week features long-distance relationships. This can get really maudlin. Be careful when you’re skyping not to spill your holiday apple cider all over the keyboard, or get naked, because it can all be recorded 😉

There’s money in your future this week, Gemini. The best place to invest it is your liquor cabinet. You can afford a classy gin. Try mixing it with dry sherry in a rocks glass, garnished with lemon.

Although you’re a romantic at heart, Cancer, it’s not often that you let people enter your precious inner rectum sanctum. With horny love planet Venus in your relationship house it’s a good time to drop your pants guard. Sexy times call for sexy drinks, so how about combining triple sec, Malibu and peach schnapps in equal amounts? That should facilitate good times.

You have an urge to beautify yourself this week, Leo, as Venus tours your house of healthy living. Just remember: if you add pineapple juice to anything, it becomes healthy. Go with white tequila.

You’ve been doing a lot of stalking lately, Virgo, but it’s finally time to make your move. Don’t worry, you’re on a hot streak. There’s gotta be someone special out there who doesn’t mind the smell of cheap whiskey and maple syrup in the morning.

It’s home improvement time, Libra, but as usual you have to be careful not to overcommit. It would be just like you to go all-in on some DIY idea and then bail, leaving all the shit lying around your kitchen for the next year. That’s because you’re always drunk. If you insist on being industrious, try mixing up this awesome drink:

• 1.5 oz rum
• 0.5 oz bourbon
• 0.5 oz creme de cacao
• 0.5 oz blackberry brandy

That should keep you busy, and it doesn’t matter if it’s splattered around your kitchen for a few days.

Think locally, act drunkenly, Scorpio. There’s a lot of great stuff going on in your neighborhood, obviating the need to drive. It’s more fun reeling around on foot anyway. I can see you hammered on the street corner, reeking of whiskey and orange-flavored vodka.

Sagittarius, you’re flush again and ready to throw all that cash into liquor. Have you ever tried vanilla vodka? Go get some! Throw it together 2:1 with Southern Comfort. If you get the urge to go outside and find new friends, pour your mixture into a bottle of Green Gatorade and take it outside! What flavor is Green Gatorade anyway? I have no idea.

You’re unaccountably popular this week, Capricorn. You’re a magnet, and people are on you like flies. Buy them drinks. Malibu drinks! They will love that. Take them to your house, get out the blender and blend more Malibu drinks. Try frozen pink lemonade, Malibu and whipped cream. Mmmm. When everybody gets too drunk, kick them out.

You’re still stressed out, Aquarius, so your job is to create a dreamy mindscape for yourself. Relax… What? Yeah, I know, it’s hard to let go. I know how that is. If you can’t ease your tension, you need a shit-kicking mixture to assist. Here’s the ultimate combo: 2 oz each Cuervo, Jack Daniels, Johnnie Walker and Jim Beam. That’s all! Mix them all up, equal parts, and sip till you don’t care.

Pisces, there’s a party going on near you, and the networking possibilities are huge. That means tequila. Tequila with Corona—yeah!! Who knows, maybe you’ll wake up with your boss.