alcohol

The secret world of hedonistic gummy bears

My Fellow Inebriates,

One of my Facebook friends posted this on my wall:

The Internet is full of good ideas, as anyone who’s ever researched a possible medical condition will attest. There aren’t too many better ideas than this one.

As it happened, four-year-old Miss V had a whole bunch of gummy bears, and there was a mostly empty bottle of Bacardi Big Apple languishing in the liquor cabinet. Perfect preschool activity, wouldn’t you say?

But first I had to ask the gummy bears what they thought of the idea.

They were totally cool with it, although the white one kept falling down, which made me think it was drunk already.

Even as I warned them about the hazards, the white one wasn’t listening.

V and I helped them line up. Look at that yellow one getting pushy.

At the top, the gummy bear hesitated. So V ate it.

He who hesitates is lost. V nabbed this one as well. She didn’t really think we were going to let them drop.

Nor did my mother. This was totally an accident (the kind that happens when you prop a 2-cm gummy bear across a 3-cm hole).

“Daddy’s not going to like that!” said V.

“Sure he will,” said my mum.

By now the other gummy bears were frantic with excitement.

V got busy. “Mummy, what’s this drink called? Mummy, does LB like it? Does he want to drink it?”

They look so happy in there. That bottle’s been in our cupboard for almost four years, helping no one. Now it’s a party bottle.

Kinda reminds me of this other bottle.

ASTROLIQUOR for May 18-24—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Your energy soars this week, Aries, making you the envy of colleagues—especially a Gemini. Fortunately you have distractions, such as one nagging little task you’ve always been too drunk to wrap your head around. This is a good week to sober up a little and tackle it properly. It may involve precise measurements or power tools, in which case you wouldn’t want to be cruising on anything stronger than lager.

Taurus, you’re working diligently for a change—confident, energetic, and ready to defend your decisions if necessary. A promotion is very likely if you keep on this path, so keep demonstrating your willingness to take on new work, and leave the flask at home for the time being. You can behave temporarily! Stay alert all day, then reward yourself with a nice expensive port or brandy when you get home.

This week features a psychotic break for you, Gemini, with gape-jawed friends and family wondering what the hell happened. It all springs from restlessness, but don’t bother trying to preempt it—it’s in the stars. The key thing is to recognize it and stay out of harm’s way when it happens. Here’s a recipe to keep you busy:

  • 3 oz rum
  • 3 oz vodka
  • 3 oz triple sec
  • 3 oz sloe gin
  • 3 oz Jim Beam
  • Whatever juice you have (optional)

This is a real creeper. Enjoy your week off!

You feel very settled and comfortable, Cancer. Avoid any adventures; this week is for gathering your strength and cultivating stability. Does this mean you can’t get loaded? Absolutely not! But no more reeling around at the bus shelter. Sip some Goldschlager or Bailey’s at a safe and leisurely pace after work.

Leo, expect to discover something worthwhile about yourself this week despite what colleagues and loved ones say. Perhaps you have a special gift such as mind reading or knitting. Now’s the time to develop it, but you might need a mentor. Is there someone you can load up with passion-fruit liqueur in exchange for coaching?

This week should be relaxing, Virgo, if you prevent yourself from being the source of your own stress. Try leaving on time for appointments so you don’t freak out thinking you’ll be late. Remember you’re not a victim! You’re the author of your own life. Be prepared for a hangover if you drink a vat of tequila and Midori melon. (Do it! Just buy some aspirin first.)

Libra, you’re in a self-defeating stop-and-go mode. There’s too much work on your plate for that right now. You have a resentful Virgo colleague trying to get you to slip up and/or take credit for your work, and if you don’t buckle down now, things will get nasty in August. Sorry, you can’t be constantly hammered until you manage your situation, but you can treat yourself now and then by putting a shot of Crown Royal in a vanilla milkshake.

Love and joy are in the stars, Scorpio. Play it right and you could build something lasting with an amorous Taurus. (Of course if you already have a partner you’ll have more drama than love and joy, but you don’t mind that.) Work goes smoothly this week. If anything, you’re staying too far under the radar. Let your boss know about your quirky, creative side—show up at all meetings with rum on your breath.

Sagittarius, that pessimistic cloud has dissipated, leaving you hopeful and energetic. It’s a good time to see family. Who knows, maybe they’ll come to see you in the form of an intervention. They might have mistaken your natural exuberance for drunkenness, especially with all those Skyy vodka empties lying around your yard.

The spiritual world is beckoning, even for the most skeptical Capricorn. Don’t be afraid—everyone breaks with rationality once in a while, and it looks good on you. Your newfound openness gives you more empathy and patience. You find yourself helping others, with no expectation of reciprocity. Is it because you’re perpetually blasted on brandy? Who knows—just enjoy it, because everyone likes you better this way.

Aquarius, you ignore your intuition this week in favor of rationality. (OMG, why are you reading your horoscope?) This leads to some very cold decisions that would have been better referred to your gut instinct. For instance, that Pisces you’ve been stalking… If you listened to your inner voice you’d know that he/she thinks you’re an idiot. Your inner voice told you to buy a bunch of lottery tickets too, and did you? That’s why nobody’s at your house with a giant cheque. Relax that left brain by putting whisky in your coffee the second you wake up.

Pisces, you find yourself missing an old friend who’s been out of the picture because of a disagreement. Yes, this person could call you, but don’t count on it. Stow your pride and take the initiative. Renewing the friendship will lead to some surprising revelations and maybe a good party. If you’re afraid of rejection, sweeten the invitation to get together with this awesome drink:

  • 6 oz vodka
  • 12 oz pineapple juice
  • Juice of 4 limes
  • Honey
  • 2 oz creme de menthe

Shake the first four ingredients up, pour over ice and add the creme de menthe. Pack that away and what is there to disagree about?

Hay Fever…a gender problem?

My Fellow Inebriates,

When new booze fails to enter the house for an unreasonable length of time, I start looking up at the medicine cabinet and wondering if there’s anything interesting there. Of course it’s just full of the usual crap—kids’ cold/cough medicine, vitamins, whimsically purchased supplements. You can’t even see the back of the cupboard for all the mess in there. And what’s with my parents? No goodies in there…no Ambien or Atavan—nothing to make my day more bright.

Stupid Nasonex bee

The newest arrival is Nasonex, prescribed for the hay fever that has attacked every year since we moved to Langley, an outlying suburb of Vancouver that used to be mostly farmland and acreages but has in the last decade gone nuts with development. Land has been razed for townhouse complexes and surrounding infrastructure (typically lagging—for instance, there are no sidewalks in places, and we could use a school or two to teach the little ones growing up in this Bible Belt that the universe is more than 6,000 years old).

You’d think putting urban-style housing where plants used to be would decrease allergens, but the exact opposite is true. Compared to traditional forests and fields, developers’ tidily planted rows of trees assail people with pollen, producing violent allergies and even inducing asthma.

What the hell? I thought nature, with its forests and valleys, was the biggest pollen-producing culprit. But wouldn’t you know it—our insane pollen count is a product of urban development.

And it all comes down to economics—the economics of tree planting and maintenance. If you’re the sort of building developer who has no qualms about shorting your townhouse complexes on insulation while fitting them with toilets too finicky to digest the family’s solid offerings, then obviously you’ll plant the gardens and surrounding green space with the cheapest greenery possible. And that’s where dioecious trees come in.

Unlike the animal kingdom, which is mostly divided into male and female genders, the plant kingdom is by majority monoecious (bearing male and female flowers on the same plant). However, some plants (including trees such as ash, cedar, cottonwood, and juniper) are dioecious, which means there are separate male and female trees. So you have one population that produces pollen (male) and another that produces fruit and seeds (female). The upshot is that female dioecious plants produce no pollen and are benign to allergy sufferers. The male plants, on the other hand, are pollen machines, shooting their load continually March through June depending where you live.

So, in an allergy sufferer’s ideal world, the surrounding plants would be female dioecious ones. No pollen, no allergies. But in a developer’s ideal world, the best plants are the cheapest ones to maintain—the male plants, which don’t litter seeds and fruit.

This is the mentality of builders across North America. Allergies in cities are rampant as new-development dwellers cope with pollen counts surpassing anything they’d encounter on a nature hike. Essentially, if you live in a new city development with tidy rows of nice new trees, and you’re wondering why you’re being incapacitated by allergies, it’s because you’re being assaulted by an overabundance of male pollen. You’re being inundated by arboreal jizz.

So that’s why our bulging meds cupboard has Nasonex in it now. This alarms me, because it may be the reason my parents haven’t been buying alcohol lately. Could they be avoiding interactions? OMG!

I checked the Nasonex website and couldn’t find anything about alcohol. Perhaps the appropriate studies haven’t been done, as consumers are simply advised to discuss interactions with healthcare professionals. And since my parents wouldn’t bother doing that, alcohol’s go-for-takeoff.

So why isn’t there any in the house?