GRANVILLE ISLAND CYPRESS HONEY LAGER. For a beer that purports to contain honey, this is the most sour, disappointing swill imaginable. Light to the point of pointlessness, this beer is good for one thing only: getting lightweights drunk. RECOMMEND for that purpose.

NEWCASTLE BROWN ALE. Medium-bodied brew with a crisp hoppy burst followed by nutty notes. Its moderate alcohol content is its only downside. RECOMMEND.

BECK’S BLUE ALCHOHOL-FREE BEER. Wrong, wrong, wrong. A sickening idea, really. RECOMMEND for putting out fires you accidentally set while making Jaegermeister waffles after acid-tripping all night.

STELLA ARTOIS. Nice strong lager chock-full of additives and thus a recipe for big headaches. That’s why Stella is so wonderful — it pushes you toward the hair of the dog sooner than societal mores might otherwise. RECOMMEND.

I was bored during Survivor, so I decided to do a sexy dance for my dad, but he pushed me away. I think he was really uncomfortable with it.

BLACK LABEL LAGER. Better than you’d expect, with crispness and good alcohol flavour. Excellent for shotgunning. RECOMMEND.

LABATT ICE BEER. Utterly ordinary lager, distinguishable only by the increased alcohol content achieved through the ingenious freezing of the beer to -4C so unnecessary water can be skimmed off as ice. RECOMMEND.

MOLSON ICE. Blander yet more metallic than Labatt ice, this beer nevertheless distinguishes itself with its higher ice-beer alcohol content. RECOMMEND when getting drunk fast is imperative.

MOLSON CANADIAN LAGER. Watery, bready and thoroughly average, but ideal for pounding at work when, depressingly, you’ve forgotten to bring a sandwich for lunch. RECOMMEND.

ALEXANDER KEITH’S RED AMBER ALE. Tangy but sweetish, thin and insufficiently malty, it makes a good hockey beer, especially if you have to watch the Canucks get reamed — it will reinforce that disappointing sense of unmet expectation and propel you toward heavier drinking later. RECOMMEND.

LABATT BLUE. Light and empty, crisp but faintly metallic – minimal malt and a lot of filler in there. Borrowing some advice from Jean-Guy Lachance, I RECOMMEND you pound a case of this before Don Cherry starts mouthing off.

GRANVILLE ISLAND PALE ALE. Crisp pale ale with caramel undertones and gorgeous colour. Too tasty to pound – stretch out a case over the course of a hockey game. RECOMMEND.

FOSTER’S LAGER. Watery and generic but reasonably crisp with only slightly unpleasant aftertaste. RECOMMEND when you’ve no one to impress and you just don’t care.

O’DOULS ALCOHOL FREE BEER. For those willing to waste their time and money, not to mention bladders processing this crappy so-called beer, here’s your poison. And poison it is to any functional alcoholic. It is sheer depression in a bottle. I really hate O’Douls. I RECOMMEND it for enemas.

Liquorstore Bear wonders if anyone would like to send him some alcohol.

KOKANEE. Standard piss, forgivable because of all the lovely women who appear in the ads. Although those ads sometimes make me feel very lonely and then I drink more. RECOMMEND.

KILKENNY CREAM ALE. Warm, mild flavour but unacceptably light on alcohol and fizz. RECOMMEND mixing with scotch.

ASAHI SUPER DRY. Refreshing, highly carbonated beer, suitable for pounding on hot summer mornings before you move on to the hard stuff. RECOMMEND.

THIRSTY BEAVER AMBER ALE. The name exudes class and excites a beer-drinking bear on many levels. Nice nutty, aroma. RECOMMEND.

CORONA. Who needs potable water when you can drink this light, refreshing beer? Mediocre in every respect, with or without lime, but hey—water sucks ass. RECOMMEND.

MOLSON CANADIAN. Drink this swill out of a paper bag as you lurch around downtown after the hockey game. RECOMMEND.

HEINEKEN. Mainstream skunky beer fromHolland. RECOMMEND.

GROLSCH. Less skunky than the more popular Heineken and comes in a cooler bottle. RECOMMEND.

GUINNESS. Full of B vitamins, if you care about such things, but don’t get fooled by its hardy flavor and mouth-feel: this booze doesn’t have much booze in it, so you have to drink A LOT. Which is fine. RECOMMEND.

SLEEMAN HONEY BROWN LAGER. Deliciously refreshing with a hint of sweetness. RECOMMEND in abundance.

SMITHWICK’S premium Irish ale. RECOMMEND in copious quantities. The Irish know how to do it.