drinking

ASTROLIQUOR for May 25-31—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You find yourself reminiscing about January/February, Aries, even though you lolloped through them in a Crown Royal haze. But don’t fixate on the past—June promises just as much drunkenness, although it will feature more sickly liqueurs and vomiting. During one of your lucid moments an old flame will appear and stir up old feelings. Tell your partner or spouse about this person; maybe you can swing a threesome.

Taurus, your life is seeming monotonous right now, and in an effort to generate some novelty you’re showing previously private facets of yourself in public. People like the new you(s) much better than the old you, so maybe you should bury your old self. Maintaining your newfound inhibition is easy with a constant alcohol drip. But make it exciting—Aftershock hot & cool cinnamon schnapps for you.

What the hell is going on with the stars, Gemini, to foster such boring thoughts? You’re thinking investments, pension plans, insurance. Yikes, do you ever need a drink…In fact, you need a silly drink:

  • 2 oz banana schnapps
  • 2 oz Malibu
  • 2 oz rum
  • 6 oz orange juice
  • 4 oz pineapple juice
  • 1/2 cup Tang powder

Down that and see how responsible you feel.

You went nuts spending in February/March, Cancer, but you’re regaining control. By June you’ll breathe some relief, but don’t get complacent—July will be expensive. You won’t see it coming, but it will flatten you! Sure, this really sucks and the stars can be a bitch, but you can still drink Scotch. Just choose a cheaper blended whiskey and you’re good to go.

Leo, your family and friends are enjoying your company these days. You’re so sunny and happy; you brighten their days, even if you’re too pissed to remember your thoughts and actions afterward. Try not to be too generous; you mustn’t spend every single penny on others. You can’t have a well-stocked bar without some money. (Do you have a supply of white rum and Blue Curacao? Daiquiri mix?) Stay happy because your hormones are going to go crazy next week.

This week presents an opportunity to oust a thorn from your side, Virgo, albeit diplomatically. No more taking shit! You have the social skills to jettison negative people without jeopardizing your work situation—do it. If you need some liquid courage, try a vodka/Tang combo. That’s what the astronauts took to the moon with them. (Or was it the television sound stage?)

Libra, as a natural conversationalist you are the recipient of all sorts of unexpected info from friends, neighbors, fellow parents…you name it. People are telling you the freakiest shit. It may be interesting for a while, but make sure you know when to call the police. Also, know when it’s okay not to call the police (if the animal comes back for more, for instance). Still, it’s an information overload. You’ll need some gin to soften the edges.

Your intuition is bang-on this week, Scorpio. Deliberately ignore rational thought and go with your feelings. Fact is, you’ve been following this course for a while now and things are panning out. But where’s the alcohol in this picture? OMG, the stars are forecasting things like hot cocoa and Ovaltine! Holy crap, this is a crisis—you will have to trust your intuition and find some alcohol without guidance. Let me know what you pick. The stars are real assholes sometimes.

Sagittarius, there’s a financial windfall coming your way. You’ll be able to fix up your house or buy some furniture…or build a spanky new bar. Take some time to think about how to spend your new riches. Take a relaxing walk; stagger around the countryside with a wine bottle perhaps. If necessary, wait until November to pull the trigger on a home improvement project (or just spend the money now on liquor).

You’re feeling flirtatious, Capricorn. More plainly, you’re feeling horny. This is great if you’re in a loving relationship, but if things have been rocky for a while then…strap in for some drama, because your flirtation will involve a new person. Hate to tell you this, but the stars aren’t too optimistic about it. They’re calling for lashings of disillusionment and pear vodka.

Aquarius, this week looks good for contacting people. So take a shower, find some clean underwear, and go outside. You’re so hungry for human contact that every encounter seems rife with energy and importance; even the most superficial exchange carries golden meaning. That’s what comes of being perpetually hosed on tequila and triple sec. Invite some people over to share it.

Pisces, technical problems abound this week. Your phone, your computer, your sat receiver—if it has a microchip it will give you a shit time. Even your car will act up, which is a good reason to stow the keys until this bad star situation passes. With your car keys safely put away you can really misbehave. Why not make a really frivolous martini…vodka with Chambord, for instance? Just don’t shake it anywhere near your stereo or keyboard.

ASTROLIQUOR for May 18-24—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Your energy soars this week, Aries, making you the envy of colleagues—especially a Gemini. Fortunately you have distractions, such as one nagging little task you’ve always been too drunk to wrap your head around. This is a good week to sober up a little and tackle it properly. It may involve precise measurements or power tools, in which case you wouldn’t want to be cruising on anything stronger than lager.

Taurus, you’re working diligently for a change—confident, energetic, and ready to defend your decisions if necessary. A promotion is very likely if you keep on this path, so keep demonstrating your willingness to take on new work, and leave the flask at home for the time being. You can behave temporarily! Stay alert all day, then reward yourself with a nice expensive port or brandy when you get home.

This week features a psychotic break for you, Gemini, with gape-jawed friends and family wondering what the hell happened. It all springs from restlessness, but don’t bother trying to preempt it—it’s in the stars. The key thing is to recognize it and stay out of harm’s way when it happens. Here’s a recipe to keep you busy:

  • 3 oz rum
  • 3 oz vodka
  • 3 oz triple sec
  • 3 oz sloe gin
  • 3 oz Jim Beam
  • Whatever juice you have (optional)

This is a real creeper. Enjoy your week off!

You feel very settled and comfortable, Cancer. Avoid any adventures; this week is for gathering your strength and cultivating stability. Does this mean you can’t get loaded? Absolutely not! But no more reeling around at the bus shelter. Sip some Goldschlager or Bailey’s at a safe and leisurely pace after work.

Leo, expect to discover something worthwhile about yourself this week despite what colleagues and loved ones say. Perhaps you have a special gift such as mind reading or knitting. Now’s the time to develop it, but you might need a mentor. Is there someone you can load up with passion-fruit liqueur in exchange for coaching?

This week should be relaxing, Virgo, if you prevent yourself from being the source of your own stress. Try leaving on time for appointments so you don’t freak out thinking you’ll be late. Remember you’re not a victim! You’re the author of your own life. Be prepared for a hangover if you drink a vat of tequila and Midori melon. (Do it! Just buy some aspirin first.)

Libra, you’re in a self-defeating stop-and-go mode. There’s too much work on your plate for that right now. You have a resentful Virgo colleague trying to get you to slip up and/or take credit for your work, and if you don’t buckle down now, things will get nasty in August. Sorry, you can’t be constantly hammered until you manage your situation, but you can treat yourself now and then by putting a shot of Crown Royal in a vanilla milkshake.

Love and joy are in the stars, Scorpio. Play it right and you could build something lasting with an amorous Taurus. (Of course if you already have a partner you’ll have more drama than love and joy, but you don’t mind that.) Work goes smoothly this week. If anything, you’re staying too far under the radar. Let your boss know about your quirky, creative side—show up at all meetings with rum on your breath.

Sagittarius, that pessimistic cloud has dissipated, leaving you hopeful and energetic. It’s a good time to see family. Who knows, maybe they’ll come to see you in the form of an intervention. They might have mistaken your natural exuberance for drunkenness, especially with all those Skyy vodka empties lying around your yard.

The spiritual world is beckoning, even for the most skeptical Capricorn. Don’t be afraid—everyone breaks with rationality once in a while, and it looks good on you. Your newfound openness gives you more empathy and patience. You find yourself helping others, with no expectation of reciprocity. Is it because you’re perpetually blasted on brandy? Who knows—just enjoy it, because everyone likes you better this way.

Aquarius, you ignore your intuition this week in favor of rationality. (OMG, why are you reading your horoscope?) This leads to some very cold decisions that would have been better referred to your gut instinct. For instance, that Pisces you’ve been stalking… If you listened to your inner voice you’d know that he/she thinks you’re an idiot. Your inner voice told you to buy a bunch of lottery tickets too, and did you? That’s why nobody’s at your house with a giant cheque. Relax that left brain by putting whisky in your coffee the second you wake up.

Pisces, you find yourself missing an old friend who’s been out of the picture because of a disagreement. Yes, this person could call you, but don’t count on it. Stow your pride and take the initiative. Renewing the friendship will lead to some surprising revelations and maybe a good party. If you’re afraid of rejection, sweeten the invitation to get together with this awesome drink:

  • 6 oz vodka
  • 12 oz pineapple juice
  • Juice of 4 limes
  • Honey
  • 2 oz creme de menthe

Shake the first four ingredients up, pour over ice and add the creme de menthe. Pack that away and what is there to disagree about?

PAUL & PHILIPPE ZINCK PINOT BLANC (2009)—On the agenda, if not P’s Show-and-Tell program

My Fellow Inebriates,

Even though my dad is too cool to tuck me in at night, I miss him when he goes away. So does my mum, although we both agree it benefits our beer inventory.

My dad wasn’t going to share his team-building golf week agenda with the bears but, when I snooped around in his luggage the night before his departure, I found a cheap bottle of Scotch (unopenable), oodles of electronic gadgetry, and no clothes. Either there is another bag (full of who-knows-what goodies) or this week’s team building will be done naked.

I also found a printout of a PowerPoint slide for a presentation my dad’s doing to explain his new role at the company. It has four quadrants:

  1. Current activity
  2. Upcoming activity
  3. Challenges
  4. Opportunities

Like a flash it struck me that I could justify my own activities similarly. Justifying the LBHQ enterprise might get me closer to the bar of my dreams.

These ideas were pinging back and forth between my two brain cells when Miss P proposed taking me to Show-and-Tell. This coaxed my mum’s head out of Facebook to ask pointedly: “What exactly would you tell your class about LB?”

Giggle giggle. “About how he loves wine.”

Damn straight I love wine. This kid knows me well and I’m sure she’d have done me proud at Show-and-Tell, advertising the existence of Liquorstore Bear to the spawns of a parental demographic often described as “Bible Belt.”

Alas, my mother killed the idea. “Why don’t you show your new bike helmet?” Then hastily: “But don’t let any other kids try it on! We have to be careful about lice.”

Killjoy! We might love lice! Maybe if we brought home some lice my mum would vacuum! Bleach the sheets! Wash the—OMG!—wash the stuffies, AAARRRGHHHHH!!! No!!! My brain had misfired again with that thought, but there was no changing things now.

So P brought the helmet, which was or was not a hit with her cohort—she didn’t say, having moved on by end of day to other notions.

“LB, your blog is utterly, utterly narcissistic.”
—my mother

Had I received my 15 minutes of Grade One fame I would have told the class about PAUL & PHILIPPE ZINCK PINOT BLANC (2009), purchased by my mum in a typically petulant “do it myself” Mother’s Day mood. She wanted something that would pair with peanut-lime pork and coconut rice, and my dad is flummoxed about white wine period, never mind white-wine/food-pairing puzzles. Since my mum is almost as much of a white wine rube, she leant upon our local booze shop consultant to recommend the pinot blanc.

Billed as creamy and structured with orchard/citrus notes and lingering spice, ZINCK PINOT BLANC is a no-brainer complement to delicate flavors. Now, if only my mother produced delicate flavors in the kitchen…

She doesn’t, so let’s talk about the pinot on its own merit.

ZINCK PINOT BLANC doesn’t disappoint the nose, although if anything the notes are more tropical than orchard-like. As it sits, deep straw-colored in the glass, it wafts faraway scents that suggest humidity, scorching heat and heady refreshment, sun-soaked naked bodies that don’t resemble my dad teeing off in his birthday suit… There is, in the distant background, a hint of ginger perhaps—just enough to make you wonder whether you imagined it.

My parents’ prevailing fear of trying white wines no doubt harkens back to surreptitious childhood sips of Domaine D’Or and Sommet Blanc. If their parents intended to poison them against white wine, it worked. So whenever we do get a white in the house, they’re gobsmacked if it’s any good. The main thing they suspect white wines are missing is substance. This made ZINCK PINOT BLANC a good choice, weighing in at a respectable 12.5% alcohol and exhibiting both heft and depth. Slightly off-dry, this pinot’s character develops as the wine edges up from fridge temperature, revealing mineral subtleties and a satisfying mouthfeel.

It was perhaps a little too substantial for a Thai food pairing. Definitely beyond my philistine parents—but nonetheless a hit all around.

The newest agenda item: get more of it.