drinking

NARAMATA NUT BROWN ALE (Cannery Brewing Company)

My Fellow Inebriates,

I find the news baffling, local news most of all. In my local rag: the story of a 42-year-old woman who, after driving four blocks from Boston Pizza to Montana’s Cookhouse without de-icing her windshield and as a result hit THREE pedestrians, dragging one woman behind her car. OMG.

I have several questions about this incident.

Rocket science

First of all: Was my mother the driver in question? She’s 42, she lives in Langley, she doesn’t possess an ice scraper OR a credit card, and she’s the type of woman who gets flustered by the garage door. Could it be…? I will have to ask her later.

Second, why was this woman driving from a pizza joint to a rib cookhouse? Again, this points to my mother.

Third, how did she make it four blocks with an opaque windshield? Does this deserve some credit for bravado? Or probably not, right? Just to be sure, I googled “driving blindfolded” and learned that in some circles it’s pretty cool. In fact, in the UK it is a team-building exercise. Wow! 

It’s really mild here so I don’t even know when my mum would have done this. Also, she’s still at home instead of in jail, but I read that they only fine you $109 for failing to de-ice your windshield, so maybe she just paid the fine.  None of the three (!) women she hit died; I think a couple of them just went to hospital.

But $109! Let’s break this down. The Cannery Collection I just acquired (two cans Anarchist Amber Ale, two cans Naramata Nut Brown Ale, and two cans IPA) cost $11.75 plus tax. For $109 we could have bought NINE of these six-packs. But apparently it’s more fun to plow your car into innocent pedestrians in some kind of middle-aged remote-viewing experiment.

But I have to be happy with what I’ve got. Last night I had the pleasure of sampling the NARAMATA NUT BROWN ALE. I was happy because the Cannery Brewing Company had advised starting with the AMBER ALE (check), then progressing to the NUT BROWN (check). The IPA awaits, but here are my impressions of the NUT BROWN ALE.

A darker pour than its amber counterpart, the NARAMATA NUT BROWN ALE exuded roasted nuts and chocolate, immediately demonstrating more complexity than the amber ale. Again I used a Reidel stemless glass, the better to catch its nutty characteristics. Immediately I sensed it was the more serious of Cannery’s offerings, which made my fur tingle.

The first sip was strong and hoppy, with a slight molasses accent, but not as much sweetness as I’ve encountered with other nut brown ales. As I drank, the ale continued to strike that same note—satisfying but somehow not developing  from top to bottom of the glass. The carbonation was moderate, crisp and punchy. This is a solid sipper—four-chord rather than symphonic, and just fine for uncomplicated enjoyment.

I would have enjoyed several more of these delicious beers, but unfortunately the money seems to have been earmarked for other things.

But at least not dumb-ass driving fines. My dad informed me that we have a Nissan, not a Kia like the one with the icy windshield. Yay, mum, I always believed in you.

Dear Santa…

Open letter to Santa Claus:

Dear Santa,

I know you are very busy making dreams come true for westernized children all over the world, stimulating the economy and driving stressed-out parents to drink. That’s cool. I just wanted you to know that there are very few things in my liquor cabinet right now. The cupboard is bare, Santa, and I’m hoping you will come through for me.

Here’s my current inventory, if you haven’t been following me:

  • Bacardi Big Apple Rum—8 oz or so
  • Malibu—maybe 3 oz
  • Cusano Rojo Mezcal—2 oz, worm definitely dead
  • El Senorio Mezcal—4 oz, never opened, worm still hanging out in there
  • Appleton Estate Rum—2 oz

So that’s not very good, right? How can I mix myself a Green Man or a Snowglobe or a Naughty Monkey without some core ingredients? I know you understand because you have a very red nose—the kind that’s bursting with blood vessels from years of imbibing excess. You feel me, right? You get my needs?

Okay, Santa, so here’s what I’d like:

  • Bacardi white rum
  • Bacardi 151
  • Blackberry brandy
  • Strawberry liqueur
  • Banana liqueur
  • Hypnotiq (or more Malibu if you can’t find Hypnotiq)

That will take care of Christmas morning. In the afternoon I’d like (please):

  • Pernod
  • Champagne
  • Melon liqueur
  • Bailey’s
  • Crown Royal
  • Amaretto liqueur

Okay. That covers most of Christmas day. Then there’ll be a big song-and-dance about making dinner and I’ll disappear for a while for a nap. I might skulk to the table if there’s wine (would you bring some chardonnay and pinot gris please?) but won’t really need anything until later, and then…

  • Peppermint schnapps
  • Goldschlager – yeah!!!

I realize this doesn’t really stock a liquor cabinet; a lot of these are specialty items that don’t figure in everyone’s everyday drinking. But I think it’s a travesty that my parents won’t keep these things on hand. Sure, they can be relied upon to buy a bottle of wine or a six-pack of beer once in a while, but they are hopeless about setting up a bar. So maybe you can come through for me, Santa, and bring a few bottles. That is, if you are not too laden down with toys for the kids here (and really, they don’t need anything much, and what you do bring them could be very small and space-efficient, if you get my drift).

Also, if you wanted to bring these things early, for Hanukkah rather than Christmas, that would be great. That way you’d have lots of room in your sleigh and you could get some driving practice before Christmas Eve, so it would be very win-win for us. I celebrate every holiday to excess and believe that liquor has a place at each and every one.

I always believed in you Santa—don’t forget, okay?

 

ASTROLIQUOR for Nov. 25-Dec. 2

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

My advice to you, Aries, is to lie back and take it easy. Try a new combination such as this:

  • 3 oz tequila
  • 3 oz vodka
  • 5 oz peach schnapps
  • 2.5 cups orange juice

Wake up, call in sick, mix this up in a pitcher and sip it all day.

Taurus, you’ve been thinking about improving your mind. But self-improvement takes a lot of time—time best spent on drinking. Thoughts of self-improvement are pernicious. Keep them in check with this:

  • 2 oz brandy
  • 1 tsp pineapple juice
  • 1 tsp lemon juice
  • 0.5 tsp cherry liqueur
  • Dash bitters

There’s a party somewhere this week, Gemini. But your mind is in a thousand places, so you might forget about it—maybe because you start every day with cognac in your coffee. Don’t worry if you miss someone’s birthday; everyone forgives a drunk.

You are suffocating in your house, Cancer! You need to free your mind and body. Get a big 2L bottle of Fresca, dump half of it and replace it with whiskey. Face the weather, cold or hot, and reel around the neighborhood in your underwear with your big bottle.

This is still a good time to blow your paycheck on booze, Leo. You’re feeling happy and at ease, everybody loves you, and you’re making useful contacts. Buy everyone a Monkey F#ck:

  • 0.5 oz rum
  • 0.5 oz banana liqueur
  • 0.5 oz coffee liqueur
  • 1 tsp half-and-half cream

 

A lot of people think they can count on you, Virgo, but that probably won’t be true if you continue combining apple cider and whiskey at work. Try to make friends with a nice, forgiving Cancer, then you can keep on drinking.

Everything’s going like clockwork, Libra, but you still have a bar fight in your future. Read my Smirnoff review for a cautionary tale about house-wreaking. Don’t let it stop you, though! I recommend mixing your Smirnoff with gingerale to take the edge off. Good luck.

You try to make people think that you’re exercising and working hard, Scorpio, but you’re really making other people do your shit for you. Suckers! Lie back with some Southern Comfort and amaretto liqueur; add pineapple juice if that mixture has too much bite. Keep laughing at other people; sometimes they deserve it.

Sagittarius, you will never find a mate if you keep gargling orange juice and Kahlua together. Clean yourself up and find a drink that won’t curdle in your mouth. Maybe some beer. Yeah, some beer.

Keep fending off logic and rationality, Capricorn. It’s not tax season yet, so you don’t need those qualities. I see you lurching around on an applejack brandy and benedictine bender. Yeah! Maybe you’ll meet somebody in your travels.

You think you handle stress well, Aquarius, but you’re calling in sick on Mondays a whole lot. You make an imaginative shit mix, though—I like Captain Morgan for you this week with…hmmm…Coke, Sprite, Orange Crush and peppermint schnapps. Doesn’t that sound awesome? It sure won’t help you with work, though.

Pisces, you’re all worn out, and you want to throw your alarm clock across the room. Do it! Call in sick and get yourself occupied with this little mixture:

  • 1 oz Smirnoff 
  • 2 oz amaretto
  • 2 oz butterscotch liqueur
  • 2.5 oz half-and-half

You may think this is not for breakfast, but one taste will convince you otherwise. Go for it! You wouldn’t have been useful this week anyway.