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ASTROLIQUOR for May 18-24—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Your energy soars this week, Aries, making you the envy of colleagues—especially a Gemini. Fortunately you have distractions, such as one nagging little task you’ve always been too drunk to wrap your head around. This is a good week to sober up a little and tackle it properly. It may involve precise measurements or power tools, in which case you wouldn’t want to be cruising on anything stronger than lager.

Taurus, you’re working diligently for a change—confident, energetic, and ready to defend your decisions if necessary. A promotion is very likely if you keep on this path, so keep demonstrating your willingness to take on new work, and leave the flask at home for the time being. You can behave temporarily! Stay alert all day, then reward yourself with a nice expensive port or brandy when you get home.

This week features a psychotic break for you, Gemini, with gape-jawed friends and family wondering what the hell happened. It all springs from restlessness, but don’t bother trying to preempt it—it’s in the stars. The key thing is to recognize it and stay out of harm’s way when it happens. Here’s a recipe to keep you busy:

  • 3 oz rum
  • 3 oz vodka
  • 3 oz triple sec
  • 3 oz sloe gin
  • 3 oz Jim Beam
  • Whatever juice you have (optional)

This is a real creeper. Enjoy your week off!

You feel very settled and comfortable, Cancer. Avoid any adventures; this week is for gathering your strength and cultivating stability. Does this mean you can’t get loaded? Absolutely not! But no more reeling around at the bus shelter. Sip some Goldschlager or Bailey’s at a safe and leisurely pace after work.

Leo, expect to discover something worthwhile about yourself this week despite what colleagues and loved ones say. Perhaps you have a special gift such as mind reading or knitting. Now’s the time to develop it, but you might need a mentor. Is there someone you can load up with passion-fruit liqueur in exchange for coaching?

This week should be relaxing, Virgo, if you prevent yourself from being the source of your own stress. Try leaving on time for appointments so you don’t freak out thinking you’ll be late. Remember you’re not a victim! You’re the author of your own life. Be prepared for a hangover if you drink a vat of tequila and Midori melon. (Do it! Just buy some aspirin first.)

Libra, you’re in a self-defeating stop-and-go mode. There’s too much work on your plate for that right now. You have a resentful Virgo colleague trying to get you to slip up and/or take credit for your work, and if you don’t buckle down now, things will get nasty in August. Sorry, you can’t be constantly hammered until you manage your situation, but you can treat yourself now and then by putting a shot of Crown Royal in a vanilla milkshake.

Love and joy are in the stars, Scorpio. Play it right and you could build something lasting with an amorous Taurus. (Of course if you already have a partner you’ll have more drama than love and joy, but you don’t mind that.) Work goes smoothly this week. If anything, you’re staying too far under the radar. Let your boss know about your quirky, creative side—show up at all meetings with rum on your breath.

Sagittarius, that pessimistic cloud has dissipated, leaving you hopeful and energetic. It’s a good time to see family. Who knows, maybe they’ll come to see you in the form of an intervention. They might have mistaken your natural exuberance for drunkenness, especially with all those Skyy vodka empties lying around your yard.

The spiritual world is beckoning, even for the most skeptical Capricorn. Don’t be afraid—everyone breaks with rationality once in a while, and it looks good on you. Your newfound openness gives you more empathy and patience. You find yourself helping others, with no expectation of reciprocity. Is it because you’re perpetually blasted on brandy? Who knows—just enjoy it, because everyone likes you better this way.

Aquarius, you ignore your intuition this week in favor of rationality. (OMG, why are you reading your horoscope?) This leads to some very cold decisions that would have been better referred to your gut instinct. For instance, that Pisces you’ve been stalking… If you listened to your inner voice you’d know that he/she thinks you’re an idiot. Your inner voice told you to buy a bunch of lottery tickets too, and did you? That’s why nobody’s at your house with a giant cheque. Relax that left brain by putting whisky in your coffee the second you wake up.

Pisces, you find yourself missing an old friend who’s been out of the picture because of a disagreement. Yes, this person could call you, but don’t count on it. Stow your pride and take the initiative. Renewing the friendship will lead to some surprising revelations and maybe a good party. If you’re afraid of rejection, sweeten the invitation to get together with this awesome drink:

  • 6 oz vodka
  • 12 oz pineapple juice
  • Juice of 4 limes
  • Honey
  • 2 oz creme de menthe

Shake the first four ingredients up, pour over ice and add the creme de menthe. Pack that away and what is there to disagree about?

ASTROLIQUOR for May 11-17—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Expect to hear some nasty gossip about you and your family this week, Aries, spreading feverishly through your circle. So vitriolic is the rumor that it might take until July to refute it. Then in August you’ll find out who dissed you. You won’t be inviting this A-hole to your midsummer housewrecker! Too bad you’re so broke. You’ll be serving mainly leftover Malibu if you can get a friend to help you open the bottle.

Taurus, you need to keep a low profile this week, especially around decision makers. If you mouth off, you may find yourself on the curb holding a box of office supplies. Sadly this means you’ll have to go to work sober for a while. Wait until you get home to break out the giant box of red wine.

There’s not enough of you to go around, Gemini, but it’s flattering to have so many colleagues asking you for help. Your charisma and energy are high—it’s a good time to take the lead. Tell everyone to chill out about work and take a booze break. If you pool all the hidden alcohol in your office you should be able to find vodka, melon liqueur, and peach schnapps. Throw it into a bowl with whatever juice you can find in the communal fridge and voila: easy work day.

Time for something completely different, Cancer. Lose the TV remote and go outside with a picnic basket. OMG, you say, that sounds fantastic! What shall I put in the basket? Ahhhhh….

  • White rum
  • Sweet sherry
  • Tawny port
  • Drambuie
  • Gingerale (optional)

Now, we could mess around with proportions, etc., but I suggest just taking all the bottles and mixing them up in random ways. But be forewarned: this is the sort of picnic that attracts bears.

Leo, in every sense you are on this week. Work, love, and family are all thriving, and you can expect to attract a special new (platonic) friend this week. Make an effort not to be a tool and this person could become a lifetime friend. So don’t pretend that’s not vodka with amaretto in your flask. Share it around.

For some reason you’re being a jerk to a close friend, Virgo, even though you hotly deny it when accused. Like most neurotics you think you’re acting very rationally, but “rational” doesn’t usually go hand in hand with a headful of gin. Try to delay drinking until after work, then cut that gin with some tonic and peppermint schnapps. If, after that behavior mod, you’re still a jerk, you can blame the stars.

Libra, career is featured strongly, with management noticing your achievements. Just ignore the critics on the sidelines. Just because they can’t do a PowerPoint presentation while hammered on gin and blackberry brandy… As superheroic as you are at work, however, your personal life sucks! Try to at least be sober in the morning hours.

If you’re signing a new mortgage or financial contract, Scorpio, this is the time to get it done. Your stars shift to a sinister position within two weeks, and someone will try to con you. Exactly how this all shakes out is hard to picture right now. It’s hard to picture anything when you’re clinging to the bathroom floor after ralphing Jack Daniel’s and Goldschlager into the toilet.

Sagittarius, pay attention; there’s a Leo watching you with interest, and if you miss the signals you could miss out on a party. As inattentive as you seem to be about potential hook-ups, you’re even more oblivious to how well you’re doing at work. Congratulations—you’re in the career catbird seat and you don’t even know how you got there. Evidently Bacardi 151 makes you behave more professionally.

Go out every night this week, Capricorn, and you’ll be sure to make some new friends. One of these will stick and turn into a longterm friendship or even a romantic partnership. If this is too much pressure, load your brain up with vodka before going out. Just leave the car keys at home.

Aquarius, the chances of a relationship split are high right now owing to a weird constellation exerting more influence than usual. Whatever you might do that matters, do NOT do it on Thursday. In fact, don’t do anything on Thursday! Call in sick and pound some cheap Scotch. By the time you sober up and sort out your hangover (Saturday), the danger will have passed.

Pisces, try hard this week not to get swindled. You look gullible! No lending money unless you can afford to lose it. No picking up the tab for drinks, no matter how earnestly friends promise to get the next one. Your only ally this week will be a Capricorn who thinks you’re a dupe but likes you anyway. Unexpectedly this person may want to get with you, so ease off on the Kahlua, vodka, Bailey’s, and creme de menthe or you’ll end up just cuddling.

ASTROLIQUOR for May 4-10—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, deep down you really want to fall in love. Luckily for you the stars are lining up to grant your wish. Sometime between now and June you’ll fall head over heels in a sickening, poetry-writing, gooey romance. Of course ouzo and vodka will be involved, but it’s still the real deal! So get ready to tell your spouse about it and lawyer up.

Taurus, although you’re good at putting friends and family to work, you have trouble accepting help from strangers. This week you have to go outside your comfort zone, however, and recruit a colleague for an important task. Although this person has historically been a dick to you, he/she can be loosened up with some Red Bull and rum. Don’t think of it as taking advantage—you’re building karma for your coworker, so pass the flask.

Those psychiatric sessions are paying off, Gemini, balancing your emotions and turning you into something of a charmer. On your habitual drunken early-bird visit to a garage sale you discover that both an Aries and an Aquarius are taken with you. What a lovely dilemma! Make sure you follow your heart—when your head is full of cognac and vodka it’s too easy to pick randomly.

You’re in good spirits this week, Cancer, having solved a few nagging mental problems and discovered unknown inner strengths. You’re learning not to compare yourself to others, and to appreciate Canadian Club even when your neighbor is reeling around his yard with Crown Royal. You’ll have a nice flirtation with someone this week, but I’d leave that neighbor alone.

Leo, look carefully at your text messages and emails this week. Every communique, no matter how terse, contains subtext. Understandably subtext gets lost when you’ve spent the day sipping from a jug of Bailey’s, Goldschlager, and creme de menthe, but try to pay attention. In particular a colleague may be seeking your approval. It’s just good politics to play along.

You have a thing for an Aries, Virgo, even though you don’t actually like this person. This bad situation gains unfortunate traction from an ever-present travel mug of amaretto-and-Bailey’s coffee that you replenish furtively from a makeshift bar under your cubicle desk. Perhaps you should get some air before you decide to visit the supply closet with your Aries friend. No car keys for you!

Libra, you’re contemplating a self-improvement program featuring long walks. Not only will this make your body fit; your brain will benefit as well. Pickled as you’ve been all winter, you should gain some clarity pretty fast! It’s a new dawn for you, being sober throughout the day, but don’t forget to reward yourself later with some Irish cream and butterscotch schnapps.

Fear and hope take turns swooping in on you this week, Scorpio. You don’t have the funds to bail you out if your current business plan goes pear-shaped, but what the hell—you’re used to living this way. Not too many people have the stomach to hang with you, and that’s not a bad thing. Gambling looks dangerous this week, so stay inside and mix something up:

  • 2 oz bourbon
  • 2 oz vodka
  • 2 oz Tia Maria
  • 2 oz grapefruit juice

Sagittarius, the world looks very pretty this week. Your positive energy is at a peak, so how about a joyful blender drink?

  • 3 oz peach schnapps
  • 3 oz raspberry liqueur
  • 3 oz Frangelico
  • 3 oz cream
  • 1.5 cups vanilla ice cream
  • 4 oz raspberry jam

Puree that business up and let it cool your brain. You may need a walk afterwards, but the world will still be pretty—just spinning too.

Impetuous you’re not, Capricorn—at least not usually, but there are some weird stars in your chart causing you to be extra-gregarious and generally unprofessional. For instance, any cube farm worker knows vodka makes the best odor-free flask drink. So why is yours full of brandy and creme de menthe? Nobody’s gonna believe you just brushed your teeth. Watch out or you’ll need a box for all your stuff!

Aquarius, you normally enjoy risk and danger but sadly you’re having trouble finding it. Superfluous energy torments you, causing you to hit on drunken Geminis at early-morning garage sales and generally bother people of all star signs. Meanwhile, a Sagittarius is bothering you, out-talking you even and making you uncomfortable. Chill out and avoid a fight. Cherry brandy for you.

Pisces, people think you’re pretty down-to-earth. But this week you go nuts and freak out at your family. It might be an intervention or some such gathering where emotions tend to run high. Then again, it might be a wedding or a funeral. Whatever the event is, expect to be escorted away from it quite forcefully, perhaps while vomiting vodka.