humor

The year in review—late, disorganized, and inconclusive

I missed the boat on New Year’s Resolutions (as with every year). But this year there wasn’t even a reminder; the family (humans) went out, and we bears did what we do best. We had a staring contest—which Fluffy won. Whether he knew he was a contestant is another story.

So, instead of fragile resolutions, an LBHQ retrospective for 2012.

THE GOOD THE UGLY
Dad went to work for the Man. He took a corporate job, which left me to my own devices during the day. Dad collapsed his 10-year-old business. We are still sorting everything out. (Which calls for alcohol.)
I met tons of great bloggers. At first WordPress suggested I follow bloggers and make comments, and so I did, but little did I know how many I would come to follow diligently…for the sheer awesomeness of the writing. What an amazing community we’ve got here, my fellow inebriates. I can’t keep up. There is such a lot of good writing out there. Plus I’m jealous of a lot of you.
I got to review 119 types of booze in 2012.

DSCN2986

 I drank them, and now they’re gone. And we might all be alcoholics now.

"Bearly had a chance," said my dad.

 
I retired my Facebook wrestler, LB the Alcoholic Bear. This felt like the right thing to do. Wrestler is a total waste of time, and I felt guilty every second I was playing. A sudden urge came over me, and he’s playing again.
Dad bought a BMW. At last! He has always wanted one. I didn’t get to ride in it until December. We bears were jonesing to ride in the Bimmer. Instead the movers seized us and stuck us in the back of the truck.
We changed headquarters. New (old) house, more space, closer to school, better for…well, drinking. The new LBHQ is awesome. Our move was so f#cked-up and unorganized that we actually left stuff behind. Not small stuff like toilet brushes (although we did leave one of those—doesn’t everybody?). We left big stuff, like a bed—a king-size bed. Mazel tov, new owners, enjoy your bed.
Paranormal events calmed down at LBHQ. For a while it was crazy around here, with Granny’s ghost haunting Fluffy. All kinds of things were bashing around in the night. Either Granny has adjusted to being dead, or she got lost on the way to the new house. Fluffy is now on his own. Totally blank.Fluffy possessed copy
Miss V started kindergarten. For the first time in seven years, the house is quiet between 8:00 and 3:00. Yeah, and I thought I’d have opposably thumbed typists at my beck and call. They went to work instead.
We Work Out Every Day. OMG! The insanity of it. But we have to process that booze somehow. OMG! The insanity of it. Steve Nash, are you out of money? You should fix the toilets at that gym of yours.
With both kids in school, you can actually read books without interruption. Finally, being able to sink into books. More books were read at LBHQ this year than in the last ten years. Did one of those kids take Glen Bear to school? He disappeared and never turned up. 😦

Glen as a baby, 2006
Freshly Pressed! It happened, it happened! Or maybe it was all a dream. Hell, I don’t know. Okay, so I took on 40% more followers, and yet maintained the same daily hits. Hmmmm. Oh well, what the hell—math is for the sober.
LBHQ got its first booze sample. Yes!! It was beer: a six-pack that disappeared in a flash. Apparently it’s not legal to courier booze in Canada, even across town. Naively, I wrote a post enthusing about the delivery, only to learn I’d implicated my benefactor in a crime. The $64,000 question: Will they ever send us beer again?
The world didn’t end in 2012. Sometimes I thought Scarybear wanted it to, but it didn’t. It still might. As Scary says, now we have “indefinite” time to contemplate how.

asteroid hit

FREIXENET CARTA NEVADA BRUT—Questionable choice to ring in the New Year

I love New Year and the sparkling wine that comes with it, but OMG, my fellow inebriates, I can’t get my nose into those narrow little flutes.

Thankfully, Miss P had a solution. She used an empty apple-sauce container as a trough for yours truly so I could enjoy New Year as well.DSCN2998

“Isn’t that a bit humiliating?” someone asked.

Well, you tell me. Is it more humiliating than trying to stuff your head into a 1.5-inch hole?

Ahhhh, but that’s how you enjoy the bubbly experience. Flute-shaped stemware helps retain carbonation with its reduced surface area at the opening. The whole idea is to reduce nucleation so the bubbles keep sparkling as long as possible.

But does it matter? With a champagne flute, I get nothing. With P’s trough, I get some of the cheap-ass bubbly (my parents went all out: $4.72 for a 200-mL bottle of FREIXENT CARTA NEVADA BRUT). Thing is, once it’s been poured into my trough, the bubbles are gone.DSCN2997

But how does it taste?

I’ve had it with bubbles and I’ve had it without. And it definitely needs bubbles. It needs them as a distraction from its tangy-sour-bitter nastiness. While Freixenet has some reasonable bubbly out there, this is not among those offerings. Imagine drinking something at the stroke of midnight that reminded you of dissolved Aspirin—persistent screaming high notes, a medicinal chord, and little else. All it has, my fellow inebriates, is fizz.

So do not drink it out of a trough, friends, even if a helpful little seven-year-old offers her apple-sauce cup for that purpose. This stuff is difficult to drink—it needs all the help that effervescence can give it. If the New Year’s ritual were important to you, maybe you could slug back one flute, but more would be masochistic.

My dad, however, went over the line. He threw his FREIXENET out without finishing it. Like no one would have helped him with it.