booze

ASTROLIQUOR for Jan. 6-12—what the stars say you should drink

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You have a lot of personal problems, Aries, but the outside world is even more messed up, which should give you some perspective. Distract yourself by redecorating your house. You’ll get the most interesting results if you do this drunk (but please, no power tools). This drink should inspire you:

  • 3 oz banana schnapps
  • 1 oz peach schnapps
  • 1 oz strawberry schnapps
  • Splash orange juice
  • Splash grenadine

Mix the first three, then add the last two. This might not be enough alcohol, in which case try doubling the recipe.

Taurus, you’ve often been the designated driver lately, a fact you’re starting to resent. If you can’t foist this duty off on somebody else (somebody responsible), stay home and drink Tequila Rose. Sometimes it’s best to drink alone, especially when you’re feeling taken advantage of.

Charities have started hitting you up for money, Gemini. That’s okay, as long as you believe in their goals. But if you find yourself short on drinking money, you might want to help out in non-financial ways, such as letting a drug addict stay at your house or stripping for the elderly. If altruism is wearing you out, relax with a hard-hitting drink—maybe some Bacardi 151 mixed with amaretto and Bailey’s.

You could do with some excitement, Cancer. Sometimes you need to force the issue and seek out uncomfortable situations. The best way to do this is in a drunken state so your judgment can’t impede any potential thrills. Look for weird people to hang out with; they’re often very accepting, and they might enjoy an exotic drink or two. Here’s a start:

  • 2 oz creme de cassis
  • Splash lime cordial
  • 4 oz Absolut Kurant
  • Splash raspberry juice
  • 1 cup lemonade (or none if you prefer)

Make a slushy in your blender. Everybody likes slushies, and they’ll like you for making them one.

Friday is a big day for your love life, Leo, which means you should probably have a bath. Get ready to impress—this person could be your soul mate, which calls for a special drink. Shake copious but equal amounts of vodka, maple liqueur, Irish cream, creme de cacao, white chocolate liqueur, dark chocolate liqueur together with ice. Add half-and-half cream to taste. This is a great drink to share in bed, but if you make a habit of it you’ll need to be airlifted out of bed one day like those people on Maury Povich.

I see a fling with an exciting foreigner for you, Virgo, but don’t pin any long-term hope on this hook-up. Just enjoy his/her eclectic drink tastes and expand your horizons. Just for sport, try mixing Bailey’s, sambuca and rootbeer. Wow! See who can drink the most of this unusual beverage. Just when you’re pissed to the point where you can’t speak, a valued old friend will call to report being cured of an incurable disease. Magic! Is it true or is it a hallucination?

Libra, one of your friends is really choked at you over something you didn’t actually do. This sucks, because it’s draining energy from what was once a valuable friendship. You need to work it out, and what better facilitator is there than alcohol? Start innocently with chocolate milk, then add some brandy to it. Before long you’ll be either swinging at each other or trading back rubs.

Do you plan to be an organ donor, Scorpio? Let’s hope not, because that liver is getting pickled. Best to enjoy the ride on planet earth, which means drinking all the Drambuie and Kahlua you want. You’re getting the urge to color your hair—go for it! The crazier the better. There will be one dissenter among your friends who feels the need to criticize it. Don’t give this person any Drambuie or Kahlua; he/she won’t appreciate it.

Sagittarius, relationships and chance meetings are featured this week. You’ll be bumping into people everywhere, and at least one of them will be into you. Whether this develops into something serious will depend on your particular level of flakiness. Regardless, alcohol will help you out of those clothes. I see a Malibu/vodka bender with some Frangelico for extra panache.

An acquaintance is jealous of you, Capricorn. This is very upsetting and threatens your relationship, whether it be work-related or personal. Try not to stew about it. Loosen up with a happy drink, such as Midori melon liqueur with apple juice and gingerale. Don’t overdo it, though, and make sure you stow the car keys away. This week calls for caution around anything with moving parts—especially if your jealous friend is at the controls. I know, I know, that’s really creepy, but it was in the stars.

Ditch the pastel shades, Aquarius, and go after the vivid life you deserve. Get rid of anything bland, including boring wardrobe items. Now’s the time to step outside your comfort zone. Go ahead, embarrass yourself a little. Find one of those People of Walmart to give you fashion inspiration. Those people are numerous and happy to exhibit their special ideas. Reward them with Bailey’s and butterscotch shots. If they barf on your carpet, well, doesn’t that just make your life more colorful?

Pisces, you’re getting a lot of appeals for help lately. Maybe you’re in social work; maybe you just don’t look very busy. Let the supplicants know you’ll only help for a little while—i.e., until you’re too drunk to care about them. The easiest way to abbreviate your charity work is to drink constantly. But be careful… One of the people bugging you is secretly in love with you. Expect an unusual gift—some Jagermeister or Goldschlager, for example, along with an invitation to share. Watch out for over-sharing, though! This person has chlamydia.

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 30-Jan. 5—What the stars say you should drink

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

This is a very special week for you, Aries, which means you’ll be off the dole soon. If you can snag a job interview this week, take it, because you are hot, hot, HOT. The only thing that could ruin it for you is a bender. That’s why I’m recommending a gin & Coca Cola combination—your gag reflex will save you from yourself. Then again, you might like it, in which case…enjoy the soaps.

Taurus, the dark times are ending. Yes, things are getting happier, but shit in your house still keeps breaking. Could it be that you are knocking it down while drunk? Try to put breakables away before you start mixing vodka and Mountain Dew. Then you won’t need to spend your booze money on repairs. Oh, and one more thing: there’s an ill-intentioned Sagittarius stalking you, so don’t lose consciousness. I’m sorry if that’s creepy, but it was in the stars.

You are focused on beautiful things this week, Gemini—sculpture, paintings, pretty clothes. Don’t forget beautiful drinks! Here’s the perfect recipe for something pink and lovely:

  • 1 oz white rum
  • 1 oz vodka
  • 1 oz gin
  • 0.5 oz Grand Marnier
  • Splashes of cranberry or tropical juice

Shake with ice, then pour into an old-fashioned glass and garnish with a cherry. Beautiful to look at! But you won’t look so hot after half a dozen.

Cancer, you’ll encounter a stranger this week who turns out to be more familiar than you thought. A friend of a friend perhaps, or maybe an old school buddy from long ago. You’ll bond strongly over Jack Daniel’s. Be careful, though, and establish some facts before you start slurping it off each other. This person could be your cousin. Oh, snap!

Wish I could predict a torrid affair for you or at least some small intrigue, but it’s a “nothing” week, Leo, which is probably good for you and certainly good for the police. Whatever stimulation you need is up to you! Make sure you have a nice bottle of wine to keep you company or—if you’re bored out of your mind—a big bottle of Smirnoff.

You’re feeling young, Virgo, maybe even ten or twenty years younger than your actual age. Act quickly before self-consciousness intrudes, and install yourself at the trendiest bar you can find. Order embarrassing drinks and spread the love. I see you covered in whipped cream with people pointing and laughing behind you. YEAH! Here’s a good drink for second childhood:

  • 1.5 oz creme de cacao
  • 0.5 oz banana liqueur
  • 0.5 oz coconut cream
  • 3 oz cream

If you are seriously old and on heart meds, forgo the cream and order milk. You’ll still manage to embarrass yourself.

This is the time to negotiate all things financial, Libra, at least until the end of the week. Then it’s time to contact old friends. Remember you need to phone or visit people once in a while—phone sex doesn’t a full life make. Tell your friends you’ll give them special coffee if they come over, then load them up with cherry brandy. They might not have sex with you, but at least you’ll use up all that languishing Kirschwasser.

Your psychological problems are becoming more public, Scorpio. Try talking to a professional about stuff that’s bothering you. If that person turns out to be an idiot, trust the bottle instead—but only something strong will do. Dial back your angst with equal parts tequila, Jagermeister and peppermint schnapps. If that combo doesn’t cure you, it’ll spur a psychotic break, and sometimes those are cathartic.

Sagittarius, your problems seem very big, but if you read the news you’ll realize they are minuscule. Am I lecturing you? Yes, because the stars tell me you’ll be stalking a Taurus this week. Stop that! Adventures are good, but only when your special friends are willing. Here’s some preemptive punishment: Cointreau-and-cognac shots! Do lots of them so you’ll stay at home and avoid being a nuisance.

You’ve been doing too much pretending, Capricorn. You barely know yourself any more, and people are starting to think you’re a douche. Part of the problem is your pretentiousness about wine and whiskey. If you adhere to very high-quality alcohol, your tastebuds become spoiled. Reset your tastes with something bizarre before you become intolerable. Here’s your prescription:

  • 3 oz watermelon vodka
  • 3 oz watermelon rum
  • 2 oz apple schnapps
  • 2 oz berry schnapps
  • 2 oz watermelon schnapps
  • Gingerale to taste (I recommend “none”)

Shake it up and down it. After that, any wine is gonna taste awesome.

Aquarius, that thing you’ve been working on, that you’ve poured your heart into, that thing you’ve sweat blood for—well, your boss thinks it sucks. Drown your sorrows with some nice Russian vodka. A vodka bottle will never call you a loser. A vodka bottle is your friend. All the bottles are your friends.

Pisces, this week features an erotic attraction to two or three people, maybe all at once. Obviously liquor will be needed to manifest this idea properly. Malibu should do the trick, with lashings of melon, banana and cherry liqueur. With all those flavors flying around, the whole gang will be happy, and at least some of you should score.

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 23-29

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

It’s time to do all the chores you’ve been neglecting, Aries, which means cleaning up all the rum. What a mess a liquor cabinet becomes when it contains too many partially used bottles. Get drinking and finish some off. Sure, it’s early, but it’s also the holiday season, so you can do whatever you want. Oh yeah, and you’re going to lose a crapload of money gambling this week. Try to spend your casino money on white rum.

Taurus, you need to make a crazy party punch full of all kinds of fruits and juices AND—don’t forget this part—a gallon each of Everclear, Smirnoff and Sailor Jerry’s. Throw some triple sec in for character and you’re ready for the holidays. Sounds like a big quantity? Not really—you just have to start at breakfast. BTW, you are going to run out of money making this, and there won’t be any more until February.

You’ve been drunk for a long time, Gemini. So drunk that one morning you wake up and can’t recognize anybody. This is a great thing—an invaluable opportunity to reinvent yourself. And the best way to do that is to make new friends at the bar. Try buying them Smirnoff & Midori melon drinks.

Get your affairs in order, Cancer, so you can relax. Once you take care of business, you can turn your attention to making bizarre drinks for yourself and whatever weirdos you pick up around town. Here’s a good one: 4 cups lager + 1 cup sherry…with melon balls thrown into it, floating around. Yum, right?

I see a bar fight for you this week, Leo, featuring an angry Aquarius. Don’t worry; you’ll have a threesome with a Taurus and a Capricorn later in the week. Give yourself a preemptive spank with this creation:

  • 1.5 oz banana schnapps
  • 1.5 oz vanilla vodka
  • 1 oz Bacardi 151

Don’t eat too much this week, Virgo. Why eat when you can sustain yourself with tequila? If the room starts to spin, go out for a nice walk. All sorts of people will laugh at you as you stagger along. Think of it as holiday spirit, not ridicule because you forgot to put on pants.

Libra, there are some voices in your head telling you to do hectic, seasonal things like cook a turkey. Don’t listen to them! You have drinks to mix, and if you consume enough of them, you’ll be off the hook for cooking duty. Here’s a drink recipe to start:

  • 1 cup sweet-and-sour mix
  • 3 oz melon liqueur
  • 2 oz Blue Curacao
  • 2 oz amaretto
  • 2 oz raspberry vodka
  • Lots of ice

Yes, it’s a big quantity, but you can do it.

People are starting to bore you, Scorpio. This is compounded by the fact that you’ve pulled Designated Driver duty this week. Take it seriously and abstain while you’re out, but once you’ve dropped your boring friends off, hit the vodka (with Jagermeister and Goldschlager of course).

Sagittarius, everything feels like it’s against you, but try to remember it’s been worse before. Ride out this depressive episode in bed with a tumbler of Irish whiskey beside you.

You are being watched, Capricorn. You’re not imagining it, and the watcher is a Scorpio. Don’t ignore this seemingly creepy person; he/she may have something useful for you, whether it be a job or casual sex. Your drink is amaretto—put it in everything.

You’re changing mentally, Aquarius, and not necessarily for the best. People around you are noticing and wondering whether you’re in some sort of destructive spiral. They wonder if it will be like a road accident to watch, or whether you’ll give them a laugh on your downward trajectory. Since no sort of psychological implosion is complete without alcohol, here’s a colorful recipe:

  • 3 oz lemon vodka
  • 2 oz melon liqueur
  • 1 oz Blue Curacao
  • 1 oz lemon or lime juice
  • 2 oz sweet-and-sour mix

Blend it up with ice. Never mind other people.

Pisces, you’re getting annoyed at others’ shirking of responsibilities. Clearly, you are too sober. If you had sufficient alcohol levels, you wouldn’t care whether your coworkers were working or whether the kid at Starbucks knows how to make a latte. Get on the festive train and stop pissing on everybody’s parade. Vodka martinis for you ASAP.